On the surface, the very word ‘selfishness’ looks
very negative – and it appear to be out of step with Spring.
But those who care to scratch the surface of
my life … know that I need the freedom selfishness allows, in order to
survive – and keep in step with Spring.
Literally.
Undertaking the restructuring and remodeling a
new life … 27 months/6 days/10 hours & 21 minutes after being
bumped from Wife to Widow – and a little over 1 year of covid isolation/blm-antifa
riotous destruction/demonrat Anti-American madness … my new life demands
selfishness to boost me along the solo lobo journey I currently find myself
on.
I cannot allow the hysterical fear of other
people to cripple my life.
I cannot allow strangers to “manage” my life
according to their ideas of what is “best” for my life.
At no other time in one’s life must a person
think ONLY of themselves; at the cost of losing and/or upsetting many
people.
Just as one prunes and tidies their outdoor
surroundings with the arrival of Spring – so must one prune and tidy the environment
in which their life thrives, grows, and matures.
So yes, I’ve been selfish, these 826
life-altering days.
And yes, my life-saving selfishness has upset
people – and I even lost family members, and a friend over it. Many widows lose
more than one friend.
Clueless people, who have not yet experienced
significant loss (and herd-minded people, with robotic tendencies) do
not … cannot … or will not … understand the very thin rope that widowing people
are trying to grasp/hold onto.
And
so, they leave your life.
Which, in most instances, turns out to be a
very good thing.
There’s nothing like a life altering situation
to open your eyes to who your friends really are.
Friends
who know what love means.
And
what “hanging in there” means.
No.
Matter.
What.
When I permit myself to look back over the initial
24 months of widowhood (which I don’t do often anymore), I am amazed
that I am still here: healthy in body, soul, and spirit.
Totally amazed.
And very thankful to steadfast family members;
and good, newly acquired friends, who loved/encouraged me through every
moment of it – who didn’t expect me to “be there” for them, knowing that I
couldn’t even “be there” for myself the first 12 months of my new life status:
and many of them totally disagree with me on the covid issue.
Yet,
they have not ditched me.
I
have been blessed abundantly.
The people in my life
know, that for the time being, my dance with selfishness is working a healing
in my fractured life.
That shows the caliber of friends that I do have.
I owe so very much to them: they will never
know the depth of my gratitude.
Yet all I can do in the moment – and all they
care that I do, is to love them for the gentle/caring souls they are.
And I do.
So.
Very.
Much.
