SELFISHNESS = HEALING

On the surface, the very word ‘selfishness’ looks very negative – and it appear to be out of step with Spring.

But those who care to scratch the surface of my life … know that I need the freedom selfishness allows, in order to survive – and keep in step with Spring.

Literally.

Undertaking the restructuring and remodeling a new life … 27 months/6 days/10 hours & 21 minutes after being bumped from Wife to Widow – and a little over 1 year of covid isolation/blm-antifa riotous destruction/demonrat Anti-American madness … my new life demands selfishness to boost me along the solo lobo journey I currently find myself on.

I cannot allow the hysterical fear of other people to cripple my life.

I cannot allow strangers to “manage” my life according to their ideas of what is “best” for my life.

At no other time in one’s life must a person think ONLY of themselves; at the cost of losing and/or upsetting many people.

Just as one prunes and tidies their outdoor surroundings with the arrival of Spring – so must one prune and tidy the environment in which their life thrives, grows, and matures.

So yes, I’ve been selfish, these 826 life-altering days.

And yes, my life-saving selfishness has upset people – and I even lost family members, and a friend over it. Many widows lose more than one friend.

Clueless people, who have not yet experienced significant loss (and herd-minded people, with robotic tendencies) do not … cannot … or will not … understand the very thin rope that widowing people are trying to grasp/hold onto. 

And so, they leave your life.

Which, in most instances, turns out to be a very good thing.

There’s nothing like a life altering situation to open your eyes to who your friends really are. 

Friends who know what love means.

And what “hanging in there” means.

No.

Matter.

What.

When I permit myself to look back over the initial 24 months of widowhood (which I don’t do often anymore), I am amazed that I am still here: healthy in body, soul, and spirit.

Totally amazed.

And very thankful to steadfast family members; and good, newly acquired friends, who loved/encouraged me through every moment of it – who didn’t expect me to “be there” for them, knowing that I couldn’t even “be there” for myself the first 12 months of my new life status: and many of them totally disagree with me on the covid issue.

Yet, they have not ditched me.

I have been blessed abundantly.

The people in my life know, that for the time being, my dance with selfishness is working a healing in my fractured life.

That shows the caliber of friends that I do have.

I owe so very much to them: they will never know the depth of my gratitude.

Yet all I can do in the moment – and all they care that I do, is to love them for the gentle/caring souls they are.

And I do.

So.

Very.

Much.