HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR ME

Sunday the Grief Support Group coordinator and his wife stopped in after church let out; they wanted to introduce themselves, find out where I lived so they could pick me up for Thursday’s Meet, and no doubt check me out to see if I am a ‘loose bullet’ concerning the grieving process. They were very friendly and informative people, they found our house with no problem, and apparently I passed the inspection ;-) My grief is not handicapping me; and my only real issue with my husband’s passing from this life to the next is learning to deal effectively with Candy and Ron – in other words, learning to get past the sudden and heated anger that rises up in me every time I have to personally deal with Candy in the Park Office; or every time I catch a glimpse of next-door-neighbor Ron. That my husband is dead, and I am now alone and doing what I can to make this alone journey as easy and as content as possible ... with the tedious burden of wading through uncertain financial situations, and having to daily juggle and face serious economic crisis because of petty ridiculous stupidity brought on by paranoia and egomania, rankles. And I need to get past that. Hopefully these grief support meets will help me with that.

The one thought that popped into my head and stayed since my husband passed December 14^th, 2018, is that Elohim’s grace is sufficient for me.

By His strength I am upheld, supported, prospered, and sanctified. When I am at my weakest point, He lifts me up and places me in the safety of The Rock (Isaiah 28:16 & Romans 9:33), where life’s tempests swirl and howl around me; but cannot touch me. When sudden, unexpected emotions overwhelm me and my knees buckle with the onslaught, He comes alongside me and lends His shoulder for me to lean against as we walk together through the turmoil (Isaiah 41:10-11). And I hear Him whisper gently as He hugs me tight against His supportive shoulder, “It’s okay Val: I have everything under control. You just lean on Me; everything will work out. You’ll see. In these days of uncertainty and economic crisis, don’t worry about tomorrow; I will meet all your needs according to My riches in glory: I am well able to do immeasurably more than you can ask or even imagine.” (Matthew 6:25-34, John 14:27, Hebrews 13:5) What a blessing! What promises! What wonderful expectations to look forward to. I am a child of the Most High God, a joint-heir justified in Yeshua, and can rightly expect the fulfillment of these promises (Hebrews 2:1, Hebrews 12:14, 1 Corinthians 6:11, & Ephesians 1:13).

When I stay in Him, He stays in me (1 Chronicles 16:11, 1 John 1:9, 1 John 3:9 & 1 Thessalonians 5:23).

When I find myself harassed by life’s stressors and seek His strength, and seek His presence continually; I find Him immediately beside me, comforting me and rejoicing over me with gladness as he quiets my soul, exulting over me with joyous singing (Zephaniah 3:17). I have heard that singing … and it is beautiful and comforting.

Since my husband stepped off this planet, I have never been alone though we are now 1 instead of 2. Yeshua was and is a constant 24 hr/every day close companion. My BIL and SIL’s were a great comfort in the first days of my alone journey. Cheryl and Mike have continually been present during this time – if they are not visiting, they are calling: daily. They have helped me in ways I cannot put words to, while dealing with the recent deaths of their own parents. That is real love in action, and I hope I will always be worthy of it. My husband’s son came up from Salem every week for a solid month to help me with a couple things around the house I needed help with … and will come again around tax time to help me get that squared away: it is a 2 hour drive one way; a sacrifice I am appreciate of it. Alex does not have to do this – he is not bound to me by blood, and during the 44 years I have been married to his father we have not even really been friends because he has resented me much of the time. But now, I think he realizes that I am really the only family he has. And he is trying to make amends and do what his father would like him to do. I am thankful. Keenager’s – a weekly Senior meet and greet my husband and I enjoyed, and I attend alone now, is a familiar comfort to me. I have worked out an agreeable check-up schedule and routine with our niece, Tiffany, by which a specific phone call at a certain time during the week will be made: if I send a message that I am okay before that day is over, fine; if that call is not made, she will call me; if I do not answer, she will come over immediately to see what is happening. She has nursing experience with the elderly (I can't believe I am using that word to describe me!) and will be a help if I need help. She picked up the house key Saturday afternoon. Most every day I walk around the perimeter of the Park - a mile distance from our driveway and back again: that is what my husband and I walked nearly every day at various places around town, or throughout the county on scenic day-trips when he was still with me. And I am hoping the upcoming Grief Support Group starting on this upcoming Thursday will help me during this period of adjustment I now face.

Monday Elohim sent close friends to me, Cheryl and Pam – 2 women I love, and appreciate more than words can tell. I have known these women most of my life and they are gracious and thoughtful women who are godly examples of compassionate love while going through their own worrisome struggles: when the daughters of Elohim gather together to support and encourage one another, He is there. His presence is strong. And we are thankful for all that he does for us – things we are aware of, and things that are yet unknown. It is good to praise the Lord together.

In my human weakness, His grace is sufficient for me.

GOODBYE 2018 - WELCOME 2019

While the tail end of 2018 ended with sorrowful rejoicing, there were many happy and memorable moments before that awful day of August 29th that forever changed the fabric of our household.

Mid-January 2018 found us enjoying a very scenic, and very long roadtrip through the Gorge. There is place there on the backside of the reservation that is very wild and filled with ancient prehistoric landscape of towering volcanic spires and basalt rock outcroppings; my husband knew I loved this wild looking place: we shared it with our little grandson, that drive. The tail end of January found us on the road again – this time to Carnation, WA, which is famous for the Dairy that makes the Carnation Milk products. It was a fun spur-o-the-moment exploration & our grandson liked the cows.

In February we three walked the local dike and watched the otters frisk and the ducks splash; we even saw a fuzzy-wuzzy. Rosy Finches visited our bird feeder and we finally got snow on the 18th, but Hubs took us up the Toutle towards Mt. St. Helens anyway, because the snow was much deeper and he knows I love snow. I helped our little grandson build a tiny snowman.

March ushered in Spring with a Robin sighting, and I got 2 of my longed for rain barrels: had I known then that THAT was what would send Candy over the edge and lead to my husband’s eventual death, I would never have gotten them; but hindsight is not foresight. So now I have the barrels, but I do not have the love of my life. We also enjoyed 3 mini vaca's to Richfield’s Wildlife Refuge, where we three enjoyed the wildlife and oohed and awed over the snow white swans; the NW Flight Museum in Olympia; and we also visited the Veteran’s Museum in Centralia - where Bob and our little grandson enjoyed sitting in the various aircrafts and playing with the cab doodads. All very interesting.

In April we did several more dike hikes to watch the ducks and our little grandson threw ends of my homemade bread to them so they came real close to the riverbank and gobbled the bread before it sank; my husband scouted for turtles and pointed them out to us. The end of April found us at the Seaside Aquarium in Seaside, Oregon watching the clowning seals, and laughing as our little grandson barked happily with them - then we three enjoyed a sunny walk on the boardwalk.

The month of May was busy with many dike hikes to observe the baby ducks; and at home, grandson and I eagerly watched the bird house Hubs built and placed outside the livingroom window – there was a swallow family being set up there and we waited with baited breath for the first sign of baby birds: however, it was not to be; for reasons of their own, the couple abandoned the nest in the birdhouse and the lone egg I found later never hatched. We took a day off from household chores and drove with our little grandson, to the Portland-OR Zoo. Then a week later I started a garden in the few planter boxes my husband had built for me in the Fall of 2017, and I made a little tiny scarecrow out of a pair of little Batman PJ’s that had glow-in-the-dark-outlined bats on them and hung them from a shepherd’s hook screwed securely in one of the planters boxes: we wanted to see if they would glow in the night. THAT upset the neighbor, Ron. So now there are TWO things happening that will eventually lead to the August 29th showdown on the front porch that will subsequently lead to a trip to the local ER which will end at OHSU in Oregon. Small and petty grievances that will cost a life and leave a huge hole in our family tapestry. But … we didn’t know that; we were enjoying our life. We didn’t know that these would be the last experiences and adventures. We thought we would have many, many, more years together while making these memories.

Still ignorant of the festering eruption building on the Homefront, June found the three of us on an over-night roadtrip around the Olympic Peninsula where we enjoyed an entertaining and adventurous roadside tour of the exotic animals in the Olympic Game Farm in Sequim, WA: our little grandson got a bang out of seeing, hearing, and interacting with the various wild animals – especially the buffalo that came to our windows begging for treats. And we drove to Neah Bay to view the beautiful Native American artifacts in the archaeological and anthropological Makah Museum where our little grandson was awed by the lengthy skeletal remains of a whale hanging above our heads; and on our way home, we also made time to check out the wild and beautifully scenic La Push too, which is part of the Quinault Indian Reservation: Hubs had wanted to go there for a long time, but something always cut into the time and it got put off … I am glad now that we made the time and did it. It was worth it and I am glad he experienced that while he could still experience life. Later in the month, we also drove to Lake Tipso, which lies between the Mt. Rainer National Park and the Wenatchee National Park … but we couldn’t walk around the lake because the late season snowpack was too deep; so we just enjoyed the snow and came back home thinking we would go back later – like in August, or September. That never got to happen.

July we traveled to Trout Lake via the Cougar access to view the Osprey  nests, view Trout Lake with Mt. Adams in the background, and visit the Cedar Creek Grist Mill on the Lewis River in Woodland on the way back home. The Osprey nests were no longer on the ends of the bridge where they have always been, Trout Lake is disappearing; but we did have an awesome view of Mt. Adams, and we did see several colorful moths and butterflies, so the day was not a total bust.

In July my husband built me the rest of the planter boxes I need for a full garden harvest, and I designed/planted a wrought iron sedum planter stake, and Hubs set it in place. He installed 2 more rain barrels for me, which gave me a total of 4, to see me through the gardening season with rain water gathered; it rains a lot in Washington, so these will rarely be dry – now every time I look at those planter boxes, the rain barrels, and that sedum stake now, I will remember my husband doing these things for me because he loved me. And I will refuse to allow the neighbor’s pettiness and the Park manager’s ignorance to rob me of that happiness. Had I known that my husband’s thoughtfulness would rob him of his life, I would gladly have sacrificed the want to garden. We still made time to do short hikes along the dike where a large Blue Heron was in residence.

It was at the end of August that our world began to crumble: Ron ran complaining to Candy with nonsense; and little hitler showed up … and as it goes with all pissing wars, the rest is history. My husband ended up in ER; and in and out of hospitals for the next 4 months. And he never came home, alive, again. September through December 2018 was a nightmare as I came to grips with the reality that my husband was not going to be coming home.

September through October, I spent every day with him at St. Johns hospital coming home only to fitfully sleep before going back in groggy early mornings.

November through December after he had been moved to OHSU in Oregon, I packed a duffle and literally camped out by his bedside not wanting him to be alone … and needing to be with him for as long as I could be. It was emotional. It was healing. It was scary. It was liberating. We were both going home … but to separate homes, where we would live separate lives until Yeshua brings us together again. Will we know each other when we meet again? Yes; we believe so – Yeshua was easily recognizable when he rose in his eternal body, so it stands to reason that we, too, will recognize each other when we get our eternal bodies. But our lives will be different because the realm in which he now lives – and in which I will eventually live in too – is different than what we experienced here on earth.

And so, looking back on the past year, I am reminded of the MANY LOVING things said and done, and I am thankful that Elohim favored me with 44 years of a good marriage to a good man who was a joy and gave me joy. 2018 was 97% GOOD and that is what I will take away with me when it fizzles out at midnight tonight.

And I will embrace ALL that 2019 will bring me. Because that is what my husband would want me to do. By the grace of Elohei I will.