Wedding Song - God Knew That I Needed You

Wednesday, November 3, 2021

COWBOY UP

The holidays are upon us.

Again.

Hard times for those who are alone – with no immediate human contact.

10 months out of the year I do fine: I have good friends. I can get outside the bulk of every day, most every day. I have activities that keep my body, soul, and mind occupied the majority of awake hours.

I’m happy.

I’m healthy.

I’m reasonably {adjusted} to my new station I life.

But 2 months out of the year I am scrabbling to hang on.

I’m told this is normal.

I want something different – Bob would want something different for me.

I know Elohei has Plans for me that won’t include this deep sorrowing; I am patiently waiting.

But, some days … waiting is hard.

I woke up punk this morning; and when I did fully wake up (without rolling over again and trying to shut the day away), I didn’t want to get up.

There’s no rush, anymore, to get up.

When that thought tries to dominate my thoughts … I jump out of bed quick; and find a reason to get out of bed.

The reason I settled on this morning was, Christmas greenery 😉

I want to do something different with the front porch this holiday season; and I thought a trip to Centralia might help me with that – I knew just the place I wanted to go looking, for what I had in mind 😊

Control the Day; or the Day will control you.

Rearranging the Day’s Plans.

I figured it would take me a little under 2 hours one-way, safely driving the backroads in the driving rain. I changed the furnace filter, put the garbage/recycle cans at the curb; grabbed my travel coffee mug, book, coat ... and boogied.

An urgent escape from the house …
Driving along with cowboy music playing.
I’m trying not to get lost in emotions this year.
A logging tower seen from Old Pacific Highway N; Bob was a logger most of his life. The first 18 years we were married, he ran the tower machinery.

Falling leaves were fluttering on the wet breeze, and woodsmoke was in the air.

The drive was enjoyable – the temperature, even with the chilly rainfall, was okay. The music playing was uplifting, and soothing. The scenery was enjoyable; even though the mountains were being shy, and hiding themselves in the shrouding clouds.

I was hoping, with each mile the tires ate up, I'd shake the blues. Old Pacific Highway.
The half way mark; coming up on Paradise Cove RV Park.
Construction is everywhere – no doubt housing for biden's southern illegals, & taliban pals; just before the freeway overpass.
Coming into Toledo, from the Barnes Drive freeway overpass.
I had good intentions of stopping here on the way home for a hamburger & fries; those were waylaid further up the road.
S Lewis County Airport; Jackson Highway.

Toledo Airport Officially Listed as Possible Site for Major Commercial Airport in Washington State: https://www.chronline.com/stories/toledo-airport-officially-listed-as-possible-site-for-major-commercial-airport-in-washington,260200#:~:text=Toledo%20Airport%20Officially%20Listed%20as

Get this on the Calendar! Yummy breakfast here 😊
Utility work; Jackson Highway.
A concern - this area floods; the freeway floods too, around Chehalis & Centralia this time of year. This will be my last trip 'til Spring 2022.
Jackson Highway from Toledo to Mary's Corner; 14 mins.

I don’t know what it was that triggered the tears, but something rubbed my fur the wrong way … and all those emotions I was hoping to distance myself from, started putting their hooks into me

The missingness comes and goes.

There have been significant periods this year where the missingness has not been acute (I’m aware of the absence, but it doesn’t tear at my heart anymore): but, then there are days like today – where it really sucks me in: it hits my heart with a vengeance, and hooks my thoughts. I just have to ride the tears out. They eventually stop.

Most of the time, the tears happen suddenly – no warning: no apparent reason for them (no thoughts had been whipped up). But when they start flowing … the reasons make themselves known.

My heart misses Bob’s heart.

Always at this time of year.

Without warning, I was hit with a dose of creeping melancholia.
I don't know who I am anymore. All I know is I'll never again be who I was ... and that hurts on all levels.
The missingness is hard to shake.
I lost my entire life in a heartbeat in 2018 - on every level: everything I had known for 44 years.
Work Me Lord.
Plans for 2022: Main Street gawking in Centralia.

Centralia is a city: but it’s half the size of Longview. Literally. It might be fun to spend an entire afternoon kicking around Main Street, sometime in 2022 😉

I made my destination without any snafu’s; and found what I could use.

After I stashed my purchases in the Highlander, my stomach was urging me to feed it – so I nipped over to the Country Cousin.

Country Cousin Restaurant; 1054 Harrison Ave, Centralia, WA.
The interior hums with a farm vibe - with whimsical kitschy touches.
I read while I ate.
The birdhouses were in my line of vision; I bought the white one.
Alternate route back home ...
Old Highway #603; from Chehalis.
Another goal for 2022: Somerville Road, Chehalis.
Somerville Road; Chehalis-WA
More construction; Old Highway 603. It seems like green grass is being planted with housing projects at alarming speed to satify the glut of the obamanites.

Highway 603 to Napavine is where things took an interesting turn 😉

I thought I’d bypass Vader by going over Military Road from Winlock: GPS led me off the beaten track to N Military Road … which does eventually tie into S Military Road (which I wanted); but GPS took me faaaar afield – totally missing the Military Road I was aiming for.

It was raining so hard, I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss the familiar turnoff spur, so I used GPS: what a mistake.

Highway #505 dropped into Jackson Prairie, near Mary’s Corner … then onto Jackson Highway: backwards from where I was wanting to go. It was a schizoid GPS drive!

If a squirrel has rushed into the roadway, and GPS followed it, I wouldn’t have been surprised.

Uhhh ... WRONG Military Road!
N Military Road - the skinny white line DOWN from the red line is what I needed. Stupid GPS!
I'm sure Bob was aware of this 2nd Military Road - but it is new to me.
#505 Highway.
A new experience ...
N Military Road leads BACKWARDS from Winlock.
Jackson Prairie from Winlock; via N Military Road & US-12 E - 14 mins.

Jackson House – Bob’s family is related to Matilda Jackson (not sure if she is blood-related, or widowed from a blood relative; but she is definitely in Bob’s Family History notations (https://parks.state.wa.us/1060/Jackson-House)

Elohim has a sense of humor; He knows how to get me laughing.
Not where I intended to be; but ... when Elohim starts cutting the cards, I go with the flow 😉

When I eventually made Castle Rock, I drove home over Delameter: daylight was fading, so I called it a day, and will top the gas tank off tomorrow.

I was still laughing about GPS snafu when I walked through the door at home, and hauled my stuff inside from the car.

It was a crazy round-about-drive home … but it dispelled the gloomies: and I am thankful.

Cleaning this birdhouse will be interesting ...

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