Wedding Song - God Knew That I Needed You

Tuesday, March 10, 2020

THE GIFT OF LOVE


Bob was my greatest gift of love.


And he gave and gave and gave me love throughout our 44 years together.

46 years ago, this month, a mutual acquaintance rushed Bob across Cathlamet’s Main Street to introduce us to each other telling us we should get to know each other.

And, I was not interested.

I was already seeing someone; Doug – my on-again/off-again boyfriend and I had an understanding, and we were actively dating at that particular time. So, when David rushed Bob across the street to meet me, I wasn’t interested. And I was pretty pissed with David, thinking this thing with that tall stranger was just another ploy to drive a wedge between Doug and me. I wasn’t having any of it. I shot David a glare and dropped my eyes to stare at the stranger’s shoes.

Brown hush puppies.

I was so aggravated with the situation that I didn’t even catch the tall good-looking stranger’s name. I wasn’t interested.

But, that memory always makes me smile this time of year.

After that introduction – and before I lowered my eyes; A LOT WAS SEEN.

And stored in my gray matter’s memory bank ;-)

Before my eyes stayed glued to the brown hush puppies, they had seen and recorded to my brain: “tall, good-looking fella, with brown hair that skimmed the upturned collar of the blue plaid jacket warming the broad shoulders, held at an angle (which I would learn later, meant Bob was shy and uncertain in the moment). Hands in the pockets of said jacket while he stood there in front of me, looking me over as we were introduced. Long legs clad in blue jeans. Brown hush puppy shoes.

A few weeks later, Bob and I would be thrown together again: this time, by Doug, who was working with/renting a room at Bob’s house. Doug was throwing a kegger, and insisted I be there. I wasn’t drinking, so I set myself up as door monitor because everyone there was underage and we didn’t want trouble with over-21-party crashers … or the cops. I carded Bob as soon as he walked through the door in that same blue plaid jacket, wearing blue jeans, brown hush puppies, and a killer sexy smile – this time I paid attention to the face I didn’t pay attention to on Main Street: and I got his Name too … it was right there, on his Driver’s License. And the face on the Driver’s License was ‘The Face’ I fell in love with 7 years earlier!

Bob was paying attention to me too, by the time I handed his DL back to him we were inseparable from that moment on :-D

4 months later we were married.

Wedding picture. August 27th, 1974.

Bob was my greatest gift of love.

14 months … and I still can’t get used to Bob being physically gone from my life.


I am stronger today than I was today, last year. But the struggle is still real; every day.


Today, last year, I was 2 months and 24 days into widowhood. I didn’t recognize myself – I was always a strong woman, capable of plowing through any situation without breaking a sweat, to do what needed to be done.

But today, last year, I was shaking like a leaf in a strong breeze. SO MUCH had happened in those 2 months and 24 days after I’d been bumped from Wife to Widow: funeral arrangements, having outstanding contracts switched from Bob’s Name to my Name, dealing with the Hospital Finance Liaison, and dealing with the local Social Security Office tarter who made me feel like a thief – the illegals that walked in and out of that office were not treated as badly as I was. I was also desperately ill with influenza … but bill collectors and the Social Security Administrators don’t extend grace periods – they expect their pound of flesh, with no mercy. But Elohim was faithful.

This time, last year, it was a real struggle to get past the front door – I would freeze every time my hand reached out to the door knob; driving had become tricky business since my initiation into widowhood. Just getting into town to grocery shop was a major accomplishment back then. During those days, I felt like I was losing my mind – standing at the door and willing myself to open it and get into car, knowing Bob would not be with me along for the ride. He would not be smiling that sexy smile anymore. He would not be singing with the music. He would not be reaching for my hand, or holding it over the console. He would not be walking beside me. The emotions were overwhelming.

And, if by chance, I actually made it all the way into town without freezing up … I’d cry all the way back home. It wasn’t something planned: it just happened. Out of the blue. Bob’s sister, Merry, told me it was understandable because Bob and I had been married for 44 years and we did everything together; but it was kinda frightening when the emotional tidal wave rolled over me.

I couldn’t explain what I was dealing with, with our children. They couldn’t understand. They thought I was being ‘difficult’. It had, after all, been 2 months and 24 days – I should have ‘snapped out of it’.

I didn’t know then … and I don’t know now … how people can go back to work; and when they do, how they don’t get fired. I was numb: my brain felt cobwebby.

I honestly, do not know how anything I absolutely had to do, got done.

9 days out of 10, I didn’t recognize myself. And if I couldn’t explain what I was experiencing to myself – I for sure, could not explain the situation and circumstances to anyone else.

Elohim was faithful, and gifted me with love; HE understands. No explaining needs to be done.

Over the course of the past 14 months, my life has drastically changed. People I hoped would stand by me … if not for my sake alone, at least to honor their brother, nephew, Father, and Grandfather … abandoned me; some friends dropped off the radar – our lives are vastly different now: new friends have replaced them. My story is not something novel: I hear the same story from other widows and widowers; but I feel it acutely because it is MY story … happening to ME.

I have learned to live on 1 meager income – and frugally enjoy pretty much everything Bob and I enjoyed together; my daytrips have been whittled down from weekly to monthly, but at least they are still happening ;-) I have learned to do things that Bob always did for 44 years. I am doing things that I have never done before – with or without Bob. Very little of Bob’s stuff remains in the house or the shed now; if people didn’t know Bob and I as a couple, they wouldn’t know the transformation that has taken place in the house or shed, but I know. I’ve become more outgoing; I refuse to become a recluse – I’ve always shied away from social gatherings, but now that Bob is no longer here, I get out of the house several times a week just to interact with other people.

Elohim is faithfully bestowing upon me, the gift of love.

Today, I’ve been checking my Bucket List notations, and searching the internet to gather locale addresses for places I want to check out. I want to revisit some places Bob and I daytripped to … and, I want to add some new destinations and events as a solo lobo. I want the comfort of familiarity, and the excitement of new experiences.

I’ve always been a trailblazer; Bob “got” that about me ;-)


Today, I also looked through the picture folders on Bob’s computer for this date; and found these pics from our 2015 daytrip to the Ridgefield National Wildlife Refuge. We have been to the Refuge several times, and even in 2018 before Bob graduated to a higher and better way of living – but these pictures are from March 10th, 2015, because that is the folder I was browsing today. I don’t know if I’ll revisit this place, or not, but today I am sharing some pictures here on my Blog …

Watched ducks swimming in Gee Creek, at Abrams Park. We also saw some fresh water eels too – YUK! Like water snakes; creeped me out.
At the Ridgefield National Wildlife Refuge, we decided to walk a trail we hadn’t ever done before. Daffodils along the trail.
We had planned to come back and cross this footbridge … maybe I’ll do that myself.
Cathlapotle Plankhouse Lodge.
We thought this was cool ;-) Bob walking down the slight incline to read the sign: the lodge was closed for the Winter; maybe it will be open if I decide to go back as solo lobo.
Pretty little wildflowers along the path – and a snake too: I squealed and practically jumped into Bob's arms; & Bob laughed. I hate snakes.
Following one of the trails, we came upon a lake deep in the forest.
A bit around the lake, we came upon a ‘No Trespass’ sign – so we backtracked.
Leaving the hiking trails, we drove the Auto Tour Route around the Refuge wetlands.
Great Blue Heron.
A beaver dam.
Great White Egret
A muskrat – I was glad to leave that behind! A rat is a rat and I don’t want anything to do with them. Eeew
Canadian Geese.
Flocks of geese resting.
White Swans.

The Refuge is only half an hour from home, but it was a Daytrip trip because Bob always stretched out our roadtrips by hitting every backroad between here and there; he knew I loved being on the backroads.

Bob was a good man, and a loving husband to me.

If I do decide to revisit these places, I can go confidently knowing Adonai Yeshua Ha’Mashiach goes before me, preparing the way before I even set out … and Bob’s eyes will be on me from above.

I’ll be traveling in Bob’s last gift of love to me – the 2017 Horizon.

And though the passenger seat is now empty, I am never alone :-D

No comments:

Post a Comment