AMBITIONS

It’s cold today – not in a bitterly cold … yet … but, it is cold. It will in the mid-30’s by nightfall, and 27 degrees by sunrise tomorrow: there will be frost glazing my world when I greet it in the morning.

However, for the moment, in this moment, I am looking past tomorrow morning and towards Spring activities.

I’ll still be gardening.

I’ll be gardening until I can’t do it anymore: but, I also want to expand my horizons when it comes to daytrips and roadtrips.

And pray to God that this option will still be available to me after January 2021 dawns. The obama-biden-pelosi-harris cartel isn't very promising for a hopeful future.

Bob and I used to get out and about every month – sometimes several times a month, depending on available $$$ and speculated destinations.

Most of those daytrips, and roadtrips, were deep into the backcountry.

I love being in the backcountry … and Bob knew all the backcountry in the WA & OR states.

I still love the backcountry.

Getting into the backcountry is tricky now.

I do not know the routes Bob used to drive (he knew 150 routes to reach 1 place: very confusing to me); and Bob knew how to read the landscape. He never got turned around, or lost. Bob was my personal human computer and GPS.

Now Bob is gone, and I am leery of heading into the wilderness solo lobo.

I do have GPS tracking in the car and on the phone – but they are unreliable when it comes to accurately getting someplace I have programmed into their data banks.

And the backcountry wilderness areas are exactly that: uncivilized. There is no one to help you in a pinch. Traffic is spotty, and the nearest town is literally hours away.

So.

That avenue of adventuring is no longer an option for a solo lobo widow.

I have to think with practicality now.

I have to plan more specifically.

I have to rethink how I like to adventure.

I’m going to have to stick to the foothill regions of my beloved mountainous areas, and try to like being a lowland girl.

The lowlands are a much safer place to explore when you are companionless.

Yes – there is still the possibility I may get lost … but the lowlands are civilized areas: gas stations (gas and on-the-spot information when required), auto repair available if I need it, hotels if I misjudge the mileage or burn through my gas with endless country reroutes – and need to hole up for the night (and risk looking totally incompetent when handed my key-card: Bob always handled reservations, door key pickup, Wifi code/password access): all necessary stuff for a solo lobo widow trying to rebuild confidence and trying to recapture some semblance of excitement and enjoyment out of a fragmented life.

I have to rethink alternate enjoyment destinations, and psych myself into giving them an honest ‘try’.

I have to consider the “what if’s” – even if I do not live my life solely in the realm of ‘what if’.

Bob believed I was capable of doing anything – those were his last words to me, “Honey, you and I both know … anything you set your mind to do is as good as done”. His encouragement is a welcome echo 😉

I will, over my 5-month-hiatus period from now until March, be gathering destination(s) information (only 2 familiar states for now); and trying to figure out time and mileage from here to there.

I’ll have to gather information about the landscape and possible weatherwise situations that may … or may not … become a concern enroute.

Bob would know this stuff: I am not Bob.

Most people were learning this stuff in their 20’s: in MY 20’s, I was juggling a husband, 2 kids (1 of them with autoimmune issues; both of them ADHD); dealing with an overbearing MIL, a crazy ex-wife, and a bullying BIL. We were not able to start enjoying vacations – or even a mini vaca – until the grandkids came along; and those were camping events which we all enjoyed. Honestly, hotel stints didn’t occur until Bob retired 7 years ago, and camping was becoming difficult for us.

So, there is a lot I have to learn.

And I will be getting a crash course lesson.

I will have to work out an ‘adventuring budget’ (thankfully, financial matters were always my responsibility in our marriage, so I’m good with that), without Bob’s seeing-into-the-future insight (I’m not so good at figuring the ‘what if’s’ – that was always Bob’s thing; extra clothing considering the region, extra $$$ considering road incidents - anything unforeseen). I will need to be on my toes so I am not taken advantage off; in any way/sense/form enroute, or at destination point.

I know how to read maps … but I do get thrown for a loop when detours change the mapped route. County Roadwork always takes place during heavily traveled Spring and Summer months – always. It’s like counties live to make it nearly impossible to enjoy visiting new places and funnel some of your $$$ into those new places.

Detours didn’t bother Bob.

But detours do bother me.

Anyway …

From now until March, I am going to be looking into new adventures, jotting the info down, and working out a budget to make those adventures a reality. Then, I am going to write the place names on slips of paper – place them in a lidded jar – and when March comes around, pluck a slip of paper out and head off in that direction: I will do this as long as there are slips of paper in the jar, the $$$ is available, and the weather permits.

This new ambition is way different than the way Bob and I always started our adventures.

But, e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. is way different that what we used to do, since Bob has been gone.

I have to roll with that difference.

I have to realistically start piecing a new life together.

As more and more of my life with Bob falls away from me, I have to let it go … and set my face and thoughts towards a new life.

A new life I never anticipated, and don’t want.

A new life that I have got to make lasting peace with, embrace, and start living as each day unfolds.

The new ambitions will be different.

The new ambitions can be exciting.

The new ambitions are scary.

New ambitions: totally doable.

That feature of my new life settled, tonight I started reading a new book. It’s one of the books I bought at garage sales this past Summer. It’s a thin book, and it reads quickly.

I’ll probably finish reading it later on in the bedroom (if it lasts that long), and be ready to start a new book tomorrow 😉