Tonight will be the end of this year. Tonight will also be the 2nd time I have welcomed a New Year without Bob walking into the future morrow alongside me.
I miss kissing him Happy New Year ~ I miss not waking up to his beautiful twinkling eyes watching me wake up and his beautiful mouth smiling that sexy smile of his. I miss his long arms reaching out to pull me into his manly chest for a New Year cuddle.
The past 489 days have been surreal to say the least … and also illuminating: when we joined our lives together August 27th, 1974 – and up to the fragmenting culmination of the morning of December 14th, 2018, I couldn’t comprehend living without him; but as 2019 dawned and hurled me into my new solo lobo life, I learned that it is absolutely possible to survive and thrive without love or passion in my life now. Bob gave me all his love for 44 years, and that overflowing love is enough to carry me forward.
Bob’s love still nourishes my life. The confidences his love instilled in me is giving me the courage to build my new life as I step across 2019’s threshold and into 2020.
Last New Year’s Eve, I was gasping for breath. Tears flowed like the Niagara Falls. When the tears abated sometime in March of 2019, anger kicked in –and that helped me become the fighter I needed to be to rise above the drowning waves of grief from then until now. I wasn’t angry at Elohim. I wasn’t angry at Bob. It did take time to get past the anger towards Candy Scott & Ron Cook; I won’t candy-coat that: it was fricking H.A.R.D. to rise above it. I got angry at the injustice of legal bureaucratic bullshit I had to wade through to find solid ground again. I was angry with the way people tried to manipulate my situation to use and abuse me, thinking me too grief-stricken to notice. I resented the hell out of being treated like an aging imbecile when Widow Brain Fog would render my thinking abilities sketchy, paralyzing me with post-traumatic stress syndrome behaviors.
THANK ELOHIM FOR HIS UNWAVERING AND FAITHFUL LOVE AND MERCY!
Thank Yeshua for true friends.
Thank You, Elohim for putting love back in my life.
Thank You, Elohim for putting love back in my life.
As 2019 begins to fizzle out, and 2020 comes closer and closer, the dawning of a New Year doesn’t feel as threatening or as painful as the last dawning. I feel as though I am moving into a deeper understanding of the relationship Bob & I now share: a strangeness that weirdly deepens the bond of our love, though our union has ended. I am surprised at how suddenly I have arrived at this emotional destination. 382 days is not a heck of a long time … yet, it is a lifetime. I believe – Bob believed; and our Faith teaches – that he is still very much alive, and often present, though unattainable. His physical death changed our relationship; but it did not end it. And that is what I solidly feel: and that is why I can forge ahead with a peaceful confidence of rebuilding my life in separateness.
Comprehension dawned with the waning of 2019.
Me is still we though we live different lives, in
different realms. And, on occasions, when Bob is not riding the clouds (I
like to imagine him riding the clouds as he water-skied – skillfully, all-out, beautiful
and god-like (John 10:33 38) ;-)), our worlds do overlap and he
walks beside me as does Yeshua (Hebrews 12:1-2). There are days
when I do feel him near, and see signs he was near – like 2 planets that orbit
the same sun: every so often, our paths cross, and the vastness that separates
us doesn’t seem so empty. I believe that Yeshua walks with me every day –
guiding me, watching me … and I also believe that there are days Bob’s presence
walks with me also: not in the same way … but there, just the same. There is comfort
for me in those times.
As 2019 marched on and I became more confident in the accomplishments I made, carving out a space for myself in the life I was shifted to 382 days ago; I have found acceptance with the way our new relationship is now, in my new life. I will always wish I could reach out to Bob. I will always miss his warm and loving embrace. I will always miss his smiles and his laughter. There will always be some part of our life together that I will miss. But there are also tangible residue of that life we spent together that will never, never leave me.
That is what 2019 taught me.
And that is what will be going with me into 2020 ~ at the midnight hour.
When there was something I needed to know throughout our life together, Bob never stepped on me or chastised me; but he would often ask, “So. Did you learn anything?” In that way, Bob was like Yeshua. And, like Yeshua’s example, Bob’s example is also still teaching me. His physical death taught me as much as his physical life did.
As a widowed person, emotions are constantly shifting because our new life takes sudden and speed-breaking turns on the freeway of life that can be confusing, isolating, and downright terrifying as we are thrown from one stage of our new life into another – trying to find a welcoming destination where we can again find “home”. Bob was my “home”; Bob was my only family. 2019 drove home the point that my new life restart in pretty much ALL areas of my new life means that there is still a LOT to rebuild and built anew: probably way more than I can grasp at the moment.
The first half of 2019 were months of aimlessness – which I was told by seasoned widows and widowers – is pretty normal, and even vital, after such a major trauma as becoming a spousless spouse. The last half of 2019 ended up in my hopping around from one thing to another … or just wandering about … with no sense of direction, but a whole lot of hope that eventually my faulty GPS would catch a signal and start leading me to a real destination.
As I stand on the cusp of a waning 2019, I am seeing life in color again: true friendship and continuance of Bob’s overflowing love in my life, has eased me back into the Land of a Thousand Dances ~ and I am dancing in the rain again instead of sitting in a puddle and crying.
So.
Yes, Babe ~ I have learned a lot since you stepped off this planet.
And I will learn more in 2020; you will be proud of me ;-)
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