WIDOWHOOD IS …

This spoke to me. It’s very accurate.

“Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation.

Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection.

Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years and it no longer feeling like home. Because “home” incorporated a person. And they’re not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you.

Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amount to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path.

Widowhood is second guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself. Your life had molded together with another’s and without them you have to relearn all your likes, hobbies, fears, goals. The renaissance of a new person makes you proud and heartbroken simultaneously.

Widowhood is being a stranger in your own life. The unnerving feeling of watching yourself from outside your body, going through the motions of what was your life, but being detached from all of it. You don’t recognize yourself. Your previous life feels but a vapor long gone, like a mist of a dream you begin to wonder if it happened at all.

Widowhood is the irony of knowing if that one person was here to be your support, you would have the strength to grieve that one person. The thought twists and confuses you. If only they were here to hold you and talk to you, you’d have the tenacity to tackle this unwanted life. To tackle the arduous task of moving on without them.

Widowhood is missing the one person who could truly understand what is in your heart to share. The funny joke, the embarrassing incident, the fear compelling you or the frustration tempting you. To anyone else, you would have to explain, and that is too much effort, so you keep it to yourself. And the loneliness grows inside you.

Widowhood is struggling with identity. Who are you if not their spouse? What do you want to do if not the things you planned together? What brand do you want to buy if not the one you two shared for all those years? What is your purpose if the job of investing into your marriage is taken away? Who is my closest companion when my other half isn’t here?

Widowhood is feeling restless because you lost your home, identity, partner, lover, friend, playmate, travel companion, co-parent, security, and life. And you are drifting with an unknown destination.

Widowhood is living in a constant state of missing the most intimate relationship. No hand to hold. No body next to you. No partner to share your burden.

Widowhood is being alone in a crowd of people. Feeling sad even while you’re happy. Feeling guilty while you live. It is looking back while moving forward. It is being hungry but nothing sounding good. It is every special event turning bittersweet.

Yes. It is much more than simply missing their presence. It is becoming a new person, whether you want to or not. It is fighting every emotion mankind can feel at the very same moment and trying to function in life at the same time.

Widowhood is frailty. Widowhood is strength. Widowhood is darkness. Widowhood is rebirth.

Widowhood …

Is life changing."

I PROMISED …

Tonight, sorrow hit me big time – half an hour ago I started crying, and I can’t stop.

Memories hit fast and furious as my mind replayed the events of tonight, in 2018.

Memories … even hard ones, are priceless treasures.

2 years ago, at this time, after everyone had left Bob’s room and gone back to their homes … I held Bob’s hand and played music through the night on the Notebook. Bob liked Southern Gospel, so that is what I stuck to; with some easy listening country music that spoke of the glories that awaited him on his fast-approaching-journey.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSi7WYp1KPY)

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oFRB7qnSsA)

Bob and I never grieved his passing.

I don’t grieve his passing today.

BUT I DO MISS BOB.

I am glad he is no longer suffering … but I miss seeing his face, touching him, looking into his beautiful eyes, kissing his mouth, cuddling into his embrace; making love.

I know he’s better off.

I just miss everything that summed up his life, here; with me while he was mine.

And tomorrow, I will be much better: I promised that to Bob.

I never lied to Bob. Ever.

Tonight, I am sorrowing – tomorrow morning, after 8:05 AM – I’ll start soldering up and marching forward again.

I promised.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcpjSMmWUDw) 

And I never lied to Bob.

SEEING THE GOOD IN EVERY SITUATION

Sometimes you spot the good in a situation right off the bat.

Sometimes you gotta look real hard to find it.

Sometimes you begin to foster doubts there is any good at all.

And more times than not … you have to psych yourself into believing in the good.

I’ve been doing a lot of psyching the last few weeks.

The psyching has started to pay off 😉

I keep my thoughts positive. No matter what I am dealing with.

Wednesday, I didn’t need a morning Ibuprofen (I am going to credit the ginger-water I’ve been drinking for this happy occurrence). There was some discomfort, but it was not searing pain. I was able to sweep the bedroom floor without any lip-biting-pain in my hip or lower leg shin bone. I have basically been living in the bedroom (lying flat on my back in bed most of the day; getting up periodically to walk around the house to stay flexible) since this thing with my leg began a month ago; the floor needed sweeping.

After the sweeping, I decided that since I was not feeling gripping pain, I should walk to the kitchen and try to make up a batch of homemade Cocoa Mix. Hersey’s cocoa powder is very beneficial heath-wise: it’s very good for asthmatics, and it reduces inflammation. Cocoa also aids with better blood flow to the brain to keep it functioning healthily – while lowering blood pressure; and it levels out cholesterol and blood sugar levels. Cocoa can also keep the heart healthy, and reduce risk of strokes.

Chocolate has been proven to beat back the gloomies brought on by dark and dreary days – very important here in the PNW when gray clouds hang over our heads during the monsoon season.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/07/homemade-cocoa-mix.html)

I thought maybe I’d have to mix the homemade cocoa mix up in staggered moments – but I was able to get it done all in one fell swoop 😉

Because whatever pain I did experience was tolerable, I also skipped the afternoon Ibuprofen dosage. I did, however, take 3 Ibuprofen tablets at bedtime with my cup of cocoa.

Thursday, I woke up pretty good pain-wise. So, I walked 1,000 paces around the house; watered my houseplants, laid around on the bed lost in a Novel, between periodic walkabouts throughout the house … and considered walking to the mailbox Friday afternoon.

Thursday was a tolerable day – I didn’t use any Ibuprofen at all.  I drank ginger-water and massaged my hip-thigh-calf-shin when they ached … and I had a pretty easy day 😊

I am thankful for the prayers I know people are praying for me.

Friday, I took a pretty pain-free shower; drank a cup of lemon-green tea, and started the laundry – no Ibuprofen. Around noon, I walked to the mailbox fairly loose and easy … and received the hospital bill. I called the Financial Office in Vancouver as soon as I got back home.

Hospital Bill ... doctor fees not included. NO WAY I can pay this. And it irks me that all I got out of this $2,319.85 bill was to be told I am getting old! My mirror tells me that every day, for free.

I had to drive into town to the Post Office (I rarely mail anything, so I do not keep stamps on hand), and that concerned me. I hadn’t been using Ibuprofen since Wednesday evening, and I knew my left leg would be held in a stationary position during the drive … I would not be able to pull over and lie down to back the pain down if it started deviling me on the drive into town.

I was between a rock and a hard place.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7k4ujBGRGf8)

I knew Bob had driven with a bad back, and a hurtful left leg, our entire married life: I married him with the possibility of him ending up in a wheelchair, hanging over our heads. I let my thoughts dredge up how he handled driving to and from work every day … how he drove into Longview on shopping forays … how he drove for those daytrips, mini-vaca’s, extended vaca’s; and across the USA, from one coast to the other.

If he could do it – so could I.

So, I swallowed 3 Ibuprofen tablets, grabbed my backpack purse, the key fob, my ginger-water ... and said, “Yeshua, I trust You: I love You. Be my pilot – get me there and back again without a wreck. Thank You.”

I don't live my life in fear; I don't allow fear to take root.

My leg did cramp up halfway there because I have not been doing a lot of sitting; and my leg and hip were not used to being in the position they were forced into on the drive; with a punishing seat-belt further doing damage to my touchy hip nerve. But I rubbed my lower leg, and prayed that when I reached the Post Office, I would find a parking spot without cruising the parking lot for half an hour waiting for a spot to open up. It’s the Christmas Season – it was gonna be busier than Hell.

Elohim was merciful, and Yeshua favored me: I got a free spot as close to the Post office as I could – practically at the door 😊

The line moved quickly (I sent ‘Thank You!’ heavenward, again), and I was in and out in record time.

Back in the Park, I decided to drop off the coke cans I have had in the backend of the Highlander waiting to be dropped at the Hospice Can Drop. Bob wasn’t ever in hospice … but his Dad was; so, I do this to honor him – and to help other families who will be facing what I have been dealing with for 28 months.

Friday was a very busy day – busier than it has been in a month’s time. But aside from leaning on Yeshua; I only relied on 3 Ibuprofen, and ginger-water to get me through. I enjoyed a mug of cocoa with ½ teaspoon of cinnamon powder sprinkled in it at bedtime.

I slept like a baby.

Today, I was able to sit at the table (a little discomfort, but not enough to make me stand up again) for a light Supper of Pea Soup and half a Cheese Sandwich. No Ibuprofen at all.

I spent a couple minutes reflecting on where I was emotionally, today, last year – I didn’t spend all day dwelling on it, but I did think on it.

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/in-17-hours15-minutes-everything-ended.html)

I started a new read this morning:

New read

Things seem to be on the upswing.

And I’ve dropped 5 more pounds 😊

If I continue to take it easy, do my sciatica exercises, and nourish my body with anti-inflammatory foods/beverages … this thing should stop deviling me.

I have a life to live: laying on my back staring at the ceiling – or walking grooves in my flooring is not penciled in long-term.

CHIN UP …

 4 more days.

Only 4 more days until I can put those 106 days of 2018, back on the back burner.

4 more days until those 106 days total 24 months.

Bob’s been riding the clouds for nearly 2 years.

Bob showing love in the sky as I drove Ocean Beach Hyw.; on my way to Eden Valley Cemetery, the end of March 2020.

I looked up and saw a ‘hang 5’ cloud toggle as I was leaving Eden Valley Cemetery; March 2020. I could almost see Bob’s twinkling eyes and hear his laughter as he passed overhead and let me know he had seen me.

How is that possible?

I finished the 600+ page book I started yesterday …

New Read

… so, I listened to music as the rain fell outside the windows and raced down the gutter drainpipes.

I can’t hear an Iron Butterfly song without thinking of Bob, and seeing him so clearly with my mind’s eye: his handsome face with those Asian eyes – hazel with gold flecks that danced around the iris’s, and pulsed with life when he aimed his sexy smile at me.

Remembering the softness of his voice when he said he loved me and wanted to marry me; his voice was always soft and gentle – in our 44 years together, I only heard his raise it twice.

Remembering the gentleness of my gentle giant’s touch.

Flowers and beads – an Iron Butterfly Song; defining icons of our youth … Bob was a peacenik, I wore a wooden chukka bead necklace I never took off; and our love was true.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rN8iFqDvB_c)

Bob loved the music of Iron Butterfly.

I loved Bob.

And the way he made my heart sing.

Thoughts of Bob, still makes my heart sing.

And those thoughts get me through the hard and tough times.

I sorely miss Bob … but I am grateful that in his leaving, he left so much of himself with me to pull on: and there are days I pull mightily.

Bob always encouraged me.

Bob always saw setbacks as a challenge he fully engaged in.

I am following his example, with his final encouragement to me; spoken in November 2018: “You can do whatever you set your mind to Honey, I have faith in you.”

Because Bob believed it, and Yeshua my now Husband believes it … I believe it too.

Bob is no longer here; but the love he lavished me with, lives on.

2020 was a shitty (there’s really no other way to describe it that accurately fits) year from start to finish, as people high and low lost their minds in every way imaginable.

But 2021 doesn’t have to be as shitty.

There were some very good times in 2020 too, because I didn’t cave to the fearmongering – I got out and about pretty steadily for the first 8 months; but as the political nonsense continued and the entire PNW was torched … I was confined to my house because the air was too toxic for my asthmatic lungs. And when the air cleared enough to actually get back outside: sciatica pain and arthritis kicked in – it’s almost a month now that my hip and leg have been deviling me. BUT, things seem to be on an upswing. It’s 9:30 PM, and I have not used any Ibuprofen or an Aspercreme patch 😊.

Tomorrow I will walk to the mailbox (a short walk; about ½ a minute up the street) to collect the mail, and hopefully tomorrow will be repeat of today as far as pain goes. And please, God, let the hospital bill be manageable.

2020 was hands-down, the year Hell vomited itself empty and spewed all that twisted hatred on America and Americans: the demonrats welcomed and embraced the possession, and eagerly animated the obama-clinton-pelosi-biden cartel … putting their stupid asses on full display 24/7/343 … and they plan to tack harris on the coup ticket too as they unleash the flying monkey’s they hope will take Americans hostage, and totally destroy America with the dawning of 2021.

There are some people who have not been brainwashed or hoodwinked, and we are making ourselves heard despite the censoring, slap-downs, banning, deleting, blocking, lockdown, shutdowns, burn downs, thefts, outright murders, and Election Year politics that is shameful – and a National disgrace.

Dan Crenshaw: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFYL5Ksix4A)

McCarthy: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sxle_lbCmTo)

Cheney: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBarlWniq0k)

obama worshipper (meghan markle) saying she’s considering a campaign run (ILLEGAL! she is married to prince harry of Great Britain – a foreigner cannot become President: her marriage disqualifies her and her children)/covid-19 tyrannical insanity/the demonrats ridiculous and unsuccessful impeachment attempt of President Trump, based on nothing more than bitter hatred/blm racist and murderous acceleration backed by the demonrats/the scandalous rigging of our Election process by the obamanites to rush a dementia patient into the Oval Office/murder hornets infiltrate the PNW/the obamanites chose a belligerent racist communist – whose husband represents the communist china party IN America to be dementia biden’s right hand/wildfires, kicked off by blm protests, decimated much of the PNW/the demonrats hold Americans hostage while demanding illegals and foreigners be catered to before signing off on aid for Americans who lost livelihoods during the illegal and nonsensical covid lockdowns.

Even Santa is fed up with all the ridiculousness of 2020.

All we have is hope, and a prayer, things will be better in 2021 – that thought has got to keep our chin up; and our spine straight.