Since 8:05 AM, December 14th, in
OHSU – in a State that is not my home State, I watched my husband take his last
breath this side of Heaven. I watched his youngest brother watching my
husband/his oldest brother, taking his last breath.
Life in the present stopped for Bob.
And, likewise, life in the present stopped for
me, also: there seemed to be no purpose. Bob’s spirit had flown, his body
ceased to function … and my life was put on hold. There was no rewinding – there
appeared to be no future … and for 3 months I lacked the momentum to move into
the future; it was hard enough just getting through the seconds of every day.
How could I continue to blossom without Bob?
His unfailing and unconditional love was to
me what Miracle Grow is to plants.
Blossoming was stunted.
Old friends, hometown Gal Pals came into the
picture. They came alongside me; they nursed me back to life. Over the span of
18 months, 1 pulled away – 1 remained. The one that pulled away was a hot house
Georgia peach … I am an unruly weed; she said I stressed her out (aka: I could
not be controlled – I don’t goose step). The remaining Georgia peach comes from
Native stock, wears camo, and doesn’t mind my weediness; she understands me. I’m
not the recipe exchanging type. I’m not the lets-compare-domestication techniques
type. I’m not the let’s-drink-tea all day-gossip like fish wife’s type. I’m the
mud-dogger type. I’m the I-need-to-get-into-the wilds type. I’m the my-house-is
clean enough-not looking for House Beautiful award type/I’ll never be June
Cleaver.
I consider my back-yard neighbors to be a
God-send!
I had been asking Elohim to help me find a
way to enjoy the life I used to enjoy with Bob: the daytrip road trips, the
hikes, the camaraderie of outdoors adventures/explorations. I miss doing those
things, and these things are not wise to do alone – for anyone; but especially
not for 63 year old woman. These are things to be done utilizing the Buddy
System … and my Buddy was now living beyond the clouds.
Then earlier this Spring I was outside
dinking around in my garden area and setting up the rain barrels when I noticed
I had new neighbors.
We started talking over the fenceline. Just
about every day. One day while talking, I mentioned how much I missed getting
into the mountains – and Trudy mentioned that she and Ed were members of the local
Hike Club, and that maybe that would be something I would like to do.
WOULD I! ((((YES!)))) I have always hiked;
and I was really missing it.
So, they started inviting me to go on local
hikes with them. I’ve met some of the other members. It’s been enjoyable. I can’t
become an active Club member yet though, until the State is really opened fully;
because hiking further than the immediate locality has been sidelined with
inslee’s continual political-based-mandates.
And I do hike on my own when it is prudent (financially
expedient) and safe (where trails are busy with foot traffic) to do so. And I
do leave the immediate vicinity (visit other local counties and sometimes I
jump across the river) – I will continue to do so; and wait impatiently for
things to open up Statewide for more in-depth hiking with the safety net of
group hikes.
Getting out of the hose and hiking or day-tripping
is essential to my over-all-wellbeing: emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
I can’t stay trapped in my home breathing the same stale air for months (or the
demoncrat’s projected YEARS), and giving my thoughts free rein to go down
rabbit trails I’d rather not go down: that is not good for me emotionally,
spiritually, or physically – becoming an emotional basket-case would thrust me
into a depressed void and cause physical issues. I won’t allow that. Getting out
of the house keeps my perspective balanced.
Daytrip drives help.
But hiking is where I really come alive.
I love being outdoors, enjoying nature and basking
in the beauty of Yeshua’s created world – this life is the only time I’ll be
able to enjoy it: this particular world, and this specifically created nature,
will not exist in the next life; on another realm of life.
1 time around is all I will have.
I have to make it count.
So, I have started to get back into the swing
of life, unfurl the life that shriveled when I became a widow … and start to
blossom with a second bloom ;-)
Yesterday I blew past the “tentative step”
stage – and went “in for a penny, in for a pound.” There’s no going backwards
now; it’s full steam ahead :-D
I had been putting $$$ aside every month for
months: yesterday, I burned through most of it. This morning I put a match to a
little more. And I’m not regretting any of it. The expenditures were necessary to
kick off my new life.
Before I could change my mind, I drove into
town first thing in the morning, and plopped $$$ down for new hiking shoes,
boots, backpack and fanny pack. So far, I’ve been walking local trails that are
fairly level and maintained – that won’t always be the case if and when my
hiking venue kicks off and opens up: the shoes and boots will be a life-saver
in more ways than one. So, I consider the expenditure an advantage for my
future – the $$$ was well spent.
I also grabbed a backpack and fanny pack.
There will be times a backpack will be necessary; and sometimes a fanny pack
will be enough. I had an old denim fanny pack that I used when Bob and I went
hiking, but we didn’t do the types of hiking the Club will do – I needed a more
substantial fanny pack. Mine is not as fancy as some of the other members’ …
but it will suffice for me: I am not a fancy person. The backpack I chose is
not tricked out, but it will do for me. I don’t need to have tricked out
anything – I’m not hiking for bragging points. I just need to be able to carry necessities;
the backpack I bought, suffices. If I ever need to upgrade, I will – but for
now, I am okay.
I bought the dumbbells because I like to
exercise. I always have. There were no heavier weight dumbbells available; but
that’s okay: I can make do with what I have to add additional weight when I
want to bump things up a bit ;-)
I bought new hiking boots & shoes - Keen brand. Spendy, but needed.
Backpack in our school colors; in memory of Bob - he'll be with me in this way ...
Fanny pack
When I stopped spending
money, and got home, I decided to put my new shoes on and break them in with a
little walking. I’d already walked at least 2 miles walking through various
stores downtown – all over Bob’s Sporting Goods (upstairs – LOTS of stairs!;
as well as downstairs: from one end of the store to the other); Fred Meyers
(from one end of the store to the other – up and down the isles several
times), and Wal*Mart (from one end of the store to the other – up and
down the isles several times) … but I wanted to explore a Park close to
home in my new shoes to see how they would feel on my feet; and to get my feet
used to them. People had been talking about the Park close to home, so I
thought I’d drive over there and see what it was all about: Roy Morse Park …
It was a nice,
well-maintained Park, but it is not a hiking Park: it is basically a Baseball
Park on one half, with a Disc Golf Course on the other half. I did walk the grassy
entire perimeter – because it was there, and so was I, and why not … I racked up a little under an 1 mile. I might try Disc Golfing though; it looks like it would
be a type of full-body workout, and I do like exercising. It looks fun, it’s
something I can do solo lobo, and it will force me to be “in the moment” while
engaged in the action:
It’s an active exercise that
should be safe for Seniors, and the cost of engaging in it is pretty feasible:
$20-$40 on a set of 3 discs (depending on how extravagant you want to be),
$20-$50 for a disc bag (again, depends on how extravagant you want to be);
after those 2 things, the game is basically free. Total start-up cost between
$40 to $100 smackeroos for an outdoor exercise. Workout at a stuffy/smelly gym
will be double/triple that.
Still in the mood to walk, I
drove the short distance to 48th and started the Pacific Way Trail
hike from there.
Someone must be maintaining the gravel road, because it's very walkable.
Pacific Way Trail: I Started from 48th today and walked to 30th (which would be from left to right on the Map as shown).
The new shoes are heavier
than what I am used to for walking shoes – the toe lip and sole is very sturdy
and heavy; I was feeling the unfamiliar weight the further I walked.
But the workout felt good, and
I was rapt in my element, surrounded by bird song, gentle ruffled water, the
contented soft quacks of the ducks, and the soothing crunch-crunch-crunch of
fellow hikers’ fast paced steps; so, I kept walking ;-)
Breaking in my new hiking shoes.
The Swedish Black Duck and a Mallard hen. Swedish Black Duck hens are also black, with a white bib.
Great Blue Heron
Great Blue Heron walking in the slough water.
Great Blue heron shaking its plumage …
The mansion on Old Pacific Highway has new owners – the addition does not match the old architecture. Sad to see this happening; but it is not my house, the new owners can ruin its appeal if they want to.
Bob liked watching the
herons, and I’m noticing that my eyes are starting to search for them too. I’ve
seen quite a few of them lately, so out of curiosity tonight, I did a little
research into the significance of what seeing one represents. According to
North American Indian lore, the Blue Heron is said to bring messages of
self-determination and self-reliance. That fits :-D Bob was a self-made-man,
and I am a self-made-woman … we didn’t ask anyone to do for us, and neither of
us ever expected anyone would do for us: WE DID FOR US. And I am doing for me,
now, solo lobo. Indian lore also says that the Blue Heron represents an
ability to progress and evolve; the long thin legs of the heron are said to
reflect that an individual doesn’t need great massive pillars to remain stable –
but must be able to stand on one’s own. Bingo.
When I reached 42nd,
I could hear the busyness of the golf course – but I wanted to do the entire
trail. So, I forged onward …
The Mint Valley Golf Course is big – the trail literally hugs the course … and runs the entire length of the back end.
A little too Close for comfort!
Mama Mallard with 5 baby ducklings.
The Grim Reaper is not gonna get me today.
I am making light if seeing that crow – I don’t
believe that crows are the messengers of death; but my thoughts just naturally ‘go
there’ when I see one hanging around in close proximity ;-) Crows are
scavengers that feed on dead things: including dead humans – and I think that’s
how they got labeled as the birds of death.
I laughed as it flew away – and kept walking,
crossing the highway at 38th and continuing along the dike to 30th.
The Grim Reaper will just have to wait.
At this point, my calves were definitely
feeling the burn of the added weight. I was glad I decided to break them in,
and get my legs and feet use to them before Club Hiking!
The new house being built was getting roofed …
A silly trigger.
Took a quick 5 minutes resy here. Community use: racked up 2.6 miles/1-way to walk all 3 dike trails along the route.
5.2 miles was the total after backtracking to the Horizon.
When I got home and tallied my total miles
for the day, I estimated I had walked at least 8 miles. I was beat! I called it
an early night, and hit the rack at 8:30 PM.
8:30 PM!
This morning, I woke at 9 AM, and decided to
drive back into town and pick up some more things I had thought about last
night, while slipping into dreamland …
Today’s hiking necessities haul.
When I got home, I started watering my garden
boxes; and ended up spending 5 hours dinking around watering, weeding, admiring,
chatting with passersby who tell me they like to see my garden and they like my
garden boxes (I always appreciate people admiring Bob’s handiwork), and harvesting
in the garden area. I pulled down a paper wasp nest, and I also pulled grass out of the river rock that covers the
whole back yard – it came out easy, but I will have to finish the rest tomorrow
because 5 straight hours of bending and stretching was enough for today.
Glad it is a dead nest ... I have no idea where it came from.
And I missed Bob.
I always lose time when I am in my garden.
Usually after about an hour and a half, Bob would be coming out on the porch to
say, “There you are. Ready to come in yet?” And I’d say, “Just a little more –
then I’ll be right in”.
He’d end up coming out another 2
times; the 3rd time, shaking his head
and grinning at me, until I’d raise my arms with bent elbows and palms facing
him in mock surrender, laughing and saying. “Okay, I quit. Let’s order pizza.”
Pizza was Bob favorite food, and a peace offering from me.
When we had our grandson with us, he’d press
his tiny nose against the bedroom window screen – next to my garden area, and
say, “I wuv u gamma” (translation: Come in now, and spend some time with me),
so I’d go right in and spend time with him – and go back out an hour later; when
he was ready to move onto something else … like watch TV with grandpa.
There is never enough time for the people and
things you love.
I miss my gentle giant.
I miss my grandson.
All I have now is my garden.
It is not enough …
It is time now to let my new life
burst into bloom.
