2 CORINTHIANS ~ Chapter 2

The underlying point of this letter is that there was – as there always is – a rebellious someone in the circle, bent on causing trouble and stirring up mischief.

The background of this letter is to highlight genuine love, empathy, compassion, example of fellowship discipline, and example of Christian behavior.

It is okay … and even commendable … to steer clear of situations where circumstances are decidedly unfavorable & can lead to a rebellious turning from Yeshua. One can still love (and lovingly counsel, and/or discipline) from a distance, without becoming entangled in dicey hostilities.

I can relate.

**********

2 CORINTHIANS ~ Chapter 2

“In thinking it through, I made up my mind not to come to you again in displeasure. For, if I were to bring sorrow to you, who then would make me glad, except the very one who I have offended? Indeed, I said this very thing in my letter to you, for fear that when I came I might have sorrow from those I should expect to give me joy. I trust you are all alike in this, that what would make me happy would also have the same effect on all of you. And when I wrote to you, I was much troubled, had anguish in my heart and shed many tears. I did not wish to bring sorrow upon you, but rather to have you know of the abundant love I have for you.

But if there is anyone who has caused grief, it is not me only whom he has caused sorrow, but all of you, at least in some measure, not to overstate the case. The majority of you have censured him for his misdeeds, and I think this is, in his case, discipline enough. Now it would seem proper for you to turn about and forgive him and encourage him, otherwise his sorrow may overpower him. I urge you, therefore, to show him that you still love him. I had this in mind, too, when I wrote about him, to see some proof of how obedient you are in carrying out my instructions. I, too, am willing to forgive anyone anything that you forgive. And when I have pardoned anyone for anything, I, too, have done it for your sake in the Name of mashiach. For thus Lucifer will not get the better of us; for we know about his strategies.

When I went to Troas to preach the Gospel of Mashiach, there was there an open door for me in Adonai Yeshua:

Still, I had no peace of mind, because I did not find Titus, my brother, there. I therefore took leave of them and went on to Macedonia …

But thanks be to Elohim, Who in Mashiach always led us to victory, and through us makes our knowledge of Him penetrate every place like a sweet perfume! For we are to Elohim the sweet perfume of Mashiach, made manifest both among those who are being saved and also those who are going to destruction. To the latter, it is the smell of doom and death itself, but to the former it is a perfume of life to life. Now, who is competent to preach this way? We are; for we are not, like so many, making profit by teaching Elohei’s Word falsely. No, we are sincere. We have been sent out by Elohim, we are Mashiach’s ministers, and speak as in Elohei’s presence.”

**2 CORINTHIANS 1: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/2-corinthians-chapter-1.html

5 HOUR NAP ~ Such A Sweet Dream …

Didn’t sleep very well last night – missing Bob and missing our daughter; but tired of fighting with her. Yesterday, she removed herself from my life a.g.a.i.n … and I am okay with that. I didn’t cry; that tells me that I am waaaay past caring anymore whether she is in – or out – of my life as my life goes forward. Over the past 35 years of her constant jerking of my strings, I often wondered what it would actually feel like when the string she was yanking on finally snapped; and I quit caring.

Strangely, I don’t feel anything.

I checked FB yesterday, and saw that she was missing from my Friends List … and, for reasons of her own, I have subsequently been blocked.

ALL I felt was: ‘Hmmmm’.

That’s it.

THANK YOU, YESHUA.

I am no longer devastated by any of her childish and churlish actions.

But, apparently I did miss her last night, while missing Bob. It’s not the same missingness – because Bob truly loved me. Where Stacey is concerned … I just feel sad with the missingness; because she never allowed us to be close. All her life she has fought against me. For anything, and everything. Life with Stacey was always a battlefield; and I never knew when she’d strike a painful blow. I miss the life we could have had, had she ever wanted me in her life.

Now, all that is behind me, and my only response is, ‘hmmmm.’

I have finally reached the point in my life, where I am no longer devastated by any of her childish and churlish actions. Hallelujah.

And, while I am also missing Bob: that, too, has changed. The Grim Reaper’s imp and sidekick, Grief, can no longer devastate me either. There are times, still, where I am hit with longing and sudden missingness that makes my nose burn with the onset of tears, and brings me to my knees … but those times are coming further and further apart. The year I gave myself to fully grieve the loss of my husband’s presence in my life; and the end of a beautiful 44 year life Bob gave me with his love, was concluded this past December 14^th (26 days ago): and in this New Year, after suffering the loss of my husband, the loss of an entire way of life, and the loss of my entire family nucleus … Elohim is favoring me with mercy.

Over the past 382 days, Elohim has abundantly supplied for ALL my needs – I never suffered depression while grieving for Bob/loyal and present friends came alongside me and remain steadfast/my monthly expenses are being met & I can afford occasional “extras”/I am building a New Life with new Family.

I am blessed.

Moving into 2020, 1 day at a time, I have a loosely formulated ‘Plan’ of sorts; and I am energetically embracing whatever each day brings to me with each new dawn – even though my energy level has never fully rebounded from the severe life changes that occurred in the Fall-Winter of 2018: the life changes that jerked me around in 2019, and the life changes that crested with the arrival of 2020. But I have been strengthened, just the same. As 2018 waned, I survived when I thought my heart would never recover; as I moved through 2019, I survived when I thought would drown in a sea of emotional upheaval; and by the time 2020 dawned, I realized I was no longer looking at life through eyes that had been soul-hurt; I KNEW I had made it through the hardest times of my entire life … and I would be more than a survivor: I would be victorious in my New Life.

It’s an energizing feeling :-D

Even so, getting energized, takes time when batteries have been run down so low; the spark sparking is faint.

There are days I am still dazed and confused when life comes at me too fast, and too hard – but, I am rolling with it now, and getting back on my feet with a little bounce to my step. Enthusiasm and interest in events and activities still has to be forced – but, I AM working up enthusiasm and that generated enthusiasm makes events a good (and often-time FUN) thing once I actively engage. I DO go out of the house to go on Daytrip drives, revisiting places Bob & I went together – new places too, as a Solo Lobo – meet with old friends; and meet new people who become new friends.

All through the emotional upheavals of 2018, I began to draw on the girl Bob met in 1974 and admired ... so much so, he wanted that girl in his life, and talked her into joining her life with his 4 months into dating – the determined girl full of grit, whose power was the power of love; because love is so powerful, it infuses, strengthens, and beautifies whoever welds it skillfully. Towards the waning of 2019, I began a catharsis; an awakening of renewal and restoration as I began to let go of my old life … and all the pain associated with it, and boldly move into a new life that would free me to become the person Bob’s blessing as he was leaving this planet, released me to be.

It took me a while to relinquish the life I shared with Bob; it took me some time to learn to meld the foundation of those old memories with the restructuring of the new life I am building. I had to find balance and harmony in suddenly finding myself “me” instead of the “we” I had been for 44 years. I had to stop chasing after people who threw me under the bus – while Bob had hoped his physical death would bring about a restoration of family … family has made very clear that is not going to happen.

I had to learn to let go.

I had to learn to face a clean slate (no recriminations – from self, or outside influences), a blank canvas (I can create with as much color as I want; any design I want), wide open horizons (anything & everything IS possible).

I am creating my own legacy, while honoring Bob’s legacy and remembering the life our love built.

That legacy of love is carrying me into the future: 1 day at a time.

Life is good again.

Keenager’s had been put off for 2 weeks over the Christmas-New Year period … it was on again, this afternoon, so I decided to go through town to get to the meet. I first stopped at Wal*Mart on Ocean Beach, to see if my relief inhaler was ready for pickup yet – it wasn’t last night; but, it was this afternoon. 

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/01/lakefront-appointment.html)

Then, I stopped at the bank to cash a refund check I received the other day:

Not a lot, but enough for lunch with the girls later this month.

((((Thank You, Yeshua!)))) ;-)

Then, it was over back streets and up the hill to the meet. It was fun to see everyone again, share updates on our lives, laugh, and share a meal together. I helped with kitchen cleanup (I actually like doing that), and chuckled when I saw the retro kitchen color scheme – I LIKE color, and this sink and countertop combo was plenty colorful :-D

I LIKE!

Because I had tossed and turned throughout the previous night – and had finally just gave up & got out of bed as dawn dawned; and I was yawning pretty heavily and frequently following lunch at the meet. So, I left Keenager’s before it was even halfway into the meet, and crashed immediately after reaching home …

WOW! I was really tired – and snared by a sweet dream where Bob and I were young and free. We laughed, we sang, we made love. Sweet memories. Man! I MISS my man!

Since I slept sooooo long today, and am … refreshed and wide awake, I think I’ll get busy making a dishcloth to match this kitchen towel I designed, and worked up, the other night ;-)

MOD Retro daisy trimmed Kitchen towel.

REDUNDANCY

A lot of what I post since becoming a solo lobo sojourner through life sounds pretty redundant. And it IS. That is the litany of Widowhood.

All we have left of the love/life we had before our new life is memories: memories ARE redundant. We repeat ourselves A LOT because (1) we never want to forget our spouse, and verbal repetition keeps them alive – to us … to others (2) hearing what we say out loud HELPS US FOCUS; our spouse is no longer with us as a balancing sounding board – and the kids and grandkids have made themselves scarce (3) friends are far and few between … and most of them are still physically coupled – their lives have not been severely altered. Comprehension of widowhood is fuzzy and uncomfortable for family & friends to contemplate.

So, to save our sanity we solo lobos are often redundant.

To successfully forge ahead and not get lost in sorrow … we occasionally revisit our old life to strengthen our courage: we lapse into redundancy, and a lengthy discourse of our spouse’s virtues, strengths, and character. This is how we shore up the emotional bulwark we need, to victoriously walk through this new life of ours.

  

 

I love you, Babe.

Always ~ OX

LAKEFRONT APPOINTMENT

Today was a busy day … which was a good thing because it rained all day long – and the business kept the drowsiness at bay ;-)

Dave stopped in early this morning for a visit: and we visited for about 4 hours – just shooting the breeze, talking about his globe-trotting adventures/our families/our kids/the past/remembrances of Bob/the present/ and hopes for manana :-D

I laughed a LOT.

The laughter kept my mind off the doctor's appointment.

It is GOOD to spend time with friends.

After, Dave left, I hopped in the car and ran across town to make my a 2:10 PM appointment with Dr. Landry at Lakefront Clinic. I loathe doctors, clinics, and hospitals; but I made the appointment because I can’t get a relief asthma inhaler without a personal physician’s okay to receive one. Dr. Landry and I are familiar with each other – Peace Health Hospital assigned her to Bob’s case in November of 2018. Even though we know each other, I was still nervous meeting with her today.

For lots of reasons.

Walking through the Clinic doors brought back a lot of memories I’d rather not be faced with in the moment – and age specific questioning that humored me; and irked me at the same time:

Geriatric Query Sheet. Looking at that sheet of geriatric questions, I refused to cave into to age discrimination; I left it all blank.

I was put in the same room Bob had been in when doctors were trying to figure out why he was dying … and I did cry, thinking about the last time I was in that room.

Thankfully, Dr. Landry came in after the short vid was shot; and I got an easy In-Out visit.

THANK YOU, YESHUA!

She got into the Hospital Data Bank and asked a few quick questions – did I want reminders concerning mammograms? NO Colonoscopies? NO Blood testing? NO Fu Shot? NO: I told her, “I’m basically here because I need a relief inhaler and this is the only way I can obtain one; I don’t do drugs – anything that can’t be got from Country Village, I avoid.” So, she said, “I’ll just delete all these things from the data bank then, and you won’t get pestered with reminders.” We both laughed – and I thanked her. She did a quick physical check – and asked if I saw a holistic physician, and I said, “No; I know what is wrong with me, and I pay attention to my body vibes. If something needs attention, I treat it organically. If I can’t figure it out, then I will come here, and you can help me treat it with organic measures.”

She agreed. She said all my vital stats were perfect. I told her that I don’t use the relief inhaler all the time, and that I’d like to get off it completely because it makes me feel like I am tripping on speed tablets (she didn’t inquire – and I didn’t explain), and she asked me if I have always had asthma, and how I am dealing with my asthma now. I told her that I have always been short of breath and that I never used an inhaler until we started living in Longview: my asthma attacks are triggered by the poor air quality here – she nodded in agreement; and asked how I am managing my asthma. So, I told her that I am careful to monitor my immediate surroundings and take measures to make sure I remove as many toxins as I can … anything that will hurt my lungs; stay indoors when the air quality is dangerous; eat foods/use herbs that are healing food stuffs to my lungs; and I cut stressors out of my life as much as I possibly can, including family members that live to stress me out. She was nodding her head, and said I was doing what needed to be done, then she called in a prescription for a relief inhaler (to be replaced x3) to the Wal*Mart Pharmacy on Ocean Beach. When I mentioned the anaphylaxis reaction, that I have to bee stings (wasp, hornet, and yellow jacket too), she was concerned, and said, “You do self-pay, right? An EpiPen can run as high as $700. Buy some Benadryl and keep it on you – then call 911.” I thanked her. But I knew that if I suffered another anaphylaxis reaction, there would be NO WAY I could swallow a Benadryl – my throat swelled up so fast the last time that all I had time to do was run into the house and show Bob my grotesquely swollen face and lips, and say, “I can feel my throat swelling: start praying H.A.R.D. Or I am going Home (Heaven) in a matter of minutes.” Then I mentally separated my thoughts from what was happening to my body/calmed down/and relaxed. The swelling eventually went down and here I am: alive, still ;-) But, I have been told that if the same thing happens again, I probably won’t survive without an EpiPen.

I’m not going to spend my life freaking out about death.

What will happen … will happen.

I am 63 years old; I have lost everything that ever meant anything to me. I am okay with whatever direction Elohim decides to take my life: either I will continue to live here on Earth – or, I will meet Bob beyond the clouds.

I am okay with either.

Dr. Landry had pulled up whatever medical notes Peace health had in their Hospital Data Bank, and knew exactly what meds I am deathly allergic to (penicillin and sulfas: will send me into heart-attack mode in a heart beat)/that I am dangerously anemic/and that I am lactose intolerant; so it stands to reason that when she ran my Hargand Name through the records, she also knows how I stand on the DNR issue. I didn’t have to mention it. And I carry my wishes about that in my purse at all times - just in case I ever find myself being asked about that by an Emergency Team.

There was no public showdown; and no harassment about future follow-through & follow-up appointments ;-)

I got to Wal*Mart and asked for my inhaler … and was told they hadn’t received the prescription; so, there was no pickup. I’ll check again tomorrow.

AIMLESS & MISGUIDED SNOWFLAKE WARS

The electrifying 2020 fireworks just keeps putting on displays.

I used to like fireworks.

I used to like rainbows.

I used to like snowflakes. I am a snowbaby.

But recently I read a post from an angry snowflake I used to know, that makes me cry for the little girl she used to be before she became society's child.

In the flesh I am stepping back from all that spiritual hostility coming at me; born of perversion and enacted with hatred. I have been pulled into her spiritual angst for 35 years – I’m tired of being pulled back into the fight with luring “I love you’s” that mean nothing but more pain coming down the turnpike. The I love you’s have become meaningless.

And I will never consider snowflakes a soothing thing of beauty again.

Just like the rainbow; the snowflake, has now become a political tool used in the hands of the unscrupulous obamanite lemmings to try to bludgeon those they oppose into submission.

I miss the girl she used to be.

I will always miss her.

But I will not fight with her disembodied identity anymore; I refuse to be 'triggered'.

I am stepping back from all that hostility coming from the dumbass sector of society.

I find it amusing … and ironically laughable … that the demoncrat mascot is a braying Ass – and the snowflakes are too stupidly snowblinded to comprehend.

I do not want endless looping self-indulgent angst aimed at me anymore.

From anyone.

I do not make place for it in my life anymore.

From anyone.

The demoncrat party is filled with a bunch of pussified pansies that don't know how to live without special political agendas to pamper their spoiled asses.

Rainbows and snowflakes used to be a thing of beauty.

Now they are just political icons for societal insanity.

My heart hurts.

But I cannot shed a single tear - With 2 declaratory posts, whatever there may have been to cry for ... has effectively been erased as though it never existed: e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. I wrapped my entire life around for 44 years no longer exists: no husband - no family - no daughter … NONE OF THESE THINGS EXIST ANYMORE.

My husband’s physical body died December 14^th, 2018.

Our children have consistently torpedoed our family – openly declaring war and actively engaging in hostile decimation tactics in July and November of 2019.

Our daughter has finally erased her entire being 22 hours ago: from the time she was 9 years old, all I ever heard was how much she hated me & hated her Name: she has legally changed her Name. In November of 2019, she made clear that her father was included in that hatred aimed at me – she attacked the memory of a man who can’t defend himself in her rush to draw blood from her verbal attack on me. December 16^th, she informed me she intends to live an androgynous life (no surprise to me), and 22 hours ago – on FB – she boldly went on the attack, with 2 posts aimed directly at me; though my name was not mentioned, it was clear from the posts contexts, to whom they were intended. She keeps asking me, "Why do you hate me?" I have never hated my daughter ... but she has always hated herself. So much so, that she has consistently pushed me away from her and out of her life. And now, lost in some "magical fantasy", she had recreated herself: there is, literally nothing of her left that is recognizable as the genuine person I gave birth to 45 years ago.

She claims she likes storms - but I don't think she can handle the storm coming her way.

Bob was a storm watcher: Bob could handle the storms in his life; he married one ;-)

I am a storm when push comes to shove.

Sometimes, when life got too comfortable, Bob would poke the storm in me, just to get an reaction, saying with a twinkle in his eye and a broad smile, "Com'on Babe - lighten up. Come here ... you'r so damned cute when you're mad."

I am fairly confident Stacey will not be able to withstand the storm she unleashed. Bob laughed in the face of a storm ... Stacey whines and goes on the attack.

It has been reported in the scientific field that "a Category 6 Hurricane does not exist": I AM THAT CATEGORY 6 HURRICANE; and she unleashed me to clean house.

Bob was a storm watcher, and could ride a storm out; Stacey bit off more than she can chew.

And they are massive ... I can match any level of testosterone: or gender-bender hatred - and then some.

When Bob and I spoke our last words to each other those last 12 hours before he could no longer communicate verbally, and I assured him that I would rebuild a new life; I had no idea that my old life would go so spectacularly up in flames ... and that our children would be the ones setting the fires that would destroy it all.

THANK GOD I am stronger than what has been hurled at me by those who said they love me.

Now I know where I stand with them – I always known, actually: but now they have boldly put it out there; moving it from private family angst to shrill public heralding.

I refuse to fight with them; their inner demons are not my battle to engage with. They are nothing but a storm in a tea cup ...

My world has been shaken, but I will never be destroyed.

They have thrown the gantlets down.

I accept the challenge.

Bob taught me a lot – when he was a logger, there were times he was called out to fight a fire during fire season: I learned that the sometimes the only way to kill a raging fire is to fight fire with fire …

And I WILL take back what Hell thinks to claim.

People really should never test me.

C.O.U.N.T.O.N.I.T.

Hell has met its match ... My family – EVERY MEMBER – belongs to Elohim. Hell has met its match: it's now "game on"

Ephesians 6:12: “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against power, against the rulers of the darkness of the world, against wickedness in high places.”

So.

To Whom it may concern (you should recognize the politically correct address) … because you have effectively booted me from your life, changed your name and now refuse your gender: while I did not {vote for Trump; therefore I am not ‘a Trumpster’} – I am glad he is our President, and is systematically undoing everything within his power to undo every illegal and perverse thing barak hussain obama forced on America and on The People. GO TRUMP! I am rising to the snide remark to {strap up your boot laces} and march into battle: and I am reasonably certain that the victory, already won, will be sustained. OORAH! And while I am a crack shot with firearms, I have left them behind in lieu of weapons so powerful and so accurate – victory is a cinch (Ephesians 6:1-18). There is no need to {grab the gun}. And the quip, {kiss the heterosexual spouse you pretend to enjoy} shows a lack of character on the part of the queer freakshow parade that parrots party line twaddle, but It doesn’t score a direct hit … sorry snowflake. I NEVER “pretend”; my life is always 100% REAL: I loved your father when I saw his face at 10 years old, I loved your father when I married him at 17, I loved your father for 44 years of a marriage that was 100% REAL, and I loved your father while I watched him dying: I love your father STILL with a TRUE love that is 100% REAL. I am sorry you feel the need to malign me and the relationship your father and I had in order to justify your weak cause to a political agenda going nowhere fast. I am sorry you are so miserable in your own life that you feel the need to spray your misery all over my life; but, I have survived stronger hatred – I will survive your hatred. And lastly, {white} is NOT A SKIN COLOR. Your pointless racist jab carries no pain at all. You say you want inner-peace and to live a peaceful life – IF that is true, then do yourself a favor: get off the Crazy Train, and step away from the Freak Show Parade. Practice what you preach: “If you can’t be kind … be quiet”.

Just sayin’.

I have been knocked down. But I am ALWAYS back on my feet before the count of 10. And when I get back up ... I come up fighting to win; I never go down again.

It seems surreal where my life has gone in 388 days since becoming a Widow.

But it is no surprise to me that I would be facing this.

It was no surprise to Bob that things would come to this.

It is no surprise no Elohim, Who, already had strategic players on the field.

And everything will be righted.

Because the victory has already been won; and I am on the Winner’s Team :-)

SUNDAY~FUNDAY 5

This morning my friends whisked me away for a Sunday~Funday :-D

So ... reviewing the video after posting, I noticed some white specks on my shirt and looked down on it to see what was on my shirt; thinking I may have to run and change it before my friends arrive.

NOTHING!

No specks on my shirt - don't know why they show up in the vid. Weird.

They arrived around 10:30 AM … and off we went.

Today was my 5^th Daytrip adventure on a Sunday (I did 4 f them last year as a Solo Lobo ;-)) …

Sunday Funday 1: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/07/sunday-funday.html

Sunday Funday 2: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/09/sunday-funday-2.html

Sunday Funday 3: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/09/sunday-funday-3.html

Sunday Funday 4: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/11/sunday-funday-4.html

… but today will be my first adventure this New Year with friends.

I had a GREAT time on my Sunday ~ Funday Adventure :-D

Some old friends.

A few new friends.

Remembering old times with Bob ... with the old friends.

Jumping into the fire and making new memories with the new friends.

Today will no doubt be repeated – maybe next time they will feel comfortable about me taking pictures to share ;-)