U.N.F.R.E.A.K.I.N.G.B.E.L.I.E.V.A.B.L.E!

I am so pissed, I could slam heads together.

Bob's mother and sister, rosie.

Mind you ... these are THE SAME TWO who could not be bothered to come see Bob when he was in the hospital dying - but NOW they WANT TO RUN HIS FUNERAL!

In August, when I called rosie to tell her Bob was in ICU, DYING, she said, "John wants me to wait a few weeks; we have a business deal we're working out." And his mother didn't want to come see him unless there was a funeral following.

U.N.F.R.E.A.K.I.N.G.B.E.L.I.E.V.A.B.L.E!

BUT! They found the time to come up and see him when they staged a coup to kidnap him and hijack him to Emanuel Hospital in Oregon. That earned them a freeze-out for a month and a half. Bob forgave them in November because he wanted to meet Yeshua with a clean slate - hard feelings had to be laid to rest at that point.

They carved out time to come see him December 13th, 2018 FOR 5 MINUTES - all I could think was, "Why even bother coming at all?" HE IS DYING! They could at least have stuck around longer that 5 fucking minutes! But, all they did was come in the room, pat his hand, AND WALK OUT. It pissed Stacey off. But it was so typical - Stacey had never seen that side of them ... but then, how would she KNOW? She never saw much of them all her life: Bob & Rose would stop at Ralph's to visit and spend time with his girls ... but couldn't be bothered to walk the extra 10 steps to see Bob, or Stacey: it was ridiculous behavior - and a total snub. Alex was ALWAYS included in birthday parties, holiday celebrations, and grandma babysitting - but Stacey was never included in the grandkid days ... and Rose refused to babysit her (she conveniently had a "bad back" when Bob would ask her if she'd watch Stacey for half an hour - the OTHER grandkids were there: WE COULD SEE THEM; often Alex was even there!). It HURT Stacey. It hurt me. It hurt and embarrassed Bob that his mother would treat his wife and daughter so indifferently. When rosie was getting married, the OTHER nieces were asked to be in the wedding party - Stacey was asked ONLY AFTER Bob found out about the slight (again … Ralph, rubbing salt in the wound) and brought it up to his mother ... and Rose was quick to let us know that she was "put upon" by having to include Stacey, and make a matching dress for her to wear with the other girls. Bob, Stacey, and I felt the heat of his mother’s ire. I, personally, wanted Bob to tell his mother that since it was such a belated inclusion, Stacey wouldn’t be joining the others after all; BUT Bob insisted that she be included with the other girls. It was misery.

And NOW, they are planning "a memorial" ... WHICH IS MY RESPONSIBILITY. It is not theirs. It is NOT about THEM! It is not about what THEY WANT!

It is ABOUT BOB; AND WHAT HE WANTED - IT IS ABOUT WHAT ((((I)))) DECIDE HAPPENS IN EDEN VALLEY ON AUGUST 30th!

DAMN IT!

WHEN WILL THEY STOP INTERFERING????

I swear I am ready to cancel the whole thing and just go celebrate Bob's life BY MYSELF in Eden Valley on the 30th; and give everyone else the 1-finger-salute.

Yesterday, I got a call from rosie, asking me if it was okay if she did an obit and posted it on FB - and then she said, "come to my page and read it. And what about flowers?"

So, right then, I KNEW it WAS ALREADY A DONE DEAL! Why even bother asking?

I had already TOLD EVERYONE IN DECEMBER THERE WOULD BE NO OBIT! Bob did not want one.

But his mother & his sisters do - so he will get one whether he wanted one or not.

IT IS DISRESPECTFUL.

TO HIM.

TO ME.

TO HIS DAUGHTER AND GRANDCHILDREN.

Bob did not want a big deal made out of his death: NO OBIT - NO FLOWERS.

HE IS NOT IN THE GRAVE!

HE DID NOT WANT TO BE MOURNED AS THE WORLD MOURNS!

He wanted HIS LIFE TO BE CELEBRATED WITH HAPPINESS AND JOYFUL REJOICING!

But his mother and sisters INSIST on mourning as if he were dead ...

What could I say? She put me on the spot - and I HATE being cornered. I said, as politely as I could, "do whatever you want to do." It was already done when she called me.

Then I came home to check her page to see what she posted ... AND I COULDN'T SEE HER PAGE - so, I sent her a Friend request so I could gain access to her Page to see what she posted ... totally ignored. Again, it was expected. She really didn't want me to visit her Page - she was just notifying me in a passive-aggressive-bullying way that she was steamrolling ahead with her wants ...

Bob's niece, Michelle, asked me to Friend her, yesterday; so I did - and finally saw what rosie had posted.

I WAS INSTANTLY PISSED.

Bob was called "Bobby".

HE HATED THAT pet name!

And there was NO MENTION AT ALL OF ME - or that he was even married!

None.

Nada.

This is what was posted: {{MEMORIAL NOTICE:

Robert Allen Hargand, better known as “Bobby”

August 30, 1949 ~ December 14, 2018

On August 30, 2019 at Noon a Graveside Memorial for Bobby will be held at the Eden Valley Cemetery. Family and loved-ones are welcome to share memories of him and scripture to honor his life. A Potluck Style meal and gathering will be held following the Memorial at the Rosburg Hall. Please feel free to bring food, memories and share time with us as we honor and celebrate Bobby’s life.}}

One would THINK the WIDOW would at least GET A MENTION.

But, then again, THIS Widow has never gotten a mention other than "Bobby's wife" UNTIL Bob put his foot down and INSISTED they recognize me as such.

So, I posted a CLARIFYING OBIT on MY Page to counter the bully tactic of the interfering Hargand women.

And I called rosie around 9 p.m. tonight to tell her, "no flowers - Bob did not want flowers." The response I got, almost made me add ... "And tell everyone to cash in their plane tickets - the 'memorial' has been called off."

I am at THAT point.

I have a raging migraine and a stomach ache.

I am dreading August 30th in Eden Valley.

I hate showdowns - especially when I have to show up with a bazooka gun to make sure my gentle giant peacenik is placed at the front of the line ON HIS DAY.

Bob's Celebration of Life IS NOT ABOUT his mother.

Bob's Celebration of Life IS NOT ABOUT his siblings.

Bob's Celebration of Life IS ABOUT HIM!

Bob's Celebration of Life is ABOUT HIS IMMEDIATE FAMILY: HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN!

And the joyful celebration I had planned is already ruined with stressful bad feelings before it even begins 22 days from now - ((((I)))) don't even feel like attending!

Maybe I won't.

Maybe I will go ahead of everyone - spend time with MY HUSBAND before the family arrives - and leave before the family arrives. That way, they can do whatever the hell they want to do, since they are not considering me or Bob. They are, as usual, totally self-absorbed.

Bob was never considered when the family got together anyway - in fact, 9 times out of 10 they didn't think about him UNTIL the event was over; then his mother could be heard saying, "Oh! I forgot about Bobby!"

WEEKS OR MONTHS LATER BOB WOULD FIND OUT THAT A HAPPENING HAD HAPPENED at Merry's.

HOW THE HELL CAN a mother FORGET her FIRST BORN????

The other kids had been notified - EVEN THE OUT OF STATE ONES - that there would be a gathering at Merry's ... and Bob had to hear about it weeks - or months later AFTER THE FACT; when everyone was sitting around TALKING ABOUT IT!

Ditto for cribbage nights. Ralph couldn’t stand to lose to Bob – therefore, Bob was not invited.

Or golf days. Ralph could not stand to lose to Bob – therefore, Bob was not invited.

Or fishing days. Bob would have just gone to spend time with his father … but Ralph’s jealousies kept that from happening.

Ralph was always in attendance at family gatherings - but Bob was noticeably snubbed.

And Ralph LOVED TO RUB THAT SNUB IN.

How do you think that made Bob feel?

They remember him when it is convenient to remember him ... like racking up the "sorry for your loss" condolences.

IT’S MY FRICKING LOSS.

I KNEW BOB BETTER THAN ANYONE – certainly better than his family, who never took the time to get to know him. Or me. Or Stacey.

The whole thing PISSES ME OFF.

Like I said in my video earlier this week - when August 30th comes to an end, so will my ties to his family: I am already being phased out and out-voted ON IMPORTANT ISSUES – LIKE MY HUSBAND'S FUNERAL.

But Bob KNEW this would happen.

He knew that when he went Home, I would be set afloat ... and alone.

It is a sad commentary to Bob's life, that even in death, his mother and sister TOTALLY DISREGARD HIS WISHES - and they DISHONOR him with their bully tactics.

And the joyful celebration I had planned is already ruined with Alex's bitterness overload, July 4th, that led to his banishment; and now this passive-aggressive maneuver to have their own way, come hell or high water - ((((I)))) don't even feel like attending!

Maybe I won't.

Maybe I will go ahead of everyone - spend some peaceful time with my peacenik, rejoicing that he is now ... and will forever BE loved beyond measure in that Celestial City beyond the clouds; and remembering the love we shared and enjoyed 'til he took his last breath, before the family arrives - and leave before the family arrives.

Fuck it.

I'M D.O.N.E.

BRIGHTENING A DREARY DAY

The day started out feeling like a Fall day – cold, damp, and a low-lying-gray-clouded sky.

So, I decided to brighten the day up by drying colorful vegetables I had gleaned the other day:

Dehydrating veggies.

I had enough vegetables on hand to load every tray in the dryer ….

Green & Yellow Zucchini set to dry.

Yellow Zucchini & Red Onions.

Red Onions & Yellow Onions.

… and there is more in the ‘fridge to do the same tomorrow; different vegetables, but just a brightly hued ;-)

Today’s dehydration only took about 6 hours to complete:

The book says 5 to 10 hrs. drying time; it was done in 6 ;-)

Dried Onion's & Zucchini.

Dried veggies stored/labeled in jars: more will be added to fill the jars.

While the vegetables were dehydrating, I also de-iced the upright freezer: it collects water on the lower level and holds the pull-out basket hostage, so every once in awhile, I have to grab a butter knife, and work at “freeing it”. Today there was a more solid ice build-up than usual, and it had me a little concerned – but it eventually broke free. I think I’ll have to be more diligent in checking the situation.

I also outlined and cut out another 100 ct. Bazaar items tags; I’ll start re-tagging & re-stacking the remaining items in Cache Bin 1 tomorrow. My hands ached this afternoon, so I decided to give them a rest: hopefully they will feel better tomorrow. I need something to keep my mind off the building family hostility with Bob’s mother & sisters; and re-tagging Bazaar items “just in case” I decide to do the Bazaar Circuit this Fall/Winter will help with that, I think: it will keep me occupied for a few hours and will redirect my thoughts.

I am SO stressed right now with all the family drama Alex, and Bob’s mother and sisters, create; that I am seriously considering calling off the family gathering at the Cemetery in Eden Valley the end of this month, and just going there alone to lay Bob’s cremains among family members there.

And, right now, I don’t give a rat’s ass if the family gets pissed or not. I AM PISSED. I really don’t want to deal with any of them at this point … this whole thing is hard enough without their continual disrespectful interference and hidden landmines.

His family is really working my nerves.

And I am thinking that after August 30^th, I will never hear from any of them again.

I need to make other arrangements for check-up phone calls: Tiffany hasn’t really been calling to make sure I am okay (as agreed) – neither have the kids (as agreed): I mean, it's only A 5 MINUTE "how're you doing?" call! I could be seriously injured in a fall; or just die (I am at ‘that age’), and NO ONE would know about it … or care, because the Wednesday night calls aren’t happening. 

How’s that for the {"The family is here for you - we love you"} they all profess?

I never asked anyone for more than they could give - surely 5 minutes is not asking too much from my kids, or from Bob's siblings.

If I am phased out of the family, Bonnie won’t make sure my cremains join Bob’s in Eden Valley when that day arrives! I have to go back to Steele’s Chapel Funeral Home, and make sure they have it on their file that THEY are to TRANSPORT my cremains to Eden Valley Cemetery when it’s time to do that.

And, I suppose, I will have to remove Tiffany, Merry, and Alex from my ‘Emergency Contacts’; if I am phased out, THEY FOR SURE won’t want to be notified in any emergency I might have. Alex removed himself from my life July 4^th … and I am pretty sure the rest will follow after August 30^th. They don’t have anything to do with me NOW, unless I contact them first – and then it is awkward for everyone.

They don’t know what to do with me.

I am the frustrating jigsaw puzzle piece that no one wants to deal with.

So, while I ate one of my homemade pizzas for Supper, I pulled up some filed videos of the last overnight road-trip Bob and I did together last June, and listened to Bob’s voice – his voice always did relax and soothe me.

Hearing his voice again brightened up my dreary day :-D

I love you, Babe.

Always.

OX

ONE IS THE LONELINESS NUMBER

HAIRCUTS

Doug & Bob were the only guys I ever dated with short hair ... most of the guys I dated had hair long enough to sit on. Seriously.

I mention Doug, because Doug was the reason Bob and I met.

When we were dating, Bob's hair was not long - but it wasn't short either ;-)

And he grew it longer over the next 18 months - it got pretty long: and hot and heavy; Bob's hair was very thick.

He finally said, "Val, I can't stand it anymore - it has got to go." He cut it back, just before we headed out of Dodge on our Coors California Run. LOL!

1976. We were remodeling the house and made a Coors Beer run to California because it was not sold anywhere else except to Bars & Liquor Stores (we lived in Washington State) - if we wanted it, we had to go fetch it: we wanted it, so we went to fetch it. As soon as we pulled into our driveway, a block party took on a life of it's own; EVERYONE came. We had just gotten home, so we weren't spiffed up - you can tell that we had been on the road. LOL

Secretly, I WAS GLAD he finally cut it: long hair was dangerous in the woods. Guys who don't work can afford to live riskily: Bob couldn't. And I wanted him around a looong time - I wisely kept my mouth shut when he said he wanted to cut his hair.

And I thanked Elohim. Profusely.

The wedding ring, worn on his finger in the woods, was risk enough ...

This song always reminds me of those 18 months he tried to be the man he thought I wanted.

SILLY MAN!

It wasn't the hair that attracted me.

It was those Asian eyes - that pulled me in.

That slow, sexy smile - that made my knees buckle when he turned up the wattage.

That body - that I couldn't keep my hands off of!

The skin that glistened like sun-kissed liquid gold when he’d spent all day in the sun.

It was his heart - that pumped just for me :-D

It was his mind - that constantly thought of new ways to surprise & please me.

It was his soul - that I always knew was pure, true, and Godly ... even before he knew it himself.

It was ALL THAT AND MORE.

It was the essence of him.

His hair had very little to do with why I loved him ;-)

On another note about haircuts …

I picked up 2 half-priced coleus plants at Lowe’s this afternoon when I was downtown:

$5-EA ... but the real bargain was the hangers on the pots. LOL

After I got them home, I gave them a ‘haircut’, in hopes of reviving them and getting a few more weeks of life out of them; and hung them off the front porch railing, where they will get the sunshine they require:

Trimmed back foliage. Hopefully they will survive and thrive.

I relocated the hanging Orange Begonias (which used to hang off one of the railing hooks the coleus’ now hang from) to a better location for them – out of the blazing afternoon sunshine – after I noticed their leaves were getting burned …

Relocated Begonias.

I CAN’T LOVE YOU BACK …

After my garden walk-through/gleaning/& watering, earlier in the day … I decided to stretch my comfort zone a bit more, and revisited the 48^th dike trail for a solo walk.

This was the first time I have been back there since July of 2018.

It went better than anticipated.

And though the day got windy, it really was a very nice and pleasant hike.

I think I can do it again – with a bit more ease.

It is HARD rebuilding a fractured life.

It is hard to revisit those places we used to enjoy together, now, as a solo lobo.

But it is necessary.

Because I will never remarry.

I will never date.

And I am deliberately starting out my new life, by revisiting the places Bob & I used to go together, because I don’t want them to hamstring my heart; and cripple me emotionally:

I had stopped at the Boondox Market to grab a Vanilla Coke; and when I got back out to the car, a ray of sunlight highlighted several looooong scratches on the driver's door! WTH? There must have been a bit of gritty dirt on the side when I took it to the car wash this weekend at Les Schwab's. This is why Bob never used curb-side car washes - they don't hose the muck off before they start swishing the rags around. But, I HAVE to use them now. My poor car: now, it is the wounded carrying the wounded to and fro ... and it s only 2 years old: we bought it when we moved here, to Heron Pointe, because the carport is tight; and I was afraid I would back into a post with the truck (shown below): so we traded the truck in for this car. I suppose, on some level, the 'wounds' along the side of the car seems 'right' somehow - to match my wounded life. Neither will ever be perfect again :-(

This Toyota Tundra pickup truck was a LUXURY RIDE - it had ALL the bells and whistles; and we loved it. The color called to us when we drove by the dealership parking lot: we had a 1970's 'Cuda, exactly the same color ... and we loved that 'Cuda too ;-) So we drove into the dealership and bought it - trading Bob's 1996 2-tone Ford Diesel for it. We got top-dollar for the trade because Bob always took excellent care of his vehicles - and 2nd-hand diesel trucks, in top condition, are in high demand. In this picture, Bob is showing our granddaughter, Alyna, how the truck operates, because she was helping with the split-driving (divided into 3rd's); when we all drove down in Vegas to see her newborn baby brother in July of 2014. We drove straight through; from Washington to Vegas - and arrived in a little under 18 hours of straight driving. The truck was brand-new: we had only purchased it days before ... I am glad we "wasted money" on things that gave Bob pleasure. He worked hard, all his life, for what little retirement and social security monies he managed to secure. I am glad he got to enjoy HIS EARNINGS before his life ended.

Solo Dike Hike: stretching my comfort zone a little bit more ...

Great Blue Heron. Bob always liked seeing one.

I got too close ... and it flew to the other side of the slough.

Country setting along the dike ...

Ducks & slough pumping for garden watering.

BLESS YOU WITH LOVE …

I was up early this morning: 5:30 a.m.

As soon as possible (when it was safe to make noise in the neighborhood without pissing people off), I went outside to water my garden area.

There is a good reason I was not named Grace …

While I was in my garden area, I felt surrounded by Bob’s love.

And blessed to have had him in my life for 3/4^th’s of my life. Moving forward in my new life, using his last love gifts - designed & built specifically for me ... and perfect because he KNEW me SO WELL, blesses me even more:

Early morning gleanings ... it is sufficient for me: I am only 1 now.

2 Eggplants on the same stem. This plant is new to my garden - so it is a learning process. I think I will need 2 of these plants next year. And I will keep them under a makeshift "greenhouse" of sorts - this year was really COLD until last week; these need more warmth to do well ...

Ripening Roma's. I can't wait to sink my teeth into 1, as soon as they are ripe enough! This was a "compact" plant, because that is what I need here - I think I will plant an extra tomato plant next Spring to get the amount of tomatoes I need to get me from Spring to Spring.

Shallots maturing - now that I see they do well here, I will plant more next year. 

Sweet teeny-tiny tomatoes from the 'Sweet Pea Currant Tomato' plant. I need another one next year! These are adorable, and I will definitely need 1 more plant ;-)

The Orange blossomed Begonia finally blossomed. Normally, it is bushier, but I have been in a brain freeze since December 14th, 2018 ... and I didn't pay attention to my plants' needs this year ...

The Hyssop bush really took off when the sun came out of hiding! This plant is also new to my garden area this year. It is a perennial, in our temperate region.

A surprise! I was not expecting to see a 2nd blooming of this old-fashioned Cabbage Leaf Begonia. But I was pleased ;-)

The Mini-Carnations, Bob liked, are still blooming; despite my grieving neglect: I will have to be more attentive next year - this plant usually really pumps the little fragrant flowers out. But this year I have not been as 'on-top-of-things' as I usually am - and my plants are pouting ...

Geraniums: again, these flowers are usually very full and bushy. Next year they WILL BE again. I have had these plants for decades; I don't want to lose them because I came close to losing myself.

Harbinger of Fall ... 

Unless Elohim favors me with an 'Indian Summer' bounty, I am afraid my gardening efforts this year is a bust. Next Spring, though, I should be able to get back to gardening full-swing as usual. These Bell Pepper plants really needed a make-shift "greenhouse" over them during the wonky weather we had this year.

Vanilla Marigolds.

Jack-be-Little Pumpkins.

Russian Kale: NOT what I ordered >;-P I like Russian Kale ... and normally order it; but this year I wanted a compact plant, so I ordered Kalettes. THIS IS NOT what I ordered. I have noticed that most of my Territorial Seed Order was seriously screwed up - and nearly ALL of the transplant plants were diseased. I will not be ordering from them again.

THIS is what I ordered - it is a tight kale rosette growing on a brussel sprout-like-trunk. The Kale above, looks NOTHING like the 'Kalette' kale seeds I ordered (shown). And the seed wasn't cheap either!

After I came back in the house, I happened to glance out the window while eating lunch, and noticed that my bashful Lily had bloomed while I wasn't looking ;-) If Candy starts bitching about the "old container pots" - I just might haul off and deck her. This container pot belonged to Bob's Grandma Smalley - it was 1 of several, that Myrtle gave to me: and I still use them all ... and they are STILL holding up: they may not look pretty, BUT they get the job done - and they mean A LOT TO ME. Myrtle welcomed me into the family with love, telling me, "I like you; you are good for Bobby." I loved Myrtle like she was my own grandmother. I will ditch them when they crack and fall apart - NOT before: in my garden, I am surrounded by love. And Candy can go to hell, where she belongs.

I checked the seed catalog and the 'Jack-be-Little' seed advertisement is not matching the gleaned tiny, hard, pumpkins smirking at me from their perch on the kitchen island ...

I 'sized' these things by my hand: it fit perfectly into the PALM of my HAND! I measured my palm, and 3" by 3"is pretty small - Bob's hand was twice the size of mine; not sure how "edible" these things will actually be. I don't think this will be a repeat next year.

Heron Pointe is where I live … it is not my nirvana.

But it CAN BE – with Bob’s love gifts, my little sliver of homespun ‘Eden’ ;-)

I love you, Babe.

Always.

OX

NEW LIFE/NEW BUSINESS NAME

The end of this month will be the official beginning of my new life – the end of this month is when our life started unraveling … and we were never able to recoup it; for all their hype talk, the doctors couldn’t “fix” it.

And we were okay with that: we KNEW Bob was going Home: to that wonderful Celestial City beyond the clouds ...

We just never thought, before August 30th, 2018 - on his birthday, of ALL days! - he’d be making the journey alone.

Without me.

For 45 years we had done E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.T.O.G.E.T.H.E.R.

But now, I have been (since August 30th, 2018) – and in the future, will be, doing everything by myself.

December 14^th, 2018 just finalized that fact.

So …

I don’t know, yet, IF I will be doing the Bazaar Circuit alone this year; or not.

But, IF I decide to, I can’t sell me – or my designs – as “2Turtle Doves Designs” anymore: I am only 1 turtle dove now; my other half … the 2^nd turtle dove, now resides in Heaven.

Hence a new business Name Logo; and the need to make new item tags and re-tag everything in my cache bins:

Embarking towards a new business Name/Logo with new tags.

Making tags after the Jewish Hamsa Hand, with this blessing in mind: “Let no sadness come to this heart, Let no trouble come to theses arms, Let no conflict come to these eyes, Let my soul be filled with the blessing of joy & peace.”

The laying out ... and tagging of items in bin 1.

 One laptop has died - and I listened to music on the other, while I worked.

100 items tagged & back in the cache bin; at least another 100 (or more) to tag & store.

It is a long process … and a tedious undertaking.

But, it needs to be done.

I'm in a fight for my life.