Wedding Song - God Knew That I Needed You

Tuesday, August 6, 2019

I CAN’T LOVE YOU BACK …


After my garden walk-through/gleaning/& watering, earlier in the day … I decided to stretch my comfort zone a bit more, and revisited the 48th dike trail for a solo walk.

This was the first time I have been back there since July of 2018.

It went better than anticipated.

And though the day got windy, it really was a very nice and pleasant hike.

I think I can do it again – with a bit more ease.

It is HARD rebuilding a fractured life.

It is hard to revisit those places we used to enjoy together, now, as a solo lobo.

But it is necessary.

Because I will never remarry.

I will never date.

And I am deliberately starting out my new life, by revisiting the places Bob & I used to go together, because I don’t want them to hamstring my heart; and cripple me emotionally:

I had stopped at the Boondox Market to grab a Vanilla Coke; and when I got back out to the car, a ray of sunlight highlighted several looooong scratches on the driver's door! WTH? There must have been a bit of gritty dirt on the side when I took it to the car wash this weekend at Les Schwab's. This is why Bob never used curb-side car washes - they don't hose the muck off before they start swishing the rags around. But, I HAVE to use them now. My poor car: now, it is the wounded carrying the wounded to and fro ... and it s only 2 years old: we bought it when we moved here, to Heron Pointe, because the carport is tight; and I was afraid I would back into a post with the truck (shown below): so we traded the truck in for this car. I suppose, on some level, the 'wounds' along the side of the car seems 'right' somehow - to match my wounded life. Neither will ever be perfect again :-(
This Toyota Tundra pickup truck was a LUXURY RIDE - it had ALL the bells and whistles; and we loved it. The color called to us when we drove by the dealership parking lot: we had a 1970's 'Cuda, exactly the same color ... and we loved that 'Cuda too ;-) So we drove into the dealership and bought it - trading Bob's 1996 2-tone Ford Diesel for it. We got top-dollar for the trade because Bob always took excellent care of his vehicles - and 2nd-hand diesel trucks, in top condition, are in high demand. In this picture, Bob is showing our granddaughter, Alyna, how the truck operates, because she was helping with the split-driving (divided into 3rd's); when we all drove down in Vegas to see her newborn baby brother in July of 2014. We drove straight through; from Washington to Vegas - and arrived in a little under 18 hours of straight driving. The truck was brand-new: we had only purchased it days before ... I am glad we "wasted money" on things that gave Bob pleasure. He worked hard, all his life, for what little retirement and social security monies he managed to secure. I am glad he got to enjoy HIS EARNINGS before his life ended.
Solo Dike Hike: stretching my comfort zone a little bit more ...
Great Blue Heron. Bob always liked seeing one.
I got too close ... and it flew to the other side of the slough.
Country setting along the dike ...
Ducks & slough pumping for garden watering.

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