I CAN’T LOVE YOU BACK …

After my garden walk-through/gleaning/& watering, earlier in the day … I decided to stretch my comfort zone a bit more, and revisited the 48^th dike trail for a solo walk.

This was the first time I have been back there since July of 2018.

It went better than anticipated.

And though the day got windy, it really was a very nice and pleasant hike.

I think I can do it again – with a bit more ease.

It is HARD rebuilding a fractured life.

It is hard to revisit those places we used to enjoy together, now, as a solo lobo.

But it is necessary.

Because I will never remarry.

I will never date.

And I am deliberately starting out my new life, by revisiting the places Bob & I used to go together, because I don’t want them to hamstring my heart; and cripple me emotionally:

I had stopped at the Boondox Market to grab a Vanilla Coke; and when I got back out to the car, a ray of sunlight highlighted several looooong scratches on the driver's door! WTH? There must have been a bit of gritty dirt on the side when I took it to the car wash this weekend at Les Schwab's. This is why Bob never used curb-side car washes - they don't hose the muck off before they start swishing the rags around. But, I HAVE to use them now. My poor car: now, it is the wounded carrying the wounded to and fro ... and it s only 2 years old: we bought it when we moved here, to Heron Pointe, because the carport is tight; and I was afraid I would back into a post with the truck (shown below): so we traded the truck in for this car. I suppose, on some level, the 'wounds' along the side of the car seems 'right' somehow - to match my wounded life. Neither will ever be perfect again :-(

This Toyota Tundra pickup truck was a LUXURY RIDE - it had ALL the bells and whistles; and we loved it. The color called to us when we drove by the dealership parking lot: we had a 1970's 'Cuda, exactly the same color ... and we loved that 'Cuda too ;-) So we drove into the dealership and bought it - trading Bob's 1996 2-tone Ford Diesel for it. We got top-dollar for the trade because Bob always took excellent care of his vehicles - and 2nd-hand diesel trucks, in top condition, are in high demand. In this picture, Bob is showing our granddaughter, Alyna, how the truck operates, because she was helping with the split-driving (divided into 3rd's); when we all drove down in Vegas to see her newborn baby brother in July of 2014. We drove straight through; from Washington to Vegas - and arrived in a little under 18 hours of straight driving. The truck was brand-new: we had only purchased it days before ... I am glad we "wasted money" on things that gave Bob pleasure. He worked hard, all his life, for what little retirement and social security monies he managed to secure. I am glad he got to enjoy HIS EARNINGS before his life ended.

Solo Dike Hike: stretching my comfort zone a little bit more ...

Great Blue Heron. Bob always liked seeing one.

I got too close ... and it flew to the other side of the slough.

Country setting along the dike ...

Ducks & slough pumping for garden watering.

BLESS YOU WITH LOVE …

I was up early this morning: 5:30 a.m.

As soon as possible (when it was safe to make noise in the neighborhood without pissing people off), I went outside to water my garden area.

There is a good reason I was not named Grace …

While I was in my garden area, I felt surrounded by Bob’s love.

And blessed to have had him in my life for 3/4^th’s of my life. Moving forward in my new life, using his last love gifts - designed & built specifically for me ... and perfect because he KNEW me SO WELL, blesses me even more:

Early morning gleanings ... it is sufficient for me: I am only 1 now.

2 Eggplants on the same stem. This plant is new to my garden - so it is a learning process. I think I will need 2 of these plants next year. And I will keep them under a makeshift "greenhouse" of sorts - this year was really COLD until last week; these need more warmth to do well ...

Ripening Roma's. I can't wait to sink my teeth into 1, as soon as they are ripe enough! This was a "compact" plant, because that is what I need here - I think I will plant an extra tomato plant next Spring to get the amount of tomatoes I need to get me from Spring to Spring.

Shallots maturing - now that I see they do well here, I will plant more next year. 

Sweet teeny-tiny tomatoes from the 'Sweet Pea Currant Tomato' plant. I need another one next year! These are adorable, and I will definitely need 1 more plant ;-)

The Orange blossomed Begonia finally blossomed. Normally, it is bushier, but I have been in a brain freeze since December 14th, 2018 ... and I didn't pay attention to my plants' needs this year ...

The Hyssop bush really took off when the sun came out of hiding! This plant is also new to my garden area this year. It is a perennial, in our temperate region.

A surprise! I was not expecting to see a 2nd blooming of this old-fashioned Cabbage Leaf Begonia. But I was pleased ;-)

The Mini-Carnations, Bob liked, are still blooming; despite my grieving neglect: I will have to be more attentive next year - this plant usually really pumps the little fragrant flowers out. But this year I have not been as 'on-top-of-things' as I usually am - and my plants are pouting ...

Geraniums: again, these flowers are usually very full and bushy. Next year they WILL BE again. I have had these plants for decades; I don't want to lose them because I came close to losing myself.

Harbinger of Fall ... 

Unless Elohim favors me with an 'Indian Summer' bounty, I am afraid my gardening efforts this year is a bust. Next Spring, though, I should be able to get back to gardening full-swing as usual. These Bell Pepper plants really needed a make-shift "greenhouse" over them during the wonky weather we had this year.

Vanilla Marigolds.

Jack-be-Little Pumpkins.

Russian Kale: NOT what I ordered >;-P I like Russian Kale ... and normally order it; but this year I wanted a compact plant, so I ordered Kalettes. THIS IS NOT what I ordered. I have noticed that most of my Territorial Seed Order was seriously screwed up - and nearly ALL of the transplant plants were diseased. I will not be ordering from them again.

THIS is what I ordered - it is a tight kale rosette growing on a brussel sprout-like-trunk. The Kale above, looks NOTHING like the 'Kalette' kale seeds I ordered (shown). And the seed wasn't cheap either!

After I came back in the house, I happened to glance out the window while eating lunch, and noticed that my bashful Lily had bloomed while I wasn't looking ;-) If Candy starts bitching about the "old container pots" - I just might haul off and deck her. This container pot belonged to Bob's Grandma Smalley - it was 1 of several, that Myrtle gave to me: and I still use them all ... and they are STILL holding up: they may not look pretty, BUT they get the job done - and they mean A LOT TO ME. Myrtle welcomed me into the family with love, telling me, "I like you; you are good for Bobby." I loved Myrtle like she was my own grandmother. I will ditch them when they crack and fall apart - NOT before: in my garden, I am surrounded by love. And Candy can go to hell, where she belongs.

I checked the seed catalog and the 'Jack-be-Little' seed advertisement is not matching the gleaned tiny, hard, pumpkins smirking at me from their perch on the kitchen island ...

I 'sized' these things by my hand: it fit perfectly into the PALM of my HAND! I measured my palm, and 3" by 3"is pretty small - Bob's hand was twice the size of mine; not sure how "edible" these things will actually be. I don't think this will be a repeat next year.

Heron Pointe is where I live … it is not my nirvana.

But it CAN BE – with Bob’s love gifts, my little sliver of homespun ‘Eden’ ;-)

I love you, Babe.

Always.

OX

NEW LIFE/NEW BUSINESS NAME

The end of this month will be the official beginning of my new life – the end of this month is when our life started unraveling … and we were never able to recoup it; for all their hype talk, the doctors couldn’t “fix” it.

And we were okay with that: we KNEW Bob was going Home: to that wonderful Celestial City beyond the clouds ...

We just never thought, before August 30th, 2018 - on his birthday, of ALL days! - he’d be making the journey alone.

Without me.

For 45 years we had done E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.T.O.G.E.T.H.E.R.

But now, I have been (since August 30th, 2018) – and in the future, will be, doing everything by myself.

December 14^th, 2018 just finalized that fact.

So …

I don’t know, yet, IF I will be doing the Bazaar Circuit alone this year; or not.

But, IF I decide to, I can’t sell me – or my designs – as “2Turtle Doves Designs” anymore: I am only 1 turtle dove now; my other half … the 2^nd turtle dove, now resides in Heaven.

Hence a new business Name Logo; and the need to make new item tags and re-tag everything in my cache bins:

Embarking towards a new business Name/Logo with new tags.

Making tags after the Jewish Hamsa Hand, with this blessing in mind: “Let no sadness come to this heart, Let no trouble come to theses arms, Let no conflict come to these eyes, Let my soul be filled with the blessing of joy & peace.”

The laying out ... and tagging of items in bin 1.

 One laptop has died - and I listened to music on the other, while I worked.

100 items tagged & back in the cache bin; at least another 100 (or more) to tag & store.

It is a long process … and a tedious undertaking.

But, it needs to be done.

I'm in a fight for my life.

CALLING ON THE DEAD?

I will, on occasion, slip from talking ABOUT Bob – to talking TO Bob.

To me, this is my new ‘norm’.

And I am okay with that: I believe there is Biblical basis to back me up on this.

After all, I OPENLY TALK TO ELOHEI – at home, or in public – and I am perfectly comfortable TALKING TO THE LIVING: Elohei is a live person … and so is Bob; though NEITHER RESIDE IN A PHYSICAL BODY. They are as alive as you and I are – but on a different plane of existence.

ON THE SAME NOTE … I will say that when Christians {channel} a dead person, THAT IS TABOO.

I knew a woman, a decade ago, whose mother had died, and she actively sought to communicate with her dead mother through a form of spiritism. That is NOT okay for Christians to do!

Christians are not to consult the dead, for anything, on behalf of the living.

Not only is it forbidden … it is futile activity. Efforts to communicate with the dead for wisdom and guidance are useless – the dead cannot inform the living about anything that is happening in the here-and-now; the dead have NO knowledge of everyday life for the living (Ecclesiastes 9:5-6).

Isaiah 63:16 tells us plainly that, even those seated in Heavenly high places, are unaware of earthly activity, and therefore, is unable to assist humans.

There is a very fine line between what is acceptable – and what is NOT acceptable – to Christians.

I may, on occasion, feel Bob’s spirit hovering on the perimeter of my new life; but I do NOT ACTIVELY INVITE him to breach that perimeter. That would be wrong on every level. And it would invoke activity that would not be wholesome, or holy.

When I lapse into speaking to Bob, I am thanking him for being a part of my life – I am not asking him to guide me in my new life without him. I am not asking him to send me a sign that he is interfering with my life – good or bad: as a Christian, SEEKING SIGNS IS FORBIDDEN.

IF Elohim WANTS TO FAVOR me WITH a feather, or the presence of a dragonfly the color of Bob’s eyes … I will appreciate that. AND THANK HIM … not Bob. It is right to thank Elohim for His gifts: it is NOT okay to give that glory (credit) to Bob.

Though the dead CAN SEE US, and HEAR US, their lives are no longer concerned about the things that concern us – THEY ARE BEYOND THOSE THINGS now. And they have no power, whatsoever, to help us with anything.

We may feel comforted by knowing that “we have a host of witnesses around us” (Hebrews 12:1) … BUT, that is as far as we can take things with them. We CAN BE ENCOURAGED by Elohim’s FAITHFULNESS TO REWARD THEM WITH THE PRIZE OF LIFE, which is our hope also; but that encouragement is to MOVE US BOLDLY THROUGH OUR LIFE HERE with the knowledge that if we run the race well, we too, will be favored with eternal life and joy unspeakable.

And, we are encouraged to behave as though those who passed into eternity are still in sight – cheering us on to the same victory of The Faith – inspiring us by their examples set before us while they were yet still walking among us. They are bearing witness to the life of faith we are living’

Christians MUST RELY SOLELY ON Elohei for guidance, and wisdom.

Spouses, parents, and grandparents that have passed on can no longer help us.

ONLY YESHUA CAN HELP US: and He is WHO we should be seeking guidance and wisdom from.

BLUEBERRY PICKING TIME IN OREGON

This morning, I went blueberry picking with Cheryl & Mike – we had been talking about it for a few months; Cheryl called yesterday afternoon, but I was making homemade pizzas, so I couldn’t do it yesterday (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/08/homemade-traditional-pepperoni-pizza.html): but this morning was a good time.

And we had a good time ;-)

They had told me the bushes were huge … and that there were tunnels through them, BUT I WAS UNPREPARED for what I saw when we arrived – the “bushes” were giant TREES:

Poysky Farm in Clatskanie, Oregon.

WOW! These bushes are TREES! Cheryl is a fairly tall woman, and you can see how the “bushes” dwarf her …

And those trees were LOADED with berries – I have never seen anything like this!

Blueberry trees loaded with fat, juicy berries.

As we walked to the outer limits of the berry patch, where they always go to pick when they come to the Farm; the tunneling burrows were clear to see. The burrowing tunnels are actually the original pathways plotted 50 years ago, that the towering bushes arch over, and intertwine through the patch:

Dark, sun-deprived tunnels stood out among the towering berry trees. The “bushes” had outgrown the bush description decades ago.

Pathways intertwined among the overgrowth.

Mike joked that because I am so short, it would be easy for me to fit under the arching limbs to pick berries – whereas he and Cheryl are taller than I am, and would feel the squeeze of the spreading limbs while they picked: and it was true. LOL

Even so, at 5’2”, it was a stretch for me to pick overhead berries too far up (that’s how TALL these “bushes” are: they literally towered overhead) – and I was occasionally run out of the burrowing tunnels by territorial wasps: so, I left that area, and moved on down the line. Being stung would lead to certain death, so I didn’t fight them for the berries – there were PLENTY more elsewhere …

To me, the berry clusters resemble grape clusters, in their fullness of berries.

Most of the berries were HUGE. And tasty, too.

I had my container filled quickly – I gathered 9 pounds of berries; so I helped them fill their containers, too:

Cheryl & Mike picking along the outer edge of the berry patch.

When we got back to our own State, and they dropped me off at home, I drove to Industrial Way to have my car washed at the curbside car wash I noticed going on at Les Schwab’s Tire Center, when we passed it ….

My car was SO filthy with road grime & gravel road dust, that it was ridiculous: now it shines ;-)

Then, I came back home; washed my berries and divided them among 3 large Gallon sized freezer baggies before popping them in the freezer. Those little tidbits of Summer goodness, are gonna be mighty welcome – and tasty – in muffins and cobblers this Winter ;-)

And I am thankful for good and faithful friends; I am blessed to have Cheryl & Mike in my life. Cheryl was my SIL for 12 years before Bob’s brother Ralph went off the rails; and she divorced him – later, marrying Mike. We always loved Cheryl, and felt she got a raw deal from {the family} who rallied around Ralph, who should have been kicked to the curb for what he did to her. Bob came to like Mike; and we often spent time together: we had actually been to their home to visit with them, just weeks before Bob went into ER in August 2018. When Mike & Cheryl found out about that, they immediately came alongside us during those difficult and hard months … and they never left me alone since … even though I had requested to be left alone following his physical death - it was unbearable for me to be around living people - listening to their prattle; and having to host them in some regard: but, they knew I would eventually need them.

And I did.

And to be honest; Bob's sister, Bonnie, immediately stepped in to help me pull Bob's funeral arrangements together. And his sister, Merry - and his brother Kerry, DID help me in those first months of severe grieving. BUT, I always felt like they were awkward around me. And they NEVER, at any time in 44 years, initiated reaching out: if I didn't contact them ... I did not hear from them. Even now. They never call to see how I am doing, or ask if I need help with anything. They never unconditionally loved me before Bob left for heaven - and they don't unconditionally love me now.

Bob's family never thought of me: they don't think of me now. After August, I will be persona non grata, as far as they are concerned.

Cheryl called every day - and most of those calls was her just letting me know she was there for me: even if all I did during those calls, was cry. Endlessly.

Mike helped in doing ... and helping me to understand ... what needed to be done when "man stuff" {need to know} went right over my head.

I was pretty needy for months.

And they stuck.

And they still call - and INCLUDE ME IN THEIR LIFE.

They are STILL sticking.

Elohim IS good :-D

Not only did he give me friends – He gave me BEST FRIENDS. I am blessed beyond measure.

I pray I am worthy of such friendship; and that I can be/am such a friend to them.

HOMEMADE TRADITIONAL PEPPERONI PIZZA Recipe

Homemade Pepperoni pizzas put together & ready to be prepped for the freezer.

I don’t eat a lot of pizza … pizza was always Bob’s thing – I just went along with it. LOL

But, when I do get an urge to bite into pizza, this is the recipe I dig for ;-)

This pizza recipe comes from my November 1984 ‘Cuisine’ cooking magazine – it is my all-time favorite pizza recipe.

Bob loved my homemade pizzas :-D

And I have been hungering for it myself … so, I decided to spend all day in the kitchen today making homemade Pepperoni Pizzas to freeze:

Pepperoni Pizzas packaged, labeled, and headed for the freezer for future meals.

This recipe makes dough and sauce for one 12-inch regular pizza.

I am a lazy cook, so I added everything I wanted on my pizza (chopped green peppers & chopped mushrooms) – except the pepperoni and cheeses – to the sauce; it works best this way, for me ;-)

Since there is only one of me – and I am determined to scale back on how much my petite frame can comfortably and reasonably carry – I divided the dough into 4 pieces, for 4 individual pizzas. While I lose weight, I STILL LIKE TO EAT more than puffed rice crackers ;-)

HOMEMADE TRADITIONAL PEPPERONI PIZZA

==DOUGH: 1 teaspoon active dry Yeast * 2/3 cup warm Water (105 to 115-degrees) * 2 Tablespoons Olive Oil * ¾ teaspoon coarse Salt * 1-1/2 to 1-3/4 cups Flour * Vegetable Oil for bowl * Flour for dusting hands

Dissolve the yeast in the water, in a medium bowl; let stand 5 minutes.

Stir oil, salt, and 1-1/2 cups of the flour into the yeast mixture to form a rough dough. Turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface – and knead for about 4 minutes; adding flour if necessary, to make a soft, slightly sticky dough.

Lightly oil a large bowl & place dough in the bowl, turning to coat on all sides. Let rise, covered tightly in plastic wrap, in a warm, in a draft-free place until tripled in bulk – about 3 to 4 hours.

Punch dough down. Roll out on a lightly floured surface with a floured rolling pin to a 12-inch circle, or shape into circles in round foil pans as shown, as follows: lightly flour hands front and back, and place dough in pan – gently pulling dough into a circle front the center out to the edges of the pan. If dough is too sticky, lightly dust hands gain and continue shaping: do not allow center to become too thin.

==TOMATO SAUCE: 2 Tablespoons Olive Oil * 2/3 cups sliced Onion * 1 teaspoon minced garlic * 1/8 teaspoon (or to taste) crushed Red Pepper * Large pinch of Sugar * 1 can (28-ounces) Tomatoes, drained and chopped * ½ cup dry White Wine * 2 teaspoons Tomato Paste * 2 Tablespoons chopped fresh basil * ½ teaspoon coarse Salt

Heat oil in a medium saucepan over high heat until rippling. Add onion, garlic, red pepper, & sugar; sauté, stirring constantly – 30 seconds. Add tomatoes & wine; reduce heat to medium. Cook, covered, 7 to 8 minutes. Stir in tomato paste; cook uncovered, stirring occasionally, until thickened – about 25 minutes. Remove from heat; stir in basil and salt.

==PEPPERONI PIZZA: Basic Pizza Dough * Tomato sauce * 1 Tablespoon Olive Oil, plus additional for pan * Cornmeal for pan (optional) * 2 Tablespoons unsalted Butter * ½ teaspoon Garlic * 4 ounces fresh mushrooms, sliced (about 1-1/2 cups) * 1/3 cup thinly sliced Pepperoni * ¾ cup grated Mozzarella cheese * 4 Tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese * Coarse Salt * Fresh ground Black pepper * 1 tablespoon chopped fresh Parsley

Prepare Basic Pizza Dough as instructed; and set to rise.

Make Tomato Sauce:

Heat oven to 500-degrees. Oil a 12-inch pizza pan and sprinkle with cornmeal, if desired.

Melt butter in a heavy medium skillet over high heat – when foam subsides, add garlic; sauté, stirring constantly – 30 seconds. Transfer to a small bowl.

When dough has risen, complete the dough instructions.

Place dough in prepared pan; brush surface with 1 Tablespoon oil; spoon sauce evenly over the surface of the dough – leaving a 1-inch border. Arrange mushrooms and pepperoni over sauce. Sprinkle with cheeses, parsley, and salt & pepper to taste.

Bake until crust is golden brown – 15 to 18 minutes. Serve immediately.

**IF MAKING AHEAD IN ROUND FOIL PANS TO FREEZE – prepare foil pans while dough is rising:

Lining the round foil baking pans. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO THIS - I do it because I am frugal and will use the pans over and over again.

Stacked pans: lined & ready to fill.

Prepare dough as instructed above – divide into 4 portions …

Pizza dough divided into fourths.

… shape, and par-bake at 450-degrees, for 4 to 5 minutes: just until dough is puffed and surface appears dry:

Pizza dough rounds formed with a lip.

Pizza crusts par-baking.

Let crust cool to room temperature, then top with sauce, cheeses, and topping of choice …

Par-baked pizza crusts cooling.

Mozzarella & Parmesan cheeses blended.

Pepperoni pizzas put together & ready to be prepped for the freezer.

TO AVOID FREEZER BURN: double wrap the prepared pizzas – either 2 layers of plastic wrap … or 1 layer of plastic wrap, and 1 layer of foil. Lay pizzas flat in the freezer and store for up to 2 months:

Pepperoni Pizzas packaged, labeled, and headed for the freezer for future meals.

TO BAKE FROZEN PIZZAS: Preheat oven to 500-degrees. Place frozen pizza on a lined sheet pan or pizza stone, and bake until crust is golden, and cheese is melted – about 10 minutes.**

TO WHERE YOU ARE - FOREVER LOVE

Forever Love

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FK9SQi_TRI)