A WIDOW'S SHABBAT

I am not a religious person, BUT I DO observe specific Shabbat things – not everything that is traditionally observed by Jews globally; because as I already stated, I am not a religious person. I do make Challah and eat it with Honey Butter … and I drink 1 goblet of wine at sunset Fridays, and 1 goblet of wine at sunset on Saturdays. I haven’t been able to do the candle lighting yet; and I haven't been able to put on Shabbat music either – I have the music, and the pretty brass Shabbat Candle Holder, but it is too painful to do by myself at this time (the Sabbath was something Bob & I did together for decades after he became a Messianic Christian, with me). Maybe later on I can do those things again with gladness.

The Father knows my heart; He understands that healing takes time … 

Wine is a very beneficial Biblical drink that can help the healing process when drank in the right way: with self-discipline. The Psalmist sang, "Thou dost cause grass to grow for the cattle and plants for men to cultivate that he may bring forth food from the earth and wine to gladden the heart of man, oil to make his face shine, and bread to strengthen man's heart (Psalm 104:14-15).

And “A merry heart does good, like medicine; but a broken spirit dries the bones.” (Proverbs 17:22).

Sampling fruit of the vine as perfectly acceptable for a Christian ;-) Drinking wine is okay - drunkenness is the sin.

But I don’t get all ‘traditional’ on the Sabbath, because I don’t want to get caught up in a religious ritual that Yeshua came to abolish. The rabbis attached too many things to what was Elohim’s original Shabbat Plan.

So I keep things light and simple, while still being faithful to do as Elohei commanded.

I am a Messianic Jew … but, I am also a Christian: the 2 are intertwined as Yeshua exampled, and commanded.

While Shabbat occurs on Friday evening and through to Saturday evening, it is more than simply another day of the week. It is a special day and we invest it with specialness. Friday and Saturday come automatically, but Shabbat takes place only when we make it happen. We prepare for Shabbat by the clothes we wear, by the meals we eat, by the lighting of Sabbath candles, and by blessing the wine to set apart at this special time.

We are in the presence of a King on Shabbat. And we welcome His heavenly ambassadors too.

I chose 2 specific wines: 1 dark and rich; the other light and mellow. This month I chose 2 wine flavors Bob liked; because though my mind was on Elohei and the goodness I have been blessed with, as you can in the picture - I kept a bit of Bob with me this Shabbat:

1 goblet of  Blackberry wine at the beginning of the Sabbath – Kiddush: sanctification

And 1 goblet of Strawberry wine at the end of the Sabbath – Havdalah: separation. I like the pretty blue & white 3-braid havdalah candle burning too, but those candles are not available locally - and I don't do city driving.

Rest, worship and study are essential elements of Shabbat observance. The principle of Shabbat is to sanctify time. The whole of Shabbat is greater than the sum of its parts. It is more than lighting candles, drinking wine, or attending a service. We sanctify Shabbat by setting it apart, making it distinctive, and differentiating it from the rest of our week: "Six days a week we live under the tyranny of things of space; on the Sabbath we try to become attuned to holiness in time."

THE WOMAN BEFORE ME

People reading my Blog probably think Bob and I had a perfect marriage the way I talk about our union: and we did for the past 43 years.

But we had actually separated before our 1^st Anniversary.

Bob & I were married 11 months when I packed everything I owned and walked out the door with our infant daughter.

I was tired of living with Gloria's shadow.

Both of us were people with baggage when we came together.

But Bob's 1st marriage was the most damaging obstacle to overcome: the 7 destructive years he was married to her ... and the 14 months that previous 7 years was souring our relationship.

I couldn't take any more.

So I left.

Knowing he wouldn't follow.

He had told me that early on in our marriage: "If you leave, I won't chase after you."

I KNEW what Gloria had put him through for 7 years before me.

I knew he meant what he said.

But I meant what I said too: I was not going to live with her shadow anymore.

It was bad enough that when their son came to visit every weekend, I had to hear him parrot what she told him before dropping him off (or we picked him up) on Fridays.

Alex eventually went home Sunday afternoon.

Gloria's shadow hung around 24/7/365.

She DID A LOT OF DAMAGE in 7 years time.

So, that July night, when I called my stepfather to come and get my daughter and me - and I threw all our belongings in the back of the pickup: I knew it was over.

He wasn't going to chase after me.

And that was okay with me.

I was pretty steamed up.

A week passed.

I got a job and went to work.

I had a baby to take care of.

On my own.

He wasn't going to chase after me.

9 days later there was a knock on my parent's back door.

And there stood Bob.

With flowers, and his heart on his sleeve.

"I love you, Val. Please come home."

I wanted to run into his arms and never leave again.

But, I needed to know.

"Is the shadow gone?"

"Yes. You taught me to love, Val. And I came chasing after you. Please come home."

What could I do?

I went and got our daughter, and Bob collected all our stuff and threw it in the back of his pickup; and we went home.

And the woman before me never cast her crazy shadow in our life again.

The following 43 years would be as near perfect as humanly possible ;-)

We had a good marriage because we determined to have a good marriage.

Good marriages don’t “just happen”: they take work, upkeep, and maintenance.

And love.

Love is the foundation.

Bob & I gave each other a LOT of love :-D

THE OLD GRAY COW - WIDOWHOOD

Widowhood changes everything.

Identity.

Purpose.

Passions.

Interests.

Outlook on life in general.

These things change because the journey, on which they piggybacked has significantly changed.

Who I was before 1:30 p.m. on August 30^th, 2018 has changed: I am Bob’s wife … and yet I am not.

By 8:05 a.m., December 14^th, 2018, my old life was drastically altered, and my new status became “Widow”.

Being labeled as such is so demeaning – the very term implies that I am a non-person.

And because I am a non-person, my purpose has been severely altered.

Where I was once vibrantly important to someone for a specific purpose … I have now been shelved and put out to pasture.

I have become the old gray cow no body really gives a damn about.

Everyone can SEE that I am still in the picture, but I serve no real purpose anymore.

I can still enjoy the green grass I am allotted to munch on; but that’s about as far as anyone is concerned for me.

There is no one caring if I come home – or not – at the end of the day.

There is no voice calling to me (they assured me that they would – but those appointed calling times come and go with NO call); and no one is sending the dogs to look for me.

Basically, I have been forgotten in the everyday busyness of their lives; I am the puzzle piece no one wants to fuss with.

When I went from wife to widow with my husband’s last expelled breath, my position in this life was simultaneously shifted from family matriarch to persona non grata.

It is an adjustment.

I don’t feel like an old gray cow.

And I don’t much care for the green pastures of my new life either, where I can wander to my heart’s content – but no one on Earth cares if I live or die.

No one.

It is an adjustment.

My passions have changed significantly too.

I am no longer interested in the things that used to interest me.

Those passions no longer matter since Bob is no longer here to share one passion in particular, or any other passion in general … and the kids/grandkids’ noninterest in me have made the extending passions obsolete.

Who knew I’d become the old woman no one could find time for – in the blink of an eye?

So.

I have learned to stop making other people comfortable; if they want to continue being disrespectful to me, and continue dishonoring their father by the way they disregard me, I have stopped chasing after them.

I have decided to lazily graze – while meeting each new life challenge that inevitably crosses my path, like a snake in the grass.

And mid-cud-chew, glance up at the blue sky longingly because I know Bob is up there watching me and smiling with pride and unconditional love for me, at all that I have accomplished on my own since he left my side.

HE told me he had faith in me that I would overcome whatever obstacles I would face when he was physically gone. I draw on those comforting and empowering words when the blue skies seem heavy with gray clouds, and the green pasture seems so frighteningly vast and overwhelmingly lonely.

Whether future new passions will spring to life and snag future interests is not even a concern to me right now.

I can’t think that far ahead – widow’s fog has made all thoughts of the future a little sketchy in the here-&-present.

With so much time on my hands, and nothing to do but contemplate so much more time on my hands; aimlessly wandering in the green grass pasture, I have joined the NFG Club (does that count as a passion?).

I am learning, after 44 years of constant companionship, how to solo ... and pray that I can dodge the thunderbolts when my defenses are down.

It is exhausting to be on guard all the time.

Outlook in general, concerning me and my life in the present, does in some ways resemble the old gray cow scenario.

I am a senior woman; became a bona fide early-retired Senior Citizen fifteen days after I became a Widow. ANY THOUGHTS of going back into the work force arena while dealing with my husband’s absence in my life couldn’t even be entertained seriously: I could barely think straight. There was no way I could punch a work schedule time clock without pissing everyone around me off with my constant brain freezes. Add to that concept that I had not worked outside the home in decades – WHO, in their right mind – would hire a 62 year old with limited work experience AND Widow’s Fog disability?

Yes! Widow’s Fog IS a REAL disability. It randomly attacks you without warning and renders you helpless. It is nearly impossible to function when it holds you captive in its unrelenting grip. You can’t think. You can’t move. Your sensory receptors have been disabled. Your emotions are all over the place – it is worse than menopausal upheaval! Seriously.

So, this is my new life.

It is an adjustment.

It is confusing – if everyone else is confused, I wish they would consider how confusing it is to ME; and try a little tender and compassionate patience with me.

Of course, everyone else is not Bob (who was always a tender, compassionate, empathetic, and patient person): and THAT is the issue.

It is a bit unsetting: for everyone.

It is unavoidable; specifically, for me.

I lost the most.

I lost everything.

There are good days – but mostly, there are bad days that stretch into the far horizon, without end.

Standing, gray-haired (ALL that gray in my hair came in after Bob’s graduation) in a green pasture (people tell me it is green – to me it appears colorless), looking at life through doleful eyes (the sparkle went out of my eyes when the sparkle went out of Bob’s), chewing my cud (looking thoughtful; but really just passing time), with barely enough energy to switch my tail.

A Life Experience I wish could have avoided.

Everything changed with my husband’s last expelled breath; and my push from life as I knew it when I was "Wife", into the space I now occupy as "Widow".

E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

Widowhood changes everything.

JUST BEFORE DAWN

The loneliest time.

Just before dawn.

Eyes awake.

Mind rerunning memory clips.

Body restless.

Mind rethinking the past days’ events.

Mind reroutes and starts going down rabbit trails …

Who am I? Where do I stand solo? What is my solo purpose? How do I move forward solo and still feel like a whole? Why, why, why???

The thoughts never stop.

A widow finds herself on an emotional roller-coaster ride in the wee hours of early mornings, just before dawn, when the rest of the world is still blissfully asleep; and unaware of how quickly change happens and time – as they know it – can come to a screeching halt.

Reining thoughts in.

Glancing at the clock.

Why is father time creeping so slowly?

And mother nature is so very quiet.

Everything seems out of control: everything is forever changed.

Watching the clock.

Ears straining.

Hallelujah!

It is time to get up and get busy.

Doing what? Where?

It doesn’t matter!

I just NEED to BE busy.

Busyness has become my closest friend now.

1st CORINTHIANS ~Chapter 7

Now, concerning the things you asked me about in your letter, let me say: it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of the temptation of impurity, it is better that each man have a wife of his own, and each woman a husband of her own. The husband should give to his wife he conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have sole authority over her own person, for she is joined to her husband. And, similarly, the husband is not sole master of his own body, for he is joined to his wife.

Do not deny each other, unless perhaps you do so for a time, by mutual consent, so that you may better devote yourselves to fasting and prayer. After that, come together again as before so that Lucifer may not tempt you when you are weak.

I am giving this advice, not as a command, but rather as a concession. I would rather that everyone were single like myself; but that cannot be, for each one has his own nature from Elohei – one to live this way and another in that way.

I would like to say to the unmarried and to the widows that it would be well for them to remain single, as I am. But if they do not have self-control, then they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passionate desire.

My command – or rather, Adonai Yeshua’s command – to the married is that a wife should not leave her husband. But if she has separated from him, she must either remain single or be reconciled to her husband. And the husband must not divorce his wife.

The advice I now give to other people is not Adonai Yeshua’s command, but my own opinion: If a believer has a wife who is not a believer but is willing to live with him, he should not leave her. And if a woman has an unbelieving husband who consents to live with her, she should not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is, so to speak, sanctified by the believing wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the believing husband. Otherwise the children would be born unclean, whereas now they are holy.

If the unbelieving partner wants a separation, let it be granted. In such a case the brother or sister is not bound. For after all, O wife, how do you know whether or not you can save your husband? And, O husband, how do you know if you can save your wife?

I would add this – that each one should fill the place that Elohim has assigned to them to which Adonai has called them. This is the rule I lay down for all the churches.

Suppose now, that a man at the time of his call was already circumcised. He should not try to remove the marks of circumcision. Or, if uncircumcised at the time of his call, he should not be circumcised. Neither circumcision nor uncircumcision now counts for anything, but what counts is keeping Elohim’s commandments.

Everyone should continue in the station in which he was called. Were you a slave when called? Don’t let that bother you. Still, if you can gain your freedom, make good use of your opportunity. When a slave is called to serve Adonai Yeshua, he becomes Adonai’s freedman, while, on the other hand, when a free man is called, he becomes Adonai’s slave. You were bought at a great price, so do not become slaves to men. So, brethren, let each one remain with Elohei, content in whatever station he was when called.

As to the unmarried, I have no commandment from Adonai Yeshua to give. Still, I offer my views as a man who through Adonai’s mercy has been found dependable. I think that, because of the present turmoil, it is best for a man to remain as he is. Are you bound to a wife? Then do not seek to be free. Are you freed from your wife? Then do not seek another man’s wife. However, if you do marry, you do not thereby sin; or if a maiden marries, she does not sin by doing so. But remember that those who marry will have added troubles, and I would spare you that.

But I say this, brethren, that the time is short. From now on, even those who have wives had better live as of they had none. And it would be wise for those who mourn not to weep, and for those who rejoice not to make it known, and for those who are buying something not to seem to have anything. And those who are busy with worldly affairs must not be overly absorbed in them, for the glory of this world will pass away.

I want you to be free from worldly cares. The unmarried man is freer to be concerned about Adonai Yeshua’s work and how to please Him. The married man, on the other hand, is anxious about worldly cares and how to lease his wife. In short, he is divided. There is the same difference also between the married and unmarried woman. The unmarried woman is more concerned about the things of Adonai Yeshua, so that she may be holy in body and spirit. The married woman is concerned more about the things of this world, so that she may please her husband.

I say this for your own good, not to make it harder for you, but to point out what is the better way, so that you may serve Yeshua without distraction. If anyone feels that he is not behaving properly towards his betrothed, especially if she is getting on in years and he feels there is a need for it, let him do as he wishes, and marry her. There is no sin in that. Also that a man does well who has a firm purpose in his heart and a sure control over his desires, and then determines to keep his betrothed untouched. He who gives in to marriage does well, but he who does not give into marriage does better.

A wife is bound by Law to her husband as long as he is alive. But at the death of her husband, she is free to be married to another; but only in The Lord. Still, in my judgement, she will be happier if she remains single. I, too, lay claim to have The Ruach of Elohei.

**CORINTHIANS 6: https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/07/1st-corinthians-chapter-6.html

TRUSTING ELOHEI 100%

Yesterday morning I woke up with a thought running through my mind.

I turned it over and over in my thoughts all day yesterday - pros and cons.

I woke up this morning with a decision firmly in place.

And I just finalized that decision.

You all know how I feel about doctors, hospitals, insurance, and trust in Yeshua.

Since Bob went into ER ... at my insistence ... last August, I have felt tremendous guilt over that. Bob DID NOT WANT TO GO: I pretty much forced him to go because I let fear get a grip on me when I saw what he was vomiting up. When we got stuck on the medical treadmill that kept Bob from dying at home - which was his true desire - I said, "Bob, I am so sorry! You have to forgive me! Please." Bob said, "There is nothing to forgive, honey. I love you." But I always regretted the initial trip to ER which kept him trapped on the medical guinea pig treadmill - which resulted in him dying in a hospital, in another State INSTEAD OF DYING AT HOME, IN HIS OWN BED; his true desire.

And Peace Health has been carrying me on the Peace Health Bridge Program (aka: Financial Assistance Program) since then, and it seemed like a good idea.

Then.

But the other morning I woke with these thoughts in my mind: "If I keep the 100% coverage, I will have to keep reapplying every 6 months. To continue coverage I will have to hand over my Income tax information, my banking information, my monthly budget statement" - in short - ALL my PERSONAL INFORMATION. I am not comfortable with that.

I like making the decisions for MY life: I resent having to answer to outsiders for my choices - if I want a Savings Account (and I do), I do not want to be limited in any way as to how much I can save. It's no one else's damned business!

Also, several doctors do not want to honor the Bridge Program - and that has resulting in ongoing monthly medical fights to force them to comply. You all know I don't back down from fights, but it angers me that I have to go that route, when these doctors should be honoring the agreement they made when they were contracted with Peace Health. And the Bridge Program Advocate/Coordinator is not always available - in fact, I sense a definite brush off lately, which means I have to fight the bullshit alone - which was NOT the agreement. That totally pisses me off.

So, this morning I decided to let the coverage lapse when it come time for renewal again in October. I don't need the added stress in my life right now.

And to be honestly truthful, I have felt like a hypocrite since February 2019.

I TRUST ELOHEI 100% with my life - always have since becoming a Christian in 1966. I have lived MY WHOLE LIFE DEPENDING ON HIM TO CARRY ME THOUGH.

I need to get back to that. I got a little sidetracked with Bob's Graduation, feeling alone and concerned with my angina and asthma, BUT I have lived this long with those issues, and if Elohei wants me to live longer ... I WILL; if not, I will join Bob.

So, at 9 a.m., this morning, I canceled my "new patient" appointment with Lakeside Clinic too. And I felt immense relief: Bob & I had stopped forking out $$$$$ to doctors DECADES AGO - why on earth would I start backtracking down that path again now?

I refuse to allow fear to dictate my actions.

I TRUST ELOHEI 100% with my life - always have since becoming a Christian in 1966. I have lived MY WHOLE LIFE DEPENDING ON HIM TO CARRY ME THOUGH.

WHATEVER happens with my life from this point forward is TOTALLY IN THE HANDS of the One, Who loves me.

And I am okay with that.

My shoulders feel like a weight has been lifted off them, and my soul feels free again.

I feel that, in doing what I did this morning, I am honoring my husband - and we are still a couple, united in thought and action. THAT is what is important to me.

Either I believe Elohei is Who He says he is ... or I don't.

I DO.

And people can think what they want ...

HERE COMES THE SUN

The sun put in a brief appearance yesterday afternoon, blue sky poking through the thick, low-lying gray clouds that have seriously hampered my gardening this year – neither the sun, nor the blue sky stuck around too long … but for one brief, shining moment, it did finally show up:

So; I went out to my garden area to gather some English Thyme sprigs to air dry: they needed pruning, and there was a break in the rain.

While I was out there, I checked the garden beds to see what needed weeded, pinched, corralled, and otherwise tidied up.

I saw several cucumbers showing; a healthy baby Spaghetti Squash showing (and was disappointed to see 1 dead on the vine, and 2 more dying on the vine), several baby Zucchini’s standing at attention – and I picked the 1 distorted green zucchini …

Patio Snacker Cucumber

Baby Spaghetti Squash: I hope this one survives and makes it!

Spaghetti Squash dead on the vine.

Spaghetti Squash dying on the vine due to the continual wet and sultry weather. No sunshine - low, overhanging gray clouds. Yo-yoing temperatures.

Distorted Zucchini. I salvaged this before it went totally ruined ...

Everywhere, leaves are yellowing due to the excess moisture and drying sultry/humid weather:

Rutabaga leaves yellowing. The wet, humid, sultry days are the culprit.

But what concerns me the most is the tasseling corn: it is just waaay too soon for the tasseling to start - but the corn is seriously stressed out …

Painted Corn tasseling too early. Again, the weather conditions are the culprit. I hope I can salvage the crop ...

But what I do?

I am thinking this is going to be a very skimpy harvest from my garden area this year. That makes me sad; I was SO hoping I would get a good harvest to take some of the sting out of Bob’s absence here on Earth :-(

I gleaned some more collard leaves; trashed chewed on cabbage and mustard leaves: picked some blueberries and brought my thyme sprigs inside. Then I washed it all and set it out to dry a bit before storing and hanging.

While waiting, I ate lunch – then got started on another kitchen towel set design. I browsed Pinterest for some fall themed graphs and finally found one I liked and think will work with the variegated cotton yarn I will be using for the background:

MOD Autumn Kitchen Towel colored graph chart.

MOD Autumn Kitchen Towel knit hemline pattern stitch – old Mon Tricot pattern.

MOD Autumn Kitchen Towel knit hemline detail.

By then, the thyme sprigs had dried off enough to hang in the alcove room (which has now morphed a tidy storage area room). I had clipped more sprigs that I thought, so I had to hang the overflow on my grandson’s book rack. LOL!

But that’s okay – I haven’t seen him in a while, and a gal’s gotta do what a gal’s gotta do ;-)

English Thyme harvest; air-drying On the rack Bob built for me. Repurposed Bazaar Hanging Rack. 8 ct. on this rack.

English Thyme harvest: had an over-abundance of sprigs, so I tied these to air dry on the stacked Book Rack (it works. LOL). 8 ct. on this rack.