PSALM 118 - BETTER THAN HOT COCOA ;-)

I was settling in for the night when it was impressed upon my spirit to reach for my Bible and open it to the Psalms. The Psalms, like the Book of Job have gotten me through past tough patches – my Bible fell open to Psalm 118; a very good reminder to TRUST IN ADONAI YESHUA. For His mercies endure forever.

And I heard in the cafeteria earlier this evening that the demoncrats/libtards/socialists/communists/muslims/athiests/satanists/witches/other subterranean plebs are determined to take President Trump down now that they have the House in their pocket. Of course that is CNNs reporting with plenty of their pet biased senators, brainwashed political counselors, and just plain snarky Trump-hater-gossip-monger pals (which the TV is constantly broadcasting day and night here at OHSU) so I pretty much just let the {news; aka twisted gossip passing for news/fake news} go in 1 ear and out the other while I eat.

This passage in the Old Covenant Scriptures pretty much covers everything brought to us or that concerns us … from August forward (the verses that really spoke to me and our situation tonight are dark tinted:

Psalm 118 – “O give thanks unto Adonai; for He is good: because His mercy endures forever.

² Let Israel now say, that His mercy endures forever.

³ Let the house of Aaron now say, that His mercy endures forever.

⁴ Let them now that fear Adonai say, that His mercy endures forever.

⁵ I called upon Adonai in distress: Adonai answered me, and set me in a large place.

⁶ Adonai is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?

⁷ Adonai takes my part with them that help me: therefore shall I see my desire upon them that hate me.

⁸ It is better to trust in Adonai than to put confidence in man.

⁹ It is better to trust in Adonai than to put confidence in princes.

¹⁰ All nations compassed me about: but in the name of Adonai will I destroy them.

¹¹ They compassed me about; yea, they compassed me about: but in the name of Adonai I will destroy them.

¹² They compassed me about like bees: they are quenched as the fire of thorns: for in the name of Adonai I will destroy them.

¹³ Thou hast thrust sore at me that I might fall: but Adonai helped me.

¹⁴ Adonai is my strength and song, and is become my salvation.

¹⁵ The voice of rejoicing and salvation is in the tabernacles of the righteous: the right hand of Adonai does valiantly.

¹⁶ The right hand of Elohim is exalted: the right hand of Elohim does valiantly.

¹⁷ I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord.

¹⁸ Elohim hath chastened me sore: but he hath not given me over unto death.

¹⁹ Open to me the gates of righteousness: I will go into them, and I will praise Elohei:

²⁰ This gate of the Lord, into which the righteous shall enter.

²¹ I will praise thee: for thou hast heard me, and art become my salvation.

²² The stone which the builders refused is become the head stone of the corner.

²³ This is Elohim’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.

²⁴ This is the day which Adonai hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.

²⁵ Save now, I beseech thee, O Lord: O Yeshua, I beseech thee, send now prosperity.

²⁶ Blessed be He that cometh in the name of the Lord: we have blessed You out of the house of Elohim.

²⁷ God is the Lord, which hath shewed us light: bind the sacrifice with cords, even unto the horns of the altar.

²⁸ Thou art my God, and I will praise Thee: thou art my God, I will exalt Thee.

²⁹ O give thanks unto Adonai Yeshua; for He is good: for His mercy endures forever.”

The promises and encouragements in Scripture will do more to help me sleep tonight than a cup of hot cocoa ;-)

Where Are You Christmas?

Streets are hung with holly and lights.

People are rushing to and fro, packing Malls and constantly on the go.

But for us, here at OHSU, it does not feel much like Christmas this year ...

MAKING A TURN

Lots of things happening.

Yesterday afternoon the ICU Ward was serenaded by the Oregon Symphony – such beautiful music! What a privilege :-) They played 3 sets before moving onto other hospital floors:

video of the Oregon Symphony

Late afternoon the surgeon team made it in to talk to us and I didn’t let them go before drilling them for straight answers. They took my 3^rd degree pretty well and answered me directly. So what I heard was … Drs. Gilbert & Morgan say that for the moment they have done all they can do for Hubs until the cysts ‘rind’ over enough to safely be drained. Right now the imaging shows that the cysts are located “in a bad place” (we have seen the imaging taken after the canceled procedure and agree) and that will make working on them very difficult at any time, so they want to be sure that the procedure proceeds as safely as possible when it can finally get under way: Wednesday was hard on all of us, and we want to make the next attempt successful.

So.

New plan is that Hubs will be released from OHSU Monday – or Tuesday – to be transported back to Longview to a Nursing Home Facility for a temporary rooming solution where he will undergo intensive physical therapy and continue tube feeding. Since the goal is to get him home as soon as possible, he will still be on the tube at home for a period of time; so I will be instructed on how to administer him his feedings using the tube. That’s a little scary because his nose is so tender already and I don’t want to hurt him any further. Plus the tube will need occasional deep cleaning, so I will be shown how to do that too. The tube will stay in until he can drink and keep down a 2000 calorie liquid drink without getting nauseous and vomiting it back up. At the rate things are moving forward (a snail’s pace) that will take some time.

In the meantime, cyst imaging will be revisited in 3 weeks’ time, and since Hubs will be an outpatient this coming week, he will need to be making frequent trips back and forth to OHSU from Longview; probably by OHSU Shuttle if his feet and legs are still swollen like the Michelin Tire Man …

MICHELIN TIRE MAN

… or if his feet and legs seriously counter back the serious edema caused by excess water in his body and get back to walking order, I will be driving him back and forth via Hyw. #30, switching to the 405 overpass and on to the Terwilliger/OHSU junction. I loathe Portland traffic but I WILL learn to do this drive because Hubs is depending on me to ‘man up’ and get him from A to B without hysterical road drama.

This little jaunt from our home in Washington State over the Rainier Bridge and down the Oregon side to OHSU will be a precursor of things to come because I made an executive decision earlier this afternoon and decided to move us to Oregon sometime in 2019; not sure when as that will depend on what we can find affordable and how soon we can find it/secure it. But all indicators are that Hubs will be a long-term outpatient of OHSU and OHSU is in Oregon … driving 1-1/2 hours several times a week or even several times a months does not make financial sense when living on a limited income. Selling the house and moving closer within a short driving range makes more sense. Our lives took a drastic turn in August and it will never be the same again: we simply cannot make where we currently live work for our new reality – for lots of reasons, and it is time now to rationally look forward and make adjustments. Hence the “executive decision”, and this time the contemplation of moving to Portland will be going through because it really is the only thing that makes sense financially; plus Hubs will be extremely tired being shifted back and forth on 1-1/2 hour drives: his health is not what it was before all hell broke loose in August. Things have changed, and we must change to keep pace with harmony and balance to walk in beauty. So while getting a crash course in city driving was not something I ever wanted to do, circumstances have thrust me into the thick of it and I need to buckle up and just DO it. I did half the shift driving to get us across the USA a year ago, for Pete’s sake! I should be able to get us across Portland, right? We’ll see. Portland, OR drivers are the worst road rage drivers on the West Coast – just thinking about joining their ranks makes me jumpy already.

ROAD RAGE – Goofy in Disney’s 1950 ‘Freeway Phobia’

I started this striped garter stitch Baby Blanket in ICU last week, and have turned a corner this afternoon, working now on the downturn diagonal and hoping to complete it before this time next week:

MOD Striped Baby Blanket. Pattern will be posted when completed.

There have been many corners turned the past few days. I am optimistic that they will all lead to a happy ending. While Hub’s current situation is not a joyous one, we do believe that it CAN BRING joy into our lives if we allow Elohei a free hand in our lives to bring about His Will in our lives.

PANCREATIC NIGHTMARE

‘Hurry up and wait’ has never been our forte … and it is getting old real fast.

We arrived at OHSU November 24^th around 2 p.m. … Hubs by ambulance and Hub’s son, Alex, drove me from home to OHSU … and it has been a whirlwind ever since. I am glad Hubs is finally here. For the first time since being thrust into this medical hell we are beginning to feel hopeful. St. John’s Peace Health was really in over their heads trying to help Hubs - they really set his recovery backwards and that was why the situation there was so up-down-scarily dire. Here the docs and surgeons are the best of the best in their field of expertise and the outlook we were given was very positive; with proper nutritional needs specific to his needs, removal of the gall bladder ... even though at this point it is nothing more than a precautionary move ... and people who actually KNOW how to deal with the complications of this type of situation, docs say that Hubs should be back to his old self within a 6 mo/1 year timeframe. THAT optimistic and positive diagnosis was worth coming here. All we ever heard at SJPH was doom and gloom that had us hanging by our fingernails trying to sort through all the conflicting drama. Here at OHSU there is talk of a real turn around and NO need to shop for a coffin any time soon. The docs also concur and agree that while they can help pain management, only Elohei can heal the body. Medications and surgeries cannot heal. If docs can - and DO - agree with us on that point, then we feel confident in their helpful support in getting Hubs back on the road to a recovery.

SUNDAY afternoon. Finally made OHSU ... aka ‘Hospital Hilton’. LOL

View outside 14A - enough of a drop to cause vertigo. Fancy deco design.

RS view from our perch

LS view - eye-catching window design and a kinda L-shape building design.

Fancy etched window glass

OHSU hole-in-the-wall. Mysterious {why ???} factor has me curious.

November 25^th Dr. Yip stopped in to Hub’s room and the news was not encouraging – Hubs will have to undergo a procedure to remove most of his pancreas due to dead tissue; that is why he is in so much pain and has so much trouble keeping anything down.

It is assumed that this is a hereditary issue since there are no other indicators as to why Hubs was suddenly struck with this in August. Apparently where there is familial history of gall stones and diabetes, pancreatitis will also raise its ugly head. Hub’s siblings have all suffered with gall stones, and his dad was a diabetic.

Hubs was shell shocked to say the least, and I can’t stop crying. This news is not at all what we were anticipating or hoping for.

But we will continue to lean on Elohei, trust in Yeshua, and rely on the Ruach Ha’Kodesh. We know the Word of God is true, Yeshua’s healing is always on time, and the Ruach’s peace that passes all understanding never fails. In this we are unshakable though all other ground is sinking sand.

THURSDAY afternoon. View of Mt. Hood from OHSU "penthouse room" - we were there all of 3 hours before being shifted to ICU. Very roomy. Very nice.

OHSU Air Trams. Always reminds me of the cartoon, “The Jetsons”. LOL. Penthouse view

The Tram Garage-Elevator Block. Penthouse view. ALL of this is OHSU Campus

Our 3 hours of luxury ... cut short too soon. Darn it.

THURSDAY evening. ICU Room. OHSU

Countdown to procedure day ... between 140 to 117 heart beats per minute have to be in the lower 90's to move forward.

FRIDAY. Skywalk view from ICU. Leads to the Veteran's Hospital.

View of upper floor Penthouse Room from ICU window.

Skywalk and OHSU Parking Garage outside ICU window. Vet Hospital in background across the way

SATURDAY. Hubs being lifted with the sling to sit up a while in the recliner. Will help his lungs.

Hubs … sucking on ice chips … sat up for 2 hours. Helped his lung capacity a lot.

MONDAY. Hubs spending a leisurely day doing a Word Search page. Heart beats per minute vacillate between 105 to lower 90’s.

TUESDAY - 87 beats. EUREKA! Procedure day happens tomorrow ... Wednesday

Tuesday morning frost, and I am headed home in LV for a couple hours to take care of business on the home front.

My white Christmas Cactus is in bloom. A nice welcome home. The pink has not bloomed yet; maybe when I go back home 2 weeks from now it will be in full bloom.

The scheduled procedure was called off last night ... WHILE IN PROCESS! ... because it was too risky to go forward – I couldn’t believe it when I was told. Poor Hubs! After all the waiting and anxious anticipation, it was a no-go because the cysts did not “rind” :-( The surgeons had planned another procedure today, but that fell through also after imaging came back earlier this afternoon – we saw the imaging results and agree with the professionals: TOO RISKY. The cysts are indeed “in a bad place”, so now we have to wait another 3 weeks and hope they harden enough to actually go inside and drain them safely, as was planned last night.

I don’t know if we can handle 6 months to 1 year of constant yo-yo uncertainty, anticipation, stress, and frustration. This is extremely HARD to go through.

Hubs on breathing tube. HORRIBLE to watch him come off it and start breathing in his own! Never want to go through that again >:-P

THURSDAY/TODAY. Hubs playing Solitaire on his laptop that I brought back with me from home on Tuesday. We are disappointed that yesterday’s procedure was halted and today’s procedure was canceled due to the riskiness of going forward with it. Word is another 3 week wait. We NEED a miracle at this point.

My home away from home in Hub's ICU room ... in my own little corner in my own little space. At least Hubs and I are together at OHSU and everyone is going out of their way to make me comfortable during this trying time.

We have only been here at OHSU for 13 days but it seems longer. We’re tired; between the stint at St. John’s Peace Health and our stay here at OHSU Hubs has been hospitalized since November 5^th – a full month, and STILL no relief in sight due to the nature of this fickle disease.

We want this nightmare over.

We need a miracle.

Financial Labyrinth

I was up at 4:30 a.m. this morning and at the hospital by 7:30 a.m., but didn’t get to spend much time with my luv because the day was ate up with appointments to discuss financial arrangements for everything the docs want to do that we simply cannot afford: it all sounds good and the docs feel good when they are telling it to us, but most of it is out of our reach unless we can tap financial resources to pay for all of it. I talked with the hospital social worker twice today – the first time she was not really understanding what we are dealing with and was kinda talking down to me like I was a spoiled simpleton telling me, “I deal with people every day/all day who really have nothing – zero – you have resources to draw from …”; I pretty much tuned her out at that point. It was clear she was ignorant of the grand scope and severity of the situation. But when I spoke with her the second time she was a little more compassionate and had been schooled by her co-worker as to what we are actually dealing with … and ended up in tears while going over “the plan” and sheaves of financial resources with me (pancreatitis is not something that goes away short of an honest-to-God miracle, and it eventually leads to death: it is a constant in-and-out of the hospital wasting disease that, unless Elohim favors Hubs, will rack up millions of dollars in medical care before he passes into glory). We don’t have millions of dollars. She was so repentant of her previous behavior, I actually felt sorry for her, and ended up soothing her!

Hubs has passed the critical stage this morning and the hospital staff inserted a feeding tube and moved him upstairs this afternoon before I left to come home. He will be kept a bit longer to get him started on a supplemental liquid diet in hopes of getting the pancreas well enough to get in there and drain those cysts  don’t know what else will happen, but that much I do know because it was stated to us this morning. They will also be keeping him to monitor how his body reacts to the tube feeding. Then when it is time to release him … again … I will be schooled in how to do the tube feeding at home for home care; it is not a forever thing, but probably for 6 to 8 weeks to calm his pancreas down enough to hopefully get the surgery he needs.

Then when I got home and collected the mail I whooped for joy when I read this letter that said: ((((APPROVED)))) This is a HUGE load off our shoulders …

Doing the happy dance :-D

HAPPY TOGETHER

Living with the painful unpredictably of pancreatitis is hard. Real hard. It is a hard-to-predict, roller-coater-like condition that changes the entire life of not only the person suffering from it … but also if the family that is going through the condition and circumstances with their loved one.

I did not marry my husband knowing that he would 44 years down the road be struggling with this debilitating illness; Bob’s condition hit him suddenly in August after a stressful inflammatory encounter on our front porch with our Park manager that landed him in ER the following afternoon: there was absolutely no warning – no familial history, and no genetic marks to look for and be prepared for. Bob was originally diagnosed in August with gall bladder malfunction, and all the docs were going with that until his recent hospitalization, where the surgeon ruled out gall bladder complications completely, and said that diagnosis was totally wrong … no indication there was ever a need for gall bladder surgery; he didn’t understand why it was even suggested. Bob was also put on 2 heart medications he DID NOT NEED that were literally killing him … causing frightening blackouts and seizures that landed him in the hospital: all those have been put aside too after Wednesday’s ER visit (he was admitted to ER via ambulance when he started having severe chest pains IN the doctor’s office during his scheduled appointment – later told NOT a heart attack, but rather a ‘chest wall pain’ that mimics a heart attack; brought on by the acute pancreatitis. Before the ambulance arrived he was given 2 nitro pills BY the doctor herself as a precaution!). And people wonder why we are skeptical of doctors and their diagnosis’s!

When we were told Bob has acute and chronic pancreatitis, we, like everyone else assumed it is a disease related to acute alcoholism – and we were quick to let everyone know that THAT could not possibly be the reason Bob is suffering; he does not drink heavily … and has not since 1981. And yet, even among doctors, such as we have run across in ER, there is still a stigma attached to the diagnosis and that is the first question asked. It appears that Bob is suffering from {idiopathic pancreatitis}, which means that while he is FOR SURE SUFFERING this miserable condition, there is no apparent cause as to ((((WHY)))) he is suffering the horrific recurring flare-ups and misery associated with them after all systematic diagnostic evaluations have been administered and reviewed. He does have biliary sludge in this gallbladder … but NO stones – and the stones is what would normally be causing all the pain and inflammation he is suffering. Docs are scratching their heads and a recommendations to be admitted to OHSU (the Oregon Health & Science University Hospital) is on the table. We aren’t even arguing the suggestion – Bob needs help, we need answers, and if OHSU can and will pay for his consultation and following procedures … then we are going to go for it and I will learn to handle the frantic and dangerous city driving of Portland, Oregon, which I loathe and avoid at all costs. I WILL learn because we are going through this thing together. And ‘together’ means we will both be facing our scary situations and leaning into them to overcome them.

And we will not allow acute and chronic pancreatitis to destroy our life together, or rob us of our joy in each other. That can happen as frustrations – which is a stressor, and stressors are to be avoided – crops up on any given day. We cannot allow that if Bob is to get better and hopefully beat the devil at his own game.

Life is hard right now. But it WILL get better. There will BE good times in our life again once we get a firmer grip on this thing and learn how to roll with the changes – in diet, in behavior, in character, in public – in every nuance and situation that makes up the tapestry of our life.

We are going through this together, and THAT knowledge coupled with prayer and keeping faith in our Faith will help us get through this trying time.

Together.

CHANGES

The leaves on the fancy hybrid maple tree outside the livingroom window is changing into its pretty Fall colors before dropping them completely off …

… and it’s raining – has been steadily raining since Wednesday; Fall has arrived.

I like this time of year; some people don’t, but I do. I like the crispness in the air that pinks the cheeks, the cooler weather settling in; which means I can breathe easier, the beautiful leaf colors that pop – making the heavy gray days tolerable, and the scent of approaching Winter hovering on the breeze. The other day I even caught a quick scent of someone burning a wood stove – not in the Park I am sure, but nearby, and drifting on the air currents passing over us.

It’s been eventful here, but we are learning to lean into the onslaught and push forward. Hubs is still struggling with this illness, but this is our life now and we must learn how to roll with the punches and get back on our feet to defy the foul enemy which whispers fear into our hearts. This we can do with the help of the Ruach Ha’Kodesh, Who gently guides us, teaches us, and tells us that Elohei loves us: “be strong and of good courage, for you are His – and He will not fail you. Has His Word not said so, and has He not shown you in times past that He will deliver you out of the hand of the fowler?”

We have no one BUT Elohei on our side walking with us through this dark and scary time which seems always to lead to the edge of the valley of death. Right now, Hubs is suffering with pancreatic pain which is making life difficult to bear. We were told with last week’s hospitalization that there is no need for gall bladder surgery (((YAY!))), and 2 days ago we were told that his heart, kidneys, and liver are all where they need to be too ‘for a man’ his age (((YAY!))) – all glory and honor goes to Yeshua for His healing grace, and to Elohim for His favor :-D Hub’s blood count is still very low making him severely anemic, and he is having trouble eating and keeping nourishment in his body due to the pancreas flare-ups, but we know that Elohei knows all about that and will take care of it like He has the rest if we rest in Him and do not allow fear to take root and spread its poisonous tentacles in our lives. Hubs continues to go to the scheduled appointments with various docs and physicians, but they really can’t help him – he goes mainly to say he went and to shut everyone up, but he knows that they cannot help him; only Elohei can help him. The doctors and physicians are only guessing at what they can do, but Elohei knows EXACTLY what needs to be done. People ask, “Then why doesn’t God heal him?” Who are we to ask such questions? And with such mockery? Perhaps it is for others that he is suffering so – one of his night nurses during last week’s hospitalization during a severe flare-up, was a young woman we knew as a baby and child who has since forsaken the Faith: Hubs and she talked many times about many things, including Faith … perhaps their coming together as they did was not mere happenstance – perhaps it was supernaturally arranged and perhaps she may start making changes in her life that will greatly benefit her. Who knows? Only Elohei KNOWS why any of us go through anything we go through. And we can only go through it with Him.

Changes.

They’re hard. Sometimes very hard …

But we don’t have to go through changes alone. This we KNOW, and that makes it all bearable ;-)

Since Hubs has been spending so much time in/out of ER and the hospital, a nurse noticed MOD paperback novel cover and asked if I made it; I said, “yes, and that we usually do the Bazaar circuit where I do a pretty brisk business selling my original designs, but this year that is out because Hubs is so sick.” I said too that if this is our life from now on (at least until Elohei heals him), Bazaars may be a thing of the past. Then she asked if I had ever considered donating items, and that the hospital has a program that accepts handmade items such as baby hats, chemo hats, baby blankets and chemo blankets. I readily agreed – this is one way I can repay some of the $$$$$’s the Bridge Program is forking out for our medical expenses. I called the foundation and signed on ;-)

This is the baby blanket I am currently working on:

When it is finished, I will drop it off with the lapghans I am digging out of my Bazaar Cache to donate.