INCONVIENCES

I woke up this morning thinking I would call Steele’s Chapel funeral home to find out if Hub’s cremation remains were ready to pick up; but while I was downing a 2^nd cup of coffee and working up the nerve to reach for the phone, they called me and informed me that the cremains, the Death Certificate, and the kids’ memory remains (to later be slipped into their own personal Urn Vials) were ready for pickup. So I called SIL and asked her to go with me. When we got there, the receptionist bagged up the container and said, “He had big bones … lots of density there.” I thought that was kinda insensitive, but yeah, he did have big bones: Hubs was 6’2” tall and built husky – solid as a rock. He did have big bones, He also had a big heart.

It was sad to see my gentle giant reduced to ashes stashed in a container no bigger than a teenager’s shoe box …

Later I had to go down to the Social Security Office to show the Death Certificate and Marriage License. ((((SURPRISE!)))) Hub’s benefits were cut 25%! I was NOT expecting THAT. The fella doing the subtraction was trying his best to be kind while doing an unkind activity (I actually felt sorry for him). He did what he could to give me every financial break allowed, including a pitiful widow’s portion (aka; “surviving spouse’s beneficiary), which allowed me a pitiable $25.80 addition to a drastically reduced income. And to add injury to insult, I was informed that I won’t receive a stipend from Social Security until the middle of February 2019 because I won’t turn 62 until December 29^th, 2018 … and “the office is backed up for the next 42 days” in which my claim will be reviewed and handled. This wonderful bit of bureaucratic news should tickle January’s bill collector’s funny bones :-(

I came home and refigured the family budget and I think I should be able to manage the bills and steer clear of the cat food isle if I am very, very frugal – I AM very, very frugal: every lose penny around our place already screams when I pinch it; now I will have to pinch until they are black and blue ;-) The kids are concerned and are being as helpful as they can be, but I really NEED to work this out on my own. I have to KNOW that I CAN DO this on my own. Hub’s always had confidence in me, so now ((((I)))) have to have confidence in me. I did take pictures of the ‘fridge, the freezer, and the cupboards … and sent them off to the kids and grandkids so they can see for themselves that I am eating healthy and there is not a can of cat food in ANY pictures.

And I have to lean on Elohei a little more: He is ALWAYS available to lend an ear, to listen to my cries, to put up my tears in a bottle, and to support me when I am too weak to stand. He won’t rage at me out of helpless frustration, treat me like I am dense, or make me feel like an imposition. People are human; and humans will behave like humans.

I can’t help the timing of Hub’s death (holiday season); it was and IS “inconvenient” – neither one of us saw August coming down the pike; we certainly did not expect him to die at Christmas time and throw an unwelcome warp into everyone’s lives. Inconvenient things happen at inconvenient times … THAT is what MAKES them inconvenient. I, like everyone else dealing with this death, has BEEN inconvenienced. I do NOT want to be another inconvenience: I don’t know what I will do, but I do KNOW that I WILL DO what needs to be done; and Yeshua will help me figure that out.

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday ... not.

Financial Labyrinth

I was up at 4:30 a.m. this morning and at the hospital by 7:30 a.m., but didn’t get to spend much time with my luv because the day was ate up with appointments to discuss financial arrangements for everything the docs want to do that we simply cannot afford: it all sounds good and the docs feel good when they are telling it to us, but most of it is out of our reach unless we can tap financial resources to pay for all of it. I talked with the hospital social worker twice today – the first time she was not really understanding what we are dealing with and was kinda talking down to me like I was a spoiled simpleton telling me, “I deal with people every day/all day who really have nothing – zero – you have resources to draw from …”; I pretty much tuned her out at that point. It was clear she was ignorant of the grand scope and severity of the situation. But when I spoke with her the second time she was a little more compassionate and had been schooled by her co-worker as to what we are actually dealing with … and ended up in tears while going over “the plan” and sheaves of financial resources with me (pancreatitis is not something that goes away short of an honest-to-God miracle, and it eventually leads to death: it is a constant in-and-out of the hospital wasting disease that, unless Elohim favors Hubs, will rack up millions of dollars in medical care before he passes into glory). We don’t have millions of dollars. She was so repentant of her previous behavior, I actually felt sorry for her, and ended up soothing her!

Hubs has passed the critical stage this morning and the hospital staff inserted a feeding tube and moved him upstairs this afternoon before I left to come home. He will be kept a bit longer to get him started on a supplemental liquid diet in hopes of getting the pancreas well enough to get in there and drain those cysts  don’t know what else will happen, but that much I do know because it was stated to us this morning. They will also be keeping him to monitor how his body reacts to the tube feeding. Then when it is time to release him … again … I will be schooled in how to do the tube feeding at home for home care; it is not a forever thing, but probably for 6 to 8 weeks to calm his pancreas down enough to hopefully get the surgery he needs.

Then when I got home and collected the mail I whooped for joy when I read this letter that said: ((((APPROVED)))) This is a HUGE load off our shoulders …

Doing the happy dance :-D