CHANGE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT

Today was my Friday morning coffee hour in Lexington, and I was running late. Thank goodness for my ‘community network’ that knows me (small, though it is); as I exited the Park, and quickly cut across the Ocean Beach 5 lanes to nip into Mr. Bill’s for my joy juice … the girls had caught sight of the car, and had my coffee ready for me 😊

I’m glad they also have Oat Milk. I’m lactose intolerant and shy away from cow milk, but my body can deal favorably with oat milk. I don’t like oatmeal, but I do like oat milk.

I know … I’m a weirdo 😉

Oat Milk Benefits: https://www.goodto.com/food/is-oat-milk-healthy-608825

Mr. Bill's Espresso; Ocean Beach Highway.

Joy juice in hand as I entered the house, I was hailed with a warm greeting as I settled in, to enjoy my nosh and natter hour; and was pleasantly surprised to hear memories of Bob, I had not previously been aware of. There were a few unexpected people included in the Lexington gathering that knew Bob when he was in High School (before I knew him personally) and they shared some memories of that time with me, today. It’s fun for me to hear about those times. It always cheers me up, hearing about Bob’s impact on people’s lives – Bob is my favorite topic 😊

My ‘community’ is shaping up nicely 😊

After the chit-chat session exhausted itself – and before I had cleared the invisible boundary line between Lexington and Longview, I had decided to drive to La Center; Spring is in the air, and I’m getting itchy feet. Plus, I wanted to stop at that bakery I’d driven past – and see what they have to offer: a tasty pastry following my Shabbat meal would be a nice treat 😉

There is also a restaurant in La Center I was thinking about ducking into, and sampling something from the menu; it’s nothing fancy, but I like to enjoy new places when I’m out and about.

I was also thinking of kicking around La Center for a bit to see what all was there (play Curious George for an hour or so).

Decided to drive to the bakery in La Center.

There was plenty of time for a leisurely backroad drive ...

All along the route I saw evidence of lingering flood waters. There didn’t appear to be severe damages by floodings, but the areas are still very saturated, and the waters have reached the high-water marks – some clearly breaching the low-lying areas with lapping over-reach.

Nichols Blvd., Longview; access to I-5.

Lake Sacajawea was at the high-water level mark; Nichols Boulevard, Longview.

Carroll’s, Kalama from Longview; via WA-432 E and Old Pacific Hwy S.

High waters lapping the beaches of Cottonwood Island; view from the Carroll’s Bluff hill road to Kalama. Oregon is in the background.

Cottonwood Island is situated in the Columbia River between Kalama & Longview. People do not live on it, and aside from birds, I don’t know if animals live there, either.

I was relieved to see that though Lane Road is sliding … it hasn’t worsened over the Winter, and hasn’t washed out too much from all the rainy days of late.

The sunshine felt good – it wasn’t strong sunshine yet, but it was very warming on my shoulders as it shone through the car windows 😊

I also noticed that my dome lights came on and refused to shut down.

I pulled off the road and parked in a graveled spot to haul one of the Owner’s Manuals out and read about the lights – that was a useless activity: there was nothing useful in the book, just a lot of nerdy info that sounded like Greek to me. So, I put the Manual away, reentered the roadway, and hoped that when I turned the car off in La Center … the lights would go out, too. The psycho behavior of the on/off lights are picking up in frequency: very frustrating.

Lane Road, Kalama-WA

‘Sunshine On My Shoulders’ song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9Gh6dn7hzQ)

Green Mountain Road, Woodland to La Center; via Green Mountain Rd and NW Pacific Hwy. 

Sadie and Josie's Bakery; 582 NW Pacific Hwy, La Center, WA

Gorilla Grill, La Center.

When I got back to the Highlander with my bakery goodies, the lights were still on.

I knew I had to do something about this annoying nuisance – and fast. If I decided to go to Shabbat Service tomorrow morning, would I have a live battery in the morning to ignite the Highlander’s get-up-and-go? No! Not if the lights refused to stay off, and burned through the night ☹

I reined myself in from having a princess temper right there on the sidewalk, and calmly morphed into Queen mode.

A Queen calmly assesses the situation from every angle … and seeks help when necessary; a Queen, even if she feels inept in a situation does not give into a feeling of stupidity. A Queen realizes that every {inept} situation leads to a learning experience, so that next time (if a ‘next time’ arises) she will have the knowledge to deal with the situation as it arises.

Change of plans ... backtrack to Kelso.

Bipolar dome lights - seriously frustrating.

When I arrived in Kelso, and drove into the Dick Hannah Maintenance Cubicle, the crew was very helpful. And they know that I only show up when I’m truly stumped, and need a ‘show and tell’ demonstration, like: “talk to me like a 3-year-old – step by step with hands-on instruction”. I learn best that way; pointing to a page in a manual won’t clarify anything to me.

The dome lights had been on for 2 stinking hours. I was glad they were finally off. I am glad someone took the time to show me what to do if it happens again.

Thank Elohim I have good people in my life 😊

The light button was 'stuck' – no explanation given other than that; Dick Hannah employees dinked around with it, freed it up, and reset it.

Change.

It was woven throughout my entire day.

And I think I rolled with it pretty well 😉

I also think I deserve one of those yummy eclairs with a goblet of wine, as I kick back in my comfy armchair and welcome the Shabbat’s relaxing caress 😊

My La Center goodies: White Cupcakes w-choc frosting & Bavarian Eclairs.

L'Chiam!

QUEEN WITH GRIT

I’ve had lots of time to think the past few days.

Rain and a run with a shingles outbreak along my spine has kept me in-house. And the gal pals that were supposed to pop in for a chit-chat got scared off by the coronavirus that came to our State via Seattle airport; they think it best to hold off visiting until the flu season is over sometime in April.

So.

LOTS of time on my hands to sit and think …

I did clean the house room by room this week: I was so bored, I had to do something. And I made fingertip towels for each bathroom too – I need to use up my scrap cotton yarn, and needed new towels, so I broke out my yarn stash and Mon Tricot Pattern Stitches book:

MOD Fingertip bathroom towel. Knit ‘mock houndstooth’ pattern & sc hem edgings on both ends.

The pattern is a simple one, so I was able to work the towels up while staying with the Senate hearings all week long ;-)

I also had a thought pop into my head the other day, which is behind the new font colors – and will be carried over to each post that deals with this topic: “Queen with Grit” I am the queen. Bob always said I had grit, and he always treated me like his Queen. We referred to our homes as our “humble castles”; and I, likewise, treated Bob like the “King” of our castle.

So. That is how I will be viewing my life going forward – as a Queen with grit ;-)

Of course, I am a queen without a king. And I don’t even have a fiefdom. But I do still have our castle, the carriage, and property holdings by which to prosper my meager holdings.

This may sound wacky and laughable, but I am serious: if I am ever going to succeed in my new life I have to view it from a position of power – my King Bee imbued me with that power August 27^th, 1974, when he slipped that little gold band on my little finger, and installed me in his hive as his Queen Bee. When my King Bee flew above the clouds to live out his eternal life walking the streets of gold in a parallel world, all the titles to his worldly possessions rightfully and legally became mine, as his Queen Bee. It is up to me to maintain the castle and carriage, and to make sure the gardens thrive and prosper every year – Bob literally gave his life for those garden beds; one way, or another, they WILL produce for, and prosper his Queen. They didn’t do very well last year because my mind couldn’t concentrate very well … I was grieving; and dealing with legal issues every day. And trying to find my place outside and within the fractured family nucleus: neither is an issue this year. This year I can devote myself wholly to rebuilding my life, and making sure the gardens thrive and produce well: I did okay last year, but this year I can do better.

I am already planning for prosperity ;-)

Of course, I no longer have the concern of prospering my King’s possessions to consider anymore; either for him, or his progeny – Bob is no longer here to care, and the progeny have cut themselves off: any prospering that takes place now is solely for my comfort and prosperity, and I don’t need; nor do I want much – just enough to live peacefully and comfortably confidently. I am just a woman alone now; and aging woman with no one to leave her King’s prosperity and holdings to when I, too, am called to Home beyond the clouds.

It’s an adjustment.

It has been a long time since I hosted guests, but I might give that a whirl again; so, I need to make sure the castle is up and running smoothly in that regard.

I like a change of scenery now and then, so the carriage has got to be in tip-top shape too. And with the warranties running out, I have to plan judiciously when it comes to mileage, as the dwindling warranties are connected to mileage. That didn’t really matter before August 2018, because Bob always knew how to do what needed to be done when it came to vehicle maintenance … but my King is on extended leave now, and I don’t know – I am at the mercy of mechanics and maintenance checks, hoping I will be dealt with honestly. Even if so, ‘honest work’ will cost me twice/three times what it cost when the king was still in residence and doing maintenance.

Life around the castle has changed.

The King is gone; there is no knight … and no heir-apparent … waiting in the wings to pledge loyalty to this gray-haired ‘Lady’.

I have to rescue myself.

There are days I still feel disoriented, but I am stronger today than I was this day, last year. I am more confident in establishing self-identity, and I’m battle ready for whatever tempest life throws at me – I’ve already weathered the worst, and I’m still standing: tired, a bit shaken, and a lot bruised … but still standing, a Queen amidst the rubble of my shattered life.

The stronghold of Grief, that threatened to undo me last year, has been breached and is less constricting. I have learned how to press forward towards peace of mind and leave Grief’s chaos behind. Life is a little easier, now that the landscape of my mind is not constantly crowded. With no King in residence, and with the abandonment of progeny, there really is no reason to look towards the future anymore – I can stay grounded in the present. That, to me, is liberating.

I can’t remember a time in my entire life, when there wasn’t someone’s future to worry about. Now there is no one but me … and I’m okay living minute to minute ;-)

2019 was a continuing and trying trauma drama. Bob’s exiting this world with the waning of 2018, was peaceful, all things considered: Elohei was faithful and favored us. I am thankful and feel blessed. The progeny, though, were torments as they both literally attacked me emotionally, verbally, and spiritually; forcing me – like Lady Godiva – to be paraded naked through the wreckage of my life.

But because they perceived me as weak and easily malleable, they didn’t know that I am a woman of grit; their father had every confidence in me, and bolstered that confidence with his dying breaths; telling me again and again that he had confidence I would be strong enough to weather life’s storms as a solo lobo. The memory of those times my beloved king held my hand, strengthening my life as his life was ebbing infused me with renewed strength, and boldness, as I was stripped bare and left vulnerable and exposed. I struggled mightily to survive.

And some days, I still do.

Surviving the physical death of my husband is hard.

Surviving familial betrayal and abandonment, is harder.

But, now, surviving isn’t enough.

I want to engage in fully living live again.

My king will not be returning to the castle: he has taken up eternal residence elsewhere. And I have spent enough time trying to salvage the broken pieces of a shattered life.

There is nothing recognizable left to salvage.

Not one last thing.

There is no more 'we'; in any sense of what that word used to mean – now, there is only me.

There is only me, a solitary queen, who is left to rebuild a life and reinforce the castle, making it my personal domain with a solo lobo purpose.

This is my sole responsibility.

But this is not an easy task: it is a necessary task, but a task I’d rather not engage in. I’ve never lived in a castle before where the imminent return of my king was not expected at some point in time … my heart still longs for him, and my mind is having a hard time coming to terms with the finality of his absence: I am not yet sure how to begin settling into my solo lobo life; I find myself constantly reworking the restructuring framework as I set about rebuilding my new life on the foundation of my old life. I even question if I should keep the old foundation – it is a good, solid foundation; but can I … and more importantly … is it wise to newly rebuild a new life on the foundation of the old life?

It’s a complex predicament.

Even so, despite the daunting task before me, I know I have what it takes to get the job done.

I don’t need a personal merlin with a magic wand, or provoking incantations over a powerful amulet.

I have grit.

Bob gave me the Title of Queen.

And I know I am strong enough to live this life on my own.

I will use my grit to reinvent myself.

I am the architect of my present – I am in charge.

I can redesign my life to be anything I want it to be.

I can have a beautiful life again – full of wonder and excitement, and unfolding in living color.

I can do this ;-)