QUEEN WITH GRIT

I’ve had lots of time to think the past few days.

Rain and a run with a shingles outbreak along my spine has kept me in-house. And the gal pals that were supposed to pop in for a chit-chat got scared off by the coronavirus that came to our State via Seattle airport; they think it best to hold off visiting until the flu season is over sometime in April.

So.

LOTS of time on my hands to sit and think …

I did clean the house room by room this week: I was so bored, I had to do something. And I made fingertip towels for each bathroom too – I need to use up my scrap cotton yarn, and needed new towels, so I broke out my yarn stash and Mon Tricot Pattern Stitches book:

MOD Fingertip bathroom towel. Knit ‘mock houndstooth’ pattern & sc hem edgings on both ends.

The pattern is a simple one, so I was able to work the towels up while staying with the Senate hearings all week long ;-)

I also had a thought pop into my head the other day, which is behind the new font colors – and will be carried over to each post that deals with this topic: “Queen with Grit” I am the queen. Bob always said I had grit, and he always treated me like his Queen. We referred to our homes as our “humble castles”; and I, likewise, treated Bob like the “King” of our castle.

So. That is how I will be viewing my life going forward – as a Queen with grit ;-)

Of course, I am a queen without a king. And I don’t even have a fiefdom. But I do still have our castle, the carriage, and property holdings by which to prosper my meager holdings.

This may sound wacky and laughable, but I am serious: if I am ever going to succeed in my new life I have to view it from a position of power – my King Bee imbued me with that power August 27^th, 1974, when he slipped that little gold band on my little finger, and installed me in his hive as his Queen Bee. When my King Bee flew above the clouds to live out his eternal life walking the streets of gold in a parallel world, all the titles to his worldly possessions rightfully and legally became mine, as his Queen Bee. It is up to me to maintain the castle and carriage, and to make sure the gardens thrive and prosper every year – Bob literally gave his life for those garden beds; one way, or another, they WILL produce for, and prosper his Queen. They didn’t do very well last year because my mind couldn’t concentrate very well … I was grieving; and dealing with legal issues every day. And trying to find my place outside and within the fractured family nucleus: neither is an issue this year. This year I can devote myself wholly to rebuilding my life, and making sure the gardens thrive and produce well: I did okay last year, but this year I can do better.

I am already planning for prosperity ;-)

Of course, I no longer have the concern of prospering my King’s possessions to consider anymore; either for him, or his progeny – Bob is no longer here to care, and the progeny have cut themselves off: any prospering that takes place now is solely for my comfort and prosperity, and I don’t need; nor do I want much – just enough to live peacefully and comfortably confidently. I am just a woman alone now; and aging woman with no one to leave her King’s prosperity and holdings to when I, too, am called to Home beyond the clouds.

It’s an adjustment.

It has been a long time since I hosted guests, but I might give that a whirl again; so, I need to make sure the castle is up and running smoothly in that regard.

I like a change of scenery now and then, so the carriage has got to be in tip-top shape too. And with the warranties running out, I have to plan judiciously when it comes to mileage, as the dwindling warranties are connected to mileage. That didn’t really matter before August 2018, because Bob always knew how to do what needed to be done when it came to vehicle maintenance … but my King is on extended leave now, and I don’t know – I am at the mercy of mechanics and maintenance checks, hoping I will be dealt with honestly. Even if so, ‘honest work’ will cost me twice/three times what it cost when the king was still in residence and doing maintenance.

Life around the castle has changed.

The King is gone; there is no knight … and no heir-apparent … waiting in the wings to pledge loyalty to this gray-haired ‘Lady’.

I have to rescue myself.

There are days I still feel disoriented, but I am stronger today than I was this day, last year. I am more confident in establishing self-identity, and I’m battle ready for whatever tempest life throws at me – I’ve already weathered the worst, and I’m still standing: tired, a bit shaken, and a lot bruised … but still standing, a Queen amidst the rubble of my shattered life.

The stronghold of Grief, that threatened to undo me last year, has been breached and is less constricting. I have learned how to press forward towards peace of mind and leave Grief’s chaos behind. Life is a little easier, now that the landscape of my mind is not constantly crowded. With no King in residence, and with the abandonment of progeny, there really is no reason to look towards the future anymore – I can stay grounded in the present. That, to me, is liberating.

I can’t remember a time in my entire life, when there wasn’t someone’s future to worry about. Now there is no one but me … and I’m okay living minute to minute ;-)

2019 was a continuing and trying trauma drama. Bob’s exiting this world with the waning of 2018, was peaceful, all things considered: Elohei was faithful and favored us. I am thankful and feel blessed. The progeny, though, were torments as they both literally attacked me emotionally, verbally, and spiritually; forcing me – like Lady Godiva – to be paraded naked through the wreckage of my life.

But because they perceived me as weak and easily malleable, they didn’t know that I am a woman of grit; their father had every confidence in me, and bolstered that confidence with his dying breaths; telling me again and again that he had confidence I would be strong enough to weather life’s storms as a solo lobo. The memory of those times my beloved king held my hand, strengthening my life as his life was ebbing infused me with renewed strength, and boldness, as I was stripped bare and left vulnerable and exposed. I struggled mightily to survive.

And some days, I still do.

Surviving the physical death of my husband is hard.

Surviving familial betrayal and abandonment, is harder.

But, now, surviving isn’t enough.

I want to engage in fully living live again.

My king will not be returning to the castle: he has taken up eternal residence elsewhere. And I have spent enough time trying to salvage the broken pieces of a shattered life.

There is nothing recognizable left to salvage.

Not one last thing.

There is no more 'we'; in any sense of what that word used to mean – now, there is only me.

There is only me, a solitary queen, who is left to rebuild a life and reinforce the castle, making it my personal domain with a solo lobo purpose.

This is my sole responsibility.

But this is not an easy task: it is a necessary task, but a task I’d rather not engage in. I’ve never lived in a castle before where the imminent return of my king was not expected at some point in time … my heart still longs for him, and my mind is having a hard time coming to terms with the finality of his absence: I am not yet sure how to begin settling into my solo lobo life; I find myself constantly reworking the restructuring framework as I set about rebuilding my new life on the foundation of my old life. I even question if I should keep the old foundation – it is a good, solid foundation; but can I … and more importantly … is it wise to newly rebuild a new life on the foundation of the old life?

It’s a complex predicament.

Even so, despite the daunting task before me, I know I have what it takes to get the job done.

I don’t need a personal merlin with a magic wand, or provoking incantations over a powerful amulet.

I have grit.

Bob gave me the Title of Queen.

And I know I am strong enough to live this life on my own.

I will use my grit to reinvent myself.

I am the architect of my present – I am in charge.

I can redesign my life to be anything I want it to be.

I can have a beautiful life again – full of wonder and excitement, and unfolding in living color.

I can do this ;-)