SHABBAT PONDERINGS

Aside from reflecting on the 11^th day hearings in The Senate, and deliberately setting the 24 hours from dusk tonight to dusk tomorrow evening Shabbat hours aside solely for reflection on the goodness and faithfulness of Elohei … I am again glancing through my Grief~Share booklet, contemplating a chapter from that.

I’m not anxious, but I am starting to feel the pall of lurking loneliness.

 

Though I am never truly ‘alone’, in the sense that Yeshua walks with me every day – and I feel Bob’s essence all around me every day … I miss sharing my life with someone: simple things like walking alongside someone and sharing conversation in the present; impromptu scenic daytrips that include a quick bite at a comfy country restaurant along the way – or a planned scenic daytrip with a packed picnic stop along the way; a phone call ending with, “just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you …” Not romance. Not sexual. Just connecting. Sharing. Caring.

HOW CAN I DEAL WITH MY LONELINESS? (pg. 21) 

I have been lucky and blessed, in that, since beginning this uncharted solo lobo  journey, Elohim has been faithful to send people to me that I knew before, with Bob; and have been wrapped in their love since our ordeal began … or, Elohim has placed people in my life that have made place for me in their lives – such as at Keenager’s, and my other 2 Senior gatherings: in Longview, and in Castle Rock.

When I get together with my married Georgia peaches gal pals, even though Mike & Frank are still among us, and I am obviously alone, I never feel alone. I am among friends who have become my tribe, in a comfortable setting with comfortable people, engaging in comfortable convo and activities.

 

When I go to my Senior meet ‘n greets, I admit I do sometimes feel alone, even though I am obviously surrounded on all sides by other people. Everyone is very nice and welcoming … but, they also know each other very well – having either grown up together and shared a long life together through the years; or they go to church together and spend a great deal of their week days together through various church related activities: I don’t “fit”, in either category. My connection with them is new – and sometimes I do feel lonely even when among them. I’m the odd one: I have been accepted into their circle, but I can’t relate to their past camaraderie, and the present doesn’t extend past the hour spent with them: I am a Christian, for sure, but I don’t attend any of the local churches – attending Keenager’s is as close as I get to a churchy environment. Personal choice. I am thankful for their kindness towards me, I appreciate the empathy from the widows and widowers among them. But, at the end of the meets, I go my way – they go theirs, and we don’t speak to each other until we meet again. The lack of physical closeness, the total silence of all communication suspended, the absence of ‘connection’ is felt. Loneliness.

Bob and I were together all the time; we made a point of being together during our 44 year life together. There were times, too, when we were together that we weren’t necessarily together. For example: in house, but in separate areas of the house doing separate things. The difference was … we always KNEW the other WAS THERE. There was always a connection. We had alone time while never truly being alone.

And after becoming a solo lobo, December 14^th, 2018, I was kept too busy to be alone-alone. Thank God! All the legal & familial wrangling’s that kept me hopping … and the friendships that got me out-of-house and out-of-head, saved my sanity.

But with the waning of 2019, legalities had been ironed out. Familial strife had mutually been cut out: several family members left my life, and I quit caring – I miss them; I don’t miss the constant trauma drama. I was lonely for a life that never was, and resigned to the ‘never will be’ aspect of that loss. It’s a weird feeling. Loneliness that strangely doesn’t feel all that lonely, now.

The dawning of 2020 started with a clean Page to a new Chapter in my ongoing Life.

WHY DO I NEED TO SPEND TIME WITH OTHERS? (pg. 22)

‘Community’.

That word means a variety of things: group, society, public, people, population, neighborhood, area, district, village, kinship, unity, identity, cooperation, convergence, similarity, spirit …

All are important in gathering information, and learning how to deal – practically – with widowhood, unique to you personally.

I don’t know how other people feel the first year of their widowing journey; I just know how I, personally, felt and dealt with my solo lobo journey. And I am still feeling my way along, and dealing with this new life I never wanted, but am determined to restructure and rebuild.

Friendship, regardless of how solid … or wobbly … is crucial. Old friends prop up stability, and keep color in an otherwise unstable and gray-scaped new life. Their continuing deep love and presence in my new life keep me from going off the rails. Their insight – when I’ve lost sight, keep me accountable so that unwise actions and choices are less likely – and righted again, when unwise choices are highlighted. New friends, sharing the same walk I am now walking; yet further along in that walk, can give sound advice and different perspectives to add stability and color to this new life that my still-coupled-old friends are not yet aware of.

 

I’ve unfurled my fledgling wings and learned to fly – tentatively, at first … presently, broadening my horizons. With the arrival and fading of each new month throughout 2019, I become … little by little … more comfortable leaving the comfort zone of our home (solely my home, now), and venturing into the public arena of society without my husband alongside me – he was with me in spirit, by physically, he was no longer present. I have never been comfortable in the public eye, among large crowds of people: I have always been a solo lobo: now, that status had been ramped up. Not by choice. Before Bob, solo loboing didn’t bother me – I actually preferred it; after Bob, I enjoyed everything about being a tight couple; now that Bob is no longer here, I found soloing a bit unnerving. Times had changed in 44 years! And, being part of a couple, I had not ‘kept up’. Bob had. But Bob was no longer here, and I was seriously out of my depth concerning e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

2019 was a learning year as I navigated my way through new experiences I had to wade through solo lobo: social security administration brusqueness (I learned to temper my temper to achieve success in securing rightful/just income); business contacts & contracts: AT&T, Toyota Dealership, County dealings – home ownership transfer/property taxes, car ownership transfer/licensing, ect. (I did, on occasion, lose my temper in these instances); government dealings (annual income taxes – which I satisfactory did, district census call – which I refused to cooperate with); neighborhood (I decided, once and for all to dig my heels in and remain here despite the continual friction with the management here) – this is where my husband gave me a good home and we embarked on a carefree retired life: I intend to make the best of it, and recognize Heron Pointe in Longview, WA as my hometown and neighborhood. Period. That is what Bob would expect (he liked Longview: I will learn to like Longview; he always wanted to live in Heron Pointe: to honor my husband, I will continue living in Heron Pointe)… that is what I am doing.

The sharp edges of loneliness are smoothed.

WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY ALONE TIME? (pg. 23)

Isolation versus solitude.

Before Bob, I lived my solo lobo life in isolation. That is what I chose, to survive my childhood and young adulthood.

After Bob, I lived my life coupled with his – and I liked that. Bob gave me a wonderful, love filled life.

After Bob stepped off Earth, I was back to solo loboing. But aside from those first weeks of raw grieving, isolation no longer appeals to me.

Bob taught me how to enjoy life to the max. I don’t know if enjoying life to the max is possible anymore, but I do know that while a certain level of solitude is necessary for me as a quirky solo lobo individual, isolation is no longer an option. I don’t necessarily crave social interaction, as most people do … but, having lived 44 years with a social butterfly and recognizing the importance of mingling with friends, I realize with the dawning of 2020, that I do need a comfortable level of social interaction.

I can still have my ‘alone time’ – which I do engage in on weekends with the 24 hour Shabbat Rest period, as well as the scheduled ‘Sunday Funday’ road trips, which I’ve reinstated into my monthly routines.

Both, the Shabbat period, and the road trips, are things Bob & I did together for decades. For the majority of 2019, these things had fallen by the wayside. Around October, I picked them up again, and have made a definite decision to keep them as part of my weekly routine: both activities are scheduled periods of reflective solitudes. My body, soul, and spirit need them. The Shabbat Rest is a time to reflect on the faithfulness & blessing of Elohim, and to remember the blessing of my marriage with Bob. The Sunday outings is a time to enjoy the splendor of Yeshua’s creation as I make my scenic drives and take in the beauty of surrounding nature, and enjoy new places and people watching.

WHAT IF I’M ANXIOUS ABOUT MOVING INTO THE FUTURE? (pg. 24)

“Cast all your care upon Him, because He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7)

I will keep that always in mind.

People let me down … Elohei never does. He will make sure I have what I need, when I need it.

I am no longer paralyzed by decisions – even simple ones – without Bob by my side. I was, in the beginning ... I was off-balance and trusting people who were more interested in taking advantage of my situation, than they were of walking alongside me and giving me respect and help I desperately needed. 13 months later, the widows-fog is dissipating: my thoughts are clearer, and I’m more confident.

I’ve always been frugal; and a quick learner. When Bob’s Social Security benefits were drastically slashed following his physical death, I prayed – reworked the budget and am doing okay financially. Cheryl’s husband Mike, & Bob’s youngest brother, Kerry, have been strong, stabilizing influences in my life throughout the past year: they were quick to jump in and help me with household responsibilities that Bob had always solely taken care of, and I now will be doing solo. Their help, encouragement, counsel, and assurances have helped me come to terms with my unfamiliar and uncertain future of manly things that need to be done to keep the house functioning properly, safely, and productively. They are trustworthy friends I know I can trust with assistance concerning specific tasks – and they don’t mind teaching me/coaching me in things I can do/want to do on my own – knowing these skills, and using them, cuts down tremendously on the anxiety triggers. They are men like Bob, who are realistic and honest in their availabilities to help. And I, likewise, am realistic in asking them for help – I pay for outside help when necessary (plumber, home repairs/repainting, gutter cleanup, ect.).

Elohim has been faithful; His grace is sufficient for me.

WILL IT HELP IF I GO TO GOD? (pg. 25)

Absolutely!

I have been a Christian … and relied on Elohei since 1965: 55 years.

“He is not a man, that He should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: has he not said, and shall He not do it? Or has He spoken, and shall He not make it good?” (Numbers 23:19)

“I will say of Adonai Yeshua, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in whom I trust’” (Psalm 91:2)

“For your Maker is your husband; Adonai Yeshua is His Name; and your Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall He be called.” (Isaiah 54:5)

There is no one better to go to … He does not lie; He is my shelter; He is my husband, now that I am a widow.

He is my all-in-all.

WHO WILL GUIDE AND PROTECT ME NOW? (pg. 26)

“But You, Adonai Yeshua, are a shield around me; my glory, and the lifter up of my head” (Psalm 3:3)

“For your Maker is your husband; Adonai Yeshua is His Name; and your Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall He be called.” (Isaiah 54:5)

I am a daughter of The Most High God, joint-heir with Yeshua: my Redeemer. My husband.

Elohei will guide and protect me.

I am in good hands, and good counsel.

I FEEL LOST RIGHT NOW; WHERE CAN I GO? (pg. 27)

Grief is exhausting. And, there are days when I feel I’ve gained ground … and days I feel I will never gain ground: there is no way of knowing how long my journey with Grief will last - or what my emotions will be on any given day.

Grief is an exhausting shell game ...

Yeshua, Himself, was a ‘man of many sorrows’ – He understood what ‘going it alone’ was: He left His home in glory, to come to earth to redeem mankind. For the first time in His existence, HE WAS ALONE. Sure, He had 12 disciples who followed Him everywhere He went, and hung into every word He said – and He was surrounded by crowds of people … but, He was alone. Yeshua understands how widows feel.

While, I am only human, and can’t redeem anyone – let alone myself; there are times I, too, leave my home and walk among the throngs of people to take care of personal business. Alone.

Except, for Yeshua – Who is always with me – I am totally alone.

Bob is no longer walking beside me. There is no longer anyone to share my time with, to laugh with, to give a spontaneous hug/smile to – to receive a spontaneous hug/smile from.

Sometimes grief is subdued. Sometimes grief is a sudden stabbing pain. But grief is always present. And in the midst of grief – no matter what stage – we widows need to be open to the “new normal” in our new life now. New “normals” like:

* Waking up when grief is not the first feeling we feel; not the first thought our mind remind us of.

* Eating a meal that actually tastes good again.

* Sleeping a complete restive night, and feeling refreshed in the morning.

* Smiling again, and laughing with real feeling.

Widowhood is hard. There are some ‘merry widows’; but I am not one of their numbers – I loved my husband; I am not looking to replace him. Living a solo lobo life again is a heavy load to carry after sharing my life for 44 years with the love of my life. When I feel lost – when I feel like I am slipping backwards again … I know I can go to Yeshua.

“Come unto Me, all you that labor under a heavy load, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of Me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30).

CAN I REALLY BE HONEST WITH GOD? (pg. 28)

YES!

I love the Books of Psalms & Job because reading them is reading someone’s personal journals – heartfelt, brutally honest, revealing notations of personal struggles that parallel my daily struggles. These passages of Scripture,  highlight actual real struggles in daily life, and the reliance of Elohei’s faithful graces and mercies that help my soul raise above my solo lobo sorrows.

It helps me understand that though I am feeling a level of loneliness in 2020 that I was not aware of in 2019, Elohei understands … and I can talk to Him directly and honestly about my personal struggles – no holds bar:  And He will hear me without censor, immediately comfort me, lend me His counsel & guidance; and give me the strength to persevere.

He is Almighty God.

My strength.

My provider.

My husband.

So, this Shabbat, I will enjoy a restorative rest with reflections of my husbands – my eternal husband – Yeshua; Maker and Creator of the Universe, earth, and everything pertaining to earth …

… and what remains of my earthly husband, Bob: my 44 year blessed gift from Yeshua:

 

I love you, Babe.

Always.

~OX