THINKING OF SPRING

Tonight, at midnight, will be the last of 2020 … and GOOD RIDDANCE!

Last night, before I shut FB down and closed the laptop, a notification of “People you may know” flashed across the screen.

A face I knew; a person I do not know.

The face is a blend of her father’s face – and my face.

But I do not know the person named.

I gave birth to a baby girl in Spring of 1975.

I do not know this person wearing my daughter’s face in December of 2020.

I used to know Stacey … I do not recognize jules: and I do not want to know that twisted persona.

My daughter is dead; she killed herself, and is trying to foist this twisted persona off as reality. It is NOT reality.

I will never recognize it.

My heart has been so broken/shattered with my husband’s physical death in December of 2018; my heart was further thrashed by Bob’s son, July 4^th, of 2019 (he is no longer in my life); and what was left of my struggling battered heart was subsequently wrung, and mangled, by our daughter July 1^st, of 2020.

With this latest episode of craziness … posted all over the internet, no less … for relatives and people who know us to SEE (I am shocked, angry, embarrassed, & blessedly numb – emotionally & heart-wise): my heart rate was off the charts, I was so stressed. I do believe she is trying to kill me off.

But, I will live, until Elohim calls me home.

The waves of change constantly knock me off my feet: everything in my life is changing so quickly – it’s enough to give me whiplash! But Yeshua lifts me up and keeps me balanced.

Devastated heart nevertheless.

I went to bed last night, praying for the strength to live a new life, devoid of everyone, and everything I ever knew.

This post is the last I will ever speak of this issue.

It is evilness. To speak of it would give it power – that I will never do.

I am glad Bob is not here to see the way the both kids have shredded the family.

When I wake up, the morning of January 1^st, 2021 … I will wake up as if my life with Bob never happened: no husband – no kids – old life blown to smithereens.

There is absolutely nothing left of my life with Bob; but memories.

2021 brings my New Life with the first rays of dawn.

I’ve never experienced this dawning before: it’s daunting.

It is going to require boldness; there is no place for tears in this new birthing.

It is necessity: the life I knew has no place for me in it anymore.

It requires want to to live life, fully; with no bleed-over from my previous life.

Yeshua! Give me the strength I need!

So …

As soon as I woke up this morning, I decided to make/bake bread; there is only 1 loaf in the freezer, so the bread is needed – and making bread is a good way to get rid of stressful tension: beating the hell out of the dough makes for nice loaves of bread 😉

I also did a couple loads of laundry, and received the first Spring Seed Catalog for 2021. Looking through it, I allowed my thoughts to entertain the idea of possibly driving to the actual seed source when it comes time to purchase seeds. It would be fun, but it would also be 2½ hours of freeway driving – I hate freeway driving, and avoid it at all costs (even going coastal route would include freeway at the tail end – and it would take an entire day to get there one-way).

But the coastal route would break my fledging wings in 😊

We’ll see what happens, come Spring.

While bread was cooling and loads of laundry were cycling between washer and dryer, I had the local radio channel on for weather updates (as well as background music) … and created another solitaire game layout – this time, in the form of Father Time’s scythe.

I get bored easily, so I have to keep things interesting 😉

MOD Solitaire Game; Father Time's scythe shape. Layout & play as a regular game. 1 ct. – face up; 2 ct. – 1 face down, 1 up; 3 ct. – 2 face down, 1 up; 4 ct. – 3 face down, 1 up; 5 ct. – 4 face down, 1 up; 6 ct. – 5 face down, 1 up; 7 ct. – 6 face down, 1 up; 8 ct. – 7 face down, 1 up.

 

December 31^st, 2020 is quickly coming to an end, and there are several things on my mind.

None of it looks bright and cheerful.

From December 2018 to December 2020, it has been adjustment after adjustment … and all of them have been hard adjustments.

I have to let Bob go …

My daughter is forever lost to me.

I think a shot of Fireball is in order. Cinnamon is a natural protector of the body – I could use that after the jolt my heart received last night. And whiskey actually helps the heart, while reducing stress and is a natural aid to fighting off colds: BONUS on ALL counts.

That’s my “truth”, and I’m sticking to it.

Fireworks are lighting the night sky.

Dawn, tomorrow morning, will usher in a new year.

A new year promise filled with possibilities.

I am eagerly anticipating Spring 2021.

I intend to go after every possibility Elohim has penciled into my future; if I want what He has for me: I DO.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYt78nZiiVY)

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jdLio8CiCk)

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TlRws5-Z8U)

I want peace.

I need peace.

I intend to have peace in 2021.

I am having Spring dreams 😊

Devastated heart nevertheless.

Life goes on … so will I.

64 Y.O. & KEEPING ON

I woke up very early this morning; I woke up just after midnight … and padded down the hallway to eat a teeny cupcake 😉

I don’t normally snack at the midnight hour, but I figured it would be okay this morning because this morning was a special morning 😊

And my body is beginning to feel like “a classic”, too 😉

All of me is exactly as Elohei created me: I wouldn’t change a thing about what my body is; or who I am emotionally and spiritually – I am “perfect”, just the way I am!

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRm3U0SQ4W0)

I ate that teeny cupcake while looking through the overhead skylight, watching the clouds drift across the moon; but the moon’s brilliance was so bright, that the gauzy clouds did not hide the radiant moon: the full moon glow was so bright it lit up the whole kitchen.

Full Moon seen through kitchen skylight.

Standing at the kitchen island, directly under the skylight letting the moon’s essence inside, I felt the night sky all around me: I like that.

Bob did good buying this house for us, in 2017; there are windows surrounding me on all sides … and two skylights overhead. I never feel confined by four walls and a roof.

The skylights bring the outside IN …

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyaHXAEvI04)

Looking up into the night sky, I wondered where Bob’s essence is – up there; viewing the moon from a different angle.

Bob always made my birthdays special.

I miss that.

But I am relearning how to make my days special – I’m finding “my groove”, again 😉

Around 2 PM, I entertained the idea of hopping in the car and grabbing a Chinese Supper for 1 … but I nixed that idea because I don’t want an ordered pickup meal – I want a sit-down-in house-restaurant meal; but was feeling too comfy to change clothes, fix my hair, and track down an open business that would not have on their menu what I was hungering for.

I settled for a Vanilla Coke, and some left-over fried chicken – and the canned radio DJ company. I like cola, and I like chicken, I liked the music filling the room, and I enjoyed the sporadic male tones when the DJ injected local tidbits, now and then (like 12” snowfall in the hills, and more expected tonight as the temps drop into the 20’s): it sufficed. I’ll finish off the 2 remaining teeny cupcakes in the ‘fridge, later on tonight 😉

Keeping to my daily routine of late, I designed another solitaire game – this one laid out in the form of a flat pan cake foundation (a birthday fancy 😉); and played as a normal game.

MOD Solitaire Game laid out in normal solitaire card piles 1 thru 8 – but in 2 rows, instead of a straight line: 1 ct. – face up; 2 ct. – 1 face down, 1 up; 3 ct. – 2 face down, 1 up; 4 ct. – 3 face down, 1 up; 5 ct. – 4 face down, 1 up; 6 ct. – 5 face down, 1 up; 7 ct. – 6 face down, 1 up; 8 ct. – 7 face down, 1 up.

Solo lobo happiness is not as much fun as shared couple happiness … but it can still be satisfying when you set your mind on being happy despite the circumstances.

The $$ saved by staying home will be set aside for anticipated Spring daytrips – and I’ll celebrate a belated birthday supper then, with my traveling buddy 😊

Yes – YES, I AM 😉

I do 😊

As a daughter of the Most-High God, I am greatly loved, highly favored, and abundantly blessed 😊

Life is good again.

This old hippie never expected to make it this far into the future.

I can't help myself. LOL

ANTICIPATING 2021 BLESSINGS

Yesterday I decided I need to up the game called ‘My New Life’; today I needed to think on some things – so, I went for a short hike on the dike.

But first, I had to drive into town to restock 2 of my vitamins that are running low. I ended up coming home with more than those two things, because once I got into town … I started thinking about New Year’s Eve creeping up on me … so I grabbed some ruffled chips and clam dip; and some chicken biscuit crackers with canned cheese: we always had that in the house for New Year’s Eve (in 44 years, we only went out once to join in the New Year’s celebrations; Bob preferred to avoid drunk drivers careening haphazardly down the highway, so we stayed home). 

The 1^st New Year without Bob was a teary blur – it passed without a notice.

The 2^nd New Year without Bob was drier … but, it also passed without notice.

This year, I am a little more engaged with what is happening around me, and I intend to munch chips and dip – and crunch crackers and cheese without any calorie guilt at all 😉

Valentine Candy on display already! December hasn't even ended.

Firework stands opening up all over town. The Park has been alive every night since Christmas, with booms and bangs

Loaded up on the good stuff for my body, and the comfort foods that make my body feel good, I aimed the car towards 48^th Street – where serenity lies.

Walked the Pacific Way Trail today. Lower end. Mallard ducks. And 2 or 3 Manky Mallards.

A Manky Mallard duck is actually a hybrid domesticated mallard duck.

Black headed-blue billed Greater Scaup's & White-headed Bufflehead ducks.

Bufflehead duck among the gray-bodied wild Mallards & Mallard hybrid ducks, that have been cross-bred.

Regular Mallard duck with a Bufflehead & a Mallard cross-bred duck.

MOD Mitts & the walking stick Bob found for me at a Bazaar 8 years ago. Bob also drilled a hole and threaded a nylon rope through for me.

Beautiful day to be walking. 37-degrees; but not cold.

Walking always loosens my body, restores calmness, and refreshes my spirit. At the moment I am only doing 1/3 of the trail hike, but it is enough to get some thinking time in 😉

I don’t get dolled-up to go walking: I’m not a fancy woman.

2021 is arriving quickly, and I've decided to be ready for whatever comes with it, for my life.

I want some happiness - I am determined 2021 will be a better year for me.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4QzUkcwD4k)

I will be moving into 2021 pretty much a free agent; all the way around. Just me, myself, & I.

I have to live the life Elohim gave me ... for me, now. There is no one else in my life anymore.

There are blessings in my new life too ... and I want them. I want to be happy again.

I am no longer at loose ends.

I have made peace with how things are, in my life.

I am at a place where I can seriously consider what life has in store for me, going forward.

And, I swear I could see Bob smiling.

I could hear the echo of his encouragement he said to me, in November of 2018; when he knew I would have to go on without him … and I was not sure I could. He said, “Honey, we both know that you will kick things around a bit, but once you make up your mind – it’s as good as done.”

It’s taken me 24 months of kicking things around in my head (and being kicked to the curb by in-laws, children/grandchildren, coupled friends, and every shyster out there trying to make a buck on my husband’s death) to get to the point of making the firm decision I reached the other day; and cemented this afternoon.

2021 will be full-steam ahead.

Elohim has been waiting for me to reach this point, so He can bless me abundantly.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3gdvc92EYY)

And both my Husbands (Yeshua, and Bob) will be so proud of me – cheering me on, and encouraging me every step of the way through 2021.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBuIBaDSOa4)

I am ready.

I will cross that line into my New Life 2021, at Midnight, December 31st, 2020.