… and heading into the great unknown.
Fog horns in the misty fog & raucous geese flying
over the house. These are the sounds that greeted my ears when my eyes slowly
opened this morning – where we bought this house, and where I live now solo, is
a busy thoroughfare for the geese; going out and flying in. I like the
heralding squawking of the geese … excited: like they are going on a great
adventure :-D
I like the sounds of Fall. Mystery riding the zephyrs
of November.
Ships passing in the fog; geese temporarily changing
locales.
Canadian Geese formation
Heading into the unknown.
And I am thinking, as I slowly wake
up, on where I would like my new life to go.
Comparing it to when the pilgrims left their homes,
boarded ships, and set their faces to look forward – into the great unknown.
And, too, when the pioneers left their homes, loaded their wagons, hooked up their
draft animals and looked forward – setting their determination towards unknown
& uncharted territory. That is how I feel my life is right now: my new
life, in which nothing of the old life is left.
What will 2020 bring to me?
I’m standing on the precipice of change.
But I am going to meet that change head-on; I’m
not gonna be scared of it – it’s something I have to do. So I can get on with
life the way Bob expects me to. And, there’s really nothing to hold me back.
The kids have always been rotten to me; they just
always have been. There’s really no real reason for it. There really isn’t
any reason for all this trauma drama. I always understood Alex’s hatred of me –
he exhibited a dislike at the beginning, and that morphed into a bitter hatred
as time progressed: he never accepted our marriage. He always treated me badly.
In his mind, he always treated me like I was the reason his parent’s divorced: that
isn’t true, but that is how he saw it; he was a child caught up in a
messy life situation. He was 4 years old when his parent’s separated for the
last/final time, and he was 5 years old when his father and I married. He never
grew out of the mindset that eventually his parents would reconcile and get
back together. That wasn’t reality then … and it’s not reality now. And of
course, it will never happen now because Bob is no longer among the flesh and
bone. That said, I always understood that hatred, and did my best to rise above
it and build a life where Alex was included in our life regardless of his
bitter hatred. He was Bob’s son; and I loved Bob.
Stacey’s hatred, I never understood. There
really isn’t any real reason for it, other than she saw Alex treating me
bad and jumped on that crazy train in a childish fervor to stand in solidarity
with her brother, whose attention she was trying to capture – she wanted Alex
to acknowledge her. He never did.
The kids are society’s children; they are petulant
brats that don’t think of anybody else – they stay focused on themselves. And
they nurse imagined hurts. It’s not right thinking.
All I KNOW personally … ALL I KNOW for certain …
is that Bob & I loved each other. We met while Bob was going through a
divorce; we fell in love & decided to build a life together. Bob had a 4-1/2
year old son from a previous marriage, who turned 5 shortly before we married:
and I got pregnant almost immediately after we married. Bob & I used to
laugh that before the ‘honeymoon week’ was over, Stacey was ‘on the way.’ And
we did the best we could – we were young; Bob was 24 & I was 17 – we were
forging a life: we were building it as we went along. As with all new things, and
new experiences, we were getting to know each other and raise a family. As
best we could. Building a life as we went along. Bob was maturing, I was
growing up; and Bob was helping me grow up. Bob was giving me a sense of
direction. I came from a family where there was no sense of direction; I was
raised in a bohemian/beatnik/hippie lifestyle; there was no direction; there
was no real discipline in that world. Bob was a stabilizing influence in my
life. He helped me become an adult … and I think I am a pretty good adult ;-)
Bob helped me “become” – and I helped him become also: we were 2 halves
coming together to make a whole.
We had children. And had twice, during the first 7 years of our marriage, dealt with Bob's death's (once from a blood clot that passed through a lung and killed him in front of me, & another the doctors never did find out why). And there was NO help from
either side of our extended family in helping with our children while I took care of Bob: there just was NO help. Bob’s
parents were raising children of their own from 8 to 14: and they were very
aloof people; my mother … there is no way I can begin to describe my mother:
she was never interested in being a mother – she just wasn’t ready to grow up
herself; and she let me know she wasn’t ready to be a grandparent. She flat out
told me that. She was a flight-by-night person; she liked to party: she liked
to go out, she liked to go to the bars at night, and house parties in the afternoons
… and she took her teenage children with her to the house parties. She just was
not interested in being a parent. And, Bob’s 1st wife, Gloria,
raised Alex the same way. My youngest sister – and my brothers too – have told
me that I am the only mother they ever knew. My sister Ramona left home at 14,
and she’s pretty much taken care of herself – which made her into a pretty
bitter person. She’s not a very likable person. I tried the hardest, and
longest with Ramona, because we are so close in age; but I gave
up on that after what she and her husband did to Bob last October. Ramona has
always been a cruel person … and she married an equally cruel person – and I
just couldn’t deal with it anymore while Bob was dying last October. What they did was
pretty bad & I cut them from my life; I won’t overlook their bad behaviors anymore.
Getting back to the kids … Bob & I did the best we could. We learned as we went along. Bob DIED TWICE and I had to give him
the majority of my attentions because we were in serious situations – it
could not be ignored to pamper the kid’s over-indulgent egos. Bob needed my
immediate attention if he was ever to heal. And we could expect no help from
either side of the family tree – our parents were inaccessible. I expected our
kids to understand; instead, they got stuck on themselves & they are on
perpetual life-long crazy-train pity-parties. Alex, always has been; as long as
I’ve known him, he’s felt sorry for himself and he made our lives miserable. He
hurt his father with the way he treated me and his sister. And he deliberately went
out of his way to hurt me and try to destroy my trust in his father after Bob
physically died. When Bob was walking among us in the flesh, I overlooked his
behavior for Bob’s sake: but when he started with me this past July, I just
couldn’t accept it anymore. So, when he gave me an ultimatum … I let him walk
away. And I have been enjoying the peace from that end. It has been very quiet,
and I like that.
I made excuses for Stacey because she is our
daughter, and I love her. She is our love child & was the apple of Bob’s
eye when she was born. He doted on her. She was Bob’s pride and joy … until she
was about 14. Things started changing about then and her angsts were getting
out of control. She was 16 when she stormed out of the house, screaming she
hated us and would never live under our roof again. I was terrified for her – I
remembered when Ramona left home at 14: I KNEW what Stacey would be facing. I immediately
sent Bob out looking for her and begging him to talk her into coming back home.
I said, “Bob, please! She’s only 16! She doesn’t understand what she is
setting into motion for the rest of her life. Everyone she thinks will be there,
won’t: no one is going to shelter her. All those people that told her to emancipate
herself are not going to be there for her. Try to bring her back home.” While
Bob was out looking for her and trying to talk her into coming back home, a
friend we had at that time, drove up the driveway and tried to help also – she was
a witness to what was happening. She could see that I was very upset: not for
how Stacey had been treating me, but I was upset because I was scared for my
daughter, for what she was doing to her life. I was hurt; but I was more
worried about my daughter because she didn’t understand what she was setting
into motion. The adults – her father, me, our friend – we all understood very
well what was happening: Stacey never came home. And her life has been in a
constant downward spiral ever since. She has just never accepted any responsibility
at all for where her life is now. And she has constantly blamed me. It’s not
logical. She will blame me until the day she dies, and she doesn’t know that
any help she got was because of me: I am the one that asked around about her to
see how she was doing. I am the one that tried to get her the help she so desperately
needed/needs. I am the one that funneled monies to her – ANY HELP SHE GOT
FROM HER FATHER was because of me. She never knew that – she doesn’t
know that help came from me because if she knew, she would never have accepted
it. She took it, always made sure in snide remarks that I understood her
father was helping her, and continued to snap at me; and I let it go because I
knew the truth. And she needed the help. It would have changed nothing if I told
her that I was the one helping her – she wouldn’t have heard it over the hatred
ringing in her ears. So, her father & I let it go over the years. When the
grandchildren came along, we helped with the raising of them when they were
infants, and the care of Alyna as she moved into the teen years – again,
help I gave because I love my daughter and my grandchildren.
Bob was done with Alex & Stacey years ago. I hung on, hoping they would eventually come around. They didn’t. And they probably never will.
Bob was done with Alex & Stacey years ago. I hung on, hoping they would eventually come around. They didn’t. And they probably never will.
ANY HELP the kids ever got ... came from
me; through their father. There was not
anything done that I was not aware of, and did not have the final word on. So, I KNOW the hurtful things the kids have been shouting at me
these past 10 months is utter bullshit.
I honestly do not know why our life has gone down
the path it has, other than Alex & Stacey have decided that their hatred of
me is more important than family unity. It’s unfounded hatred. It’s crazy
hatred. It is hatred that is eating them alive; they are both
miserable people that have made their family miserable. They both are
suffering debilitating illness that are the direct result of hatred running
rampant through their bodies – and they refuse to see that. Everyone else can
see that; doctors can see that, I can see that, their father saw that, people who
know us and have been watching the trauma drama for decades see that: but Alex
& Stacey will never see it. They will never acknowledge that they are the
problem and that only they can fix the problem by growing up and behaving like
civilized human beings: instead, they will continue to feed their anger and
bitterness, and whip themselves into insane furies. And they will continue to
deteriorate, because that is what hate and bitterness does. I can’t be a part
of that anymore.
I am done with it.
I won’t be their whipping boy anymore.
This time, I am doing the walking …
I have my own stuff I’m going through - I have to find a way to get through it. It's scary. It's frustrating, It's confusing. It's lonely. I AM DEALING WITH REAL ISSUES!
Bob's physical death is real.
My grief is real; the pain generated by the loos of my husband's presence in my life is a real and valid thing - it isn't something imagined or made up to get attention.
The kid's betrayal is real. It discredits them more than it dishonors their father - which it does.
The kid's emotional & psychological abuse towards me is real.
I AM DEALING WITH REAL ISSUES.
I am tired of carrying the kids' unrealistic and unrepentant shit.
Bob's physical death is real.
My grief is real; the pain generated by the loos of my husband's presence in my life is a real and valid thing - it isn't something imagined or made up to get attention.
The kid's betrayal is real. It discredits them more than it dishonors their father - which it does.
The kid's emotional & psychological abuse towards me is real.
I AM DEALING WITH REAL ISSUES.
I am tired of carrying the kids' unrealistic and unrepentant shit.
Both kids are narcissistic hostiles, and I need to move away
from that – I can’t deal with that ridiculous and hurtful nonsense right now. I
don’t want to deal with their unfounded hatreds anymore. I just don’t. It’s
unfair. It’s really unwarranted; and I don’t deserve it.
So.
I’m packing up all my emotions in that regard,
hitching up my wagon … and moving forward. I don’t know what the future holds,
but I know that it has to be better than what I am living now.
I know I am not the only person going through
this type of situation – it feels like it, for sure, but listening to & reading
some of the vocal declarations, & FB posts from other widows in the several
Widows Groups I am part of locally & globally, there are several people
going through similar situations & circumstance who are struggling like I
am. It’s sad, but I can’t allow myself to get sucked into the kid’s bratty hatreds
just because they are our kids. I just can’t do that.
I know I am not the only person in the world whose
family has disintegrated after death, I know I am not the only mother in the world
feeling the wrath of their children, I know I am not the only grandmother in
the world, that is not part of their grandchildren’s lives. It’s hurtful. It’s
unfair. It’s cruel. I can’t change that. I’ve tried over the years – I’ve
tried. But now, I’m just gonna quit trying. The kids & grandkids are
49, 44, 29, 24, 22 & 5 respectfully; they know where I live – they know my
phone number. They know what they are doing is wrong. Its up to them to change
it. But, if they ever shake themselves awake and decide to come around again, I
don’t think I will ever consider them trustworthy people – any of them.
And that’s sad.
But, this is my life; currently. And we’ll see
where it goes as I head into the unknown.
We’ll see where it goes.
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