Dawn was lighting the sky when I woke up this morning around 7:30 AM.
Today, January 1st, 2021, is the first day of the rest of my New Life.
I am stepping over that line; from my Old Life to my New Life.
I don’t know what’s in store for me … and maybe that is a good thing.
I can’t say I am happy making this step, but I am satisfied that I’m now at the place where I can make that step forward.
All of 2019 I was constantly looking for some remainder of my life with Bob.
I spent the majority of 2019 looking for resemblance/impression of Bob’s character in people; and places. And, he wasn’t there – the people that always hung around Bob (and the kids that only came around when they smelled extra $$$ available – though any $$$ they got, came to them from me: I held the purse strings: Bob’s decision Day 1 of our married life) didn’t know him. It was sad. These people had been in our lives for 44 years … but they didn’t know Bob. There was nothing recognizable of him, in them.
There was no impact, as there should have been.
They hadn’t loved him.
I could find no comfort in/with those people; comfort comes from love, and there was no love in them.
And places: finding Bob’s essence in places I visited, was slow to find.
Mostly because I was still shell-shocked: I wasn’t actively looking in places, yet. I wanted the warmth of people … and the warmth just wasn’t there.
All of 2020, I started getting comfortable being in the car alone for any significant length of time. I started figuring out/getting used to the GPS feature of the car. Once I realized I was actually driving for an hour or so without breaking out in tears, or breaking down and needing to pull over to calm down … I started planning Daytrips, and set off to look for any lingering essence of Bob’s spirit in those places.
(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/09/sundayfunday-20-deep-river-eden-valley.html)
And in some places, I did find it; but mostly, I was sad.
I was sad because once I arrived at the destination, I realized that the magic of the places we’d been to together, was because he had been there with me, in those moments: and Bob was no longer here. He was no longer with me ‘in the moment’.
The magic was gone.
That saddened me.
2019 & 2020, I was chasing after remnants of Bob.
But all there really was – was my memories of those remnants.
Of the people I had hoped could comfort me, no one else seemed to have had a real connection with Bob. And ghostly memories were the only things present in the places.
I found no comfort in people and places.
I found that even in a crowded room, or a busy place … I was still alone in a barren wilderness, devoid of any life sustaining abilities.
So, as I step into my New Life in 2021, I am literally starting out with nothing: no people, no places.
2021 will be all me.
And that is a weird place to be – I haven’t been ‘all me’ in 46 years. I was a couple from April 1974 to December 2018. I was a step-mother from August 27, 1974 to July 4th, 2019. I was a mother from May 1975 to July 1st, 2020. I was an active grandmother from 1990 to September 1st, 2018; there was still a tenuous connection until July 1st, 2020 … and a slim connection until recently.
That connection has been severed.
There’s no going back; there’s only a going forward momentum now.
And, surprisingly, I find that I’m ready.
I didn’t think I’d ever reach this point.
Being totally on my own is a weird place to me; for the majority of my life, I have always had people in my life.
It’s difficult to face this point of moving forward without figuring thoughts of Bob, or considerations concerning the kids, into the process at all points along the way; but Bob, while he was still present and could talk, gave me the encouragement to move forward. And the kid’s bitter angsts gave me the freedom to take this very important step forward.
I’m going to embrace the excitement and adventure in stepping across the line.
One of the things I want to expand on, is travel – I’d like to go to new places; places I’ve never been to with Bob. Places that will create new memories.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMVjToYOjbM)
I’ve always been a gypsy at heart: Bob’s the only person in my life who’s every been able to slow me down and keep me in one place long enough for moss to grow under my feet. Bob is the only person in my life that ever made me want to slow down, or stop long enough to let moss grow under my feet.
Of course, I’m not going to be a willy-nilly gypsy: I’m not going to sell the house, and live on the road. In my younger years, I would have happily done that – I even mentioned that to Bob a couple times. But Bob wasn’t interested in that type of lifestyle, and I was interested in Bob … so I settled down and he gave me a free hand when it came to domestication: we found a middle ground that kept us both happy on every level of our married life. Living like a gypsy on the road may have worked in my teen/young adult life … but that won’t work now, in my adult Senior life.
Some people do do that – I’m not that type of person anymore. I got used to being settled. I got used to having roots; and even though those roots have been seriously uprooted the last 24 months/18 days/5 hours & 25 minutes, I like knowing there is someplace I can ‘nest’ – even gypsies need to hole up somewhere, at some point 😉
So, I’ll keep the house and keep it maintained.
The house will be my compass: my homing roost 😊
Even though I’ll be traveling, I don’t think I’ll be traveling too far from home (1) it’s just no fun traveling that far from home without Bob (2) there’s no reason to go too far from home – the places I wanted to experience, I only wanted to experience with him. And he’s not here. He’ll never be here again.
And really, the want to travel (Sunday~Funday Daytrips, spur-of-the-moment-roadtrips, ect.), is my idea; I don’t feel that Elohei is motivating me to do that. And going forward, I want to be 100% in Elohei’s Will – whatever He wants to do with my life, for my life, I’m open to/okay with. I’m not feeling an urge to give into wanderlust any further than a 5 to 6 hour radius: that covers a LOT of territory in which to have a lot of fun.
In this, my New Life … if I’m not feeling it: I’m not gonna be doing it. The only person I have to consider/please now, is me-myself-& I.
I will be moving forward, but I won’t be moving forward recklessly.
I won’t be overly cautious either.
I’ll be centered – I want to be in the center of Elohei’s Will.
That is where the blessings are: that is what I want.
I’m moving forward a better person for knowing Bob and sharing most of my life to date, with him.
Things I wasn’t sure I could do; I now know I can.
In faith, I’m stepping over the line a better, and more confident person because love never fails: Bob’s love taught me to trust, and Yeshua’s love gives me the faith to trust that trusting God’s Will, will make my New Life a success.
I love You, Yeshua: thank You for Your supporting love, and Your strengthening grace to embrace the passion of life again.
I love you, Babe: thank you for everything you taught me, and the unwavering love you lavished on me ~ OX
