BLINDLY MOVING FORWARD

The title of my Blog tonight was a real reality this afternoon.

I was blind.

I was driving blind (I had no choice).

Blindly moving forward was not fun: it was downright scary.

My glasses broke at Deer Island – they hit the blacktop, and broke cleanly apart at the bridge point.

As soon as I heard them hit … I knew, from the way the hit sounded … that they were hopelessly broken.

I picked up the pieces, and was relieved to see that the lens’ were still intact – and they weren’t scratched: but the frame was beyond repair.

Major snafu!

How was I going to get to back to Longview?

How was I going to safely cross that bridge (the bridge is always backed up with bumper-to-bumper traffic).

There was no one to lean on. 

There was no one to call.

There was just me, and the scary concept on driving blindly.

I must have sat in the car for at least 20 minutes considering how to safely get back home; before calling Dr. Tack’s Office and asking if they could squeeze me in if I managed to get back to Longview, WA, safely.

The receptionist kept telling me that Dr. Tack has back-to-back appointments into the middle of November.

And I kept telling her I wasn’t needing an eye exam … I just need to get a new pair of glasses.

I finally hung up on her; and braved the drive home – on a hope and a prayer.

Deer Island, OR from Longview, WA; 24 minutes via US-30 E

Thinking the whole drive back to Washington, from Oregon, would be a miracle if cars weren’t wrecked and injuries were avoided.

I was literally driving blind: without my glasses, I can see fuzzy outlines – but that’s it.

I was also thinking that I really need a partner in my life.

If Bob were still walking this Earth, he would have been with me … and getting back to Longview, would not have been a concern: he would have taken the wheel, and drove us there.

Or … if he had stayed home … he would have come to get me with a buddy; who would have driven Bob to Deer Island to collect me, and get me to Dr. Tack’s.

And, if I had someone in my life now, it would have been the same scenario.

But, as it is – there’s just me. 

No one to lean on.

No one to call.

No help, in a pinch.

This afternoon was a scary interlude in my life, to date.

I’m not going to downplay that.

It was very concerning.

Around Rueben, Oregon, I put half my glasses on my face - and covered my weak eye to bring some kind of focus into play. It helped.

Most people have people in their lives, on a daily basis: that care about them – people that are ‘there’ for them when moments like today come up: my person resides beyond the clouds, now. 

The entire 25-minute drive back to Longview, I prayed Elohei would be my eyes; and get me across the Columbia River – and across downtown Longview to Dr. Tack’s Office, safely: for myself … and for those other drivers who had no idea the risky circumstances that were unfolding along the highway; from here to there.

I did make it safely to my destination: and the technician there was able to fix me up with another pair of glasses (same lens/new, whole frame): the warranty clause was waved (warranty ended 3 months into the broken frame ownership), and I didn’t pay a single red cent to have my lens shifted 😊

I need a partner in this life.

New. Everything is being fast-forwarded to a new phase ...

While I had been waiting for repair work to be completed, I mulled over the remarriage issue.

Bob wanted it.

My friends have been praying for it.

I have been avoiding it.

 Kenny Rogers: ‘Goodbye - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HsAluBAySI

Maybe now, it’s time to think on it.

I did cry thinking about remarriage.

Situations have been arising that point toward the necessisity of that direction.

I cried because I will never deny Elohim His Will; I may drag my feet – and put off the inevitable for as long as I possibly can … but in the end, what is meant to be, will be.

I cried because Bob is still my man.

He’s my man: always has been.

He will always have a huge part of my life, and heart, that no one else will ever have.

But I need someone in my life: I need someone living, in my life.

And, because I am a Christian … shacking up with someone is totally out of the question.

I want to avoid knee-jerk responses to situations.

My life is a mess - better than it was in 2019 & 2020; but still a bit of a mess.

 

Currently, my life is a whole lot better than it was; but it’s still a crap shoot as far as page turning in the next chapter of my new life story.

I don’t want to answer questions of why there are no family members in my life: my siblings/Bob’s relatives/our kids, and grandkids. (1) Nothing will change with the telling (2) I shared it with Bob – it’s our business (3) it’s my private business, and I really don’t share what I do know, with anyone (even Bob only got a fraction of it, but not all of it).

I am secretive about my early life – and secrets are messy.

I have friends: good friends in my life; but they have a life apart from me. Our lives dove-tail – but our lives do not make a whole, like life with a special someone. They are friends … period.

I haven’t seen some of my siblings in 3 years; decades for the majority of them. I can’t honestly say that any of us actually miss each other. Sad, but true.

Bob’s relatives are standoffish: they don’t reach out. They are cordial when I contact them … but, on their own, they do not make a connection. We only had Bob in common – and Bob is no longer here.

My kids’/grandkids’ current lives are train wrecks, barreling out of control.

And even though they are not in my life in the moment (their choice, not mine) – that could change. And if they come back into my life (even in a sliver of space), all their crazy train baggage will be dragged with them: I couldn’t, in good conscience, dump those messes in a stranger’s lap. It was hard enough for Bob and I to face/deal with. And personally; I’m just d.o.n.e. with the immature blame-game tirades. I just want a peaceful end game at this point in time, in my life.

Even if there was someone who would risk the crazy train derailments to share life with me, I wouldn’t allow anyone else making judgments on my kids/grandkids when they eventually show their asses, and start acting like asses – and I wouldn’t want someone dictating to me how much space I allow Bob’s memory to remain in my life; those two things would be a big deal/deal breaker with me.

Rare relationship.

All that said, something has gotta give.

 

Given the dicey situations I’ve found myself in these past weeks, I can’t fall prey to fear and spend the rest of my life sitting at home, trying to avoid life’s pitfalls (like the flat tire, broken eyeglasses, ect.).

And I can’t remarry in a knee-jerk reaction to life’s pitfalls.

I realize that days, like today, require a partner to share life with.

I am thankful Elohim was gracious this afternoon; everyone on the road lived to get to their destination.

But, I wouldn’t want to repeat today’s scary episode of blind solo lobo experience.

Maybe it’s time to think on Bob’s request that I live a life full of all that life has to offer.

That thought hurts my heart.

And, while I have new glasses again … and things before me aren’t as fuzzy; I’ll still be blindly moving forward if Elohim sets my feet on the path to remarriage.