I WON'T BACK DOWN

Thursday, August 15, 2019

SOME DAYS ARE HARD TO ORGANIZE



This month – 14 days from today – will be the 1st year anniversary of that horrible day that led to the ER visit … that led to my husband’s physical death December 14th, 2018.
It is difficult.
One of his killers are still in the Park. I can’t escape seeing her – she has ingrained herself into EVERY event happening here; which means that I leave the Park to find entertainment opportunities, and socialization engagements. I don’t want to be around her, if I don’t have to be.
I have spread my wings since march 2019, and have learned to go to places we used to go – and to new places we have never gone together.
I revisit {our} places, because I don’t want to forget those memories; and I must come to terms with being comfortable in them: they are unavoidable, as they are local, and I do not want to relocate.
I go to new places because I like adventure … and Bob would want me to get on with living until I join him in that celestial city beyond the clouds; later on.
But, no matter how busy I keep myself – or how often I get out of the house – or how many times I engage in solo activities … I STILL COME BACK TO A HOME HE NO LONGER LIVES IN: He will never walk through that door with me; he will never inhabit any of the rooms of our home, or our bed again.
THAT I cannot escape/change/or manipulate.
People telling me to do what I am already DOING is not helpful.
And it changes nothing.
At some point, I pray, that I can live fully … without being dragged BACK to December 14th, 2018.

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