So ... I missed the Social
Security Administration call because the Cremains Boxes arrived today and I was
dealing with that - the reason for the missed call. When I returned the call as
requested, the woman on the other end was an outsourced person - seriously: one
would THINK that when dealing with Americans concerning American benefits, one
would get an American on the other end of the call that could talk English
easily understood >:-P
Anyway.
I had to reschedule
because apparently while the Social Security Administration person IS ON THE
LINE taking my personal information, and "the appointment scheduled was
missed" ... the SSA person ALREADY ON THE LINE cannot (or will not) finish
the interview until another phone appointment is scheduled. Does that even make
sense to rational and logical thinking people? How hard can it be to finish up
what has already been started? How can 5 minutes here or there possibly upset
the delicate balance of a "yea" or "nay" decision already
made by the SSA? Government morons, what more needs said ...
New appointment will be February
25th, same time - same place. Hopefully a different government moron more
willing to do what needs to be done without undue nonsense.
That said, this is how my
morning hours went; thank You, Yeshua, for blessing me with good friends that
are coming later on this week, when the weather warms up, to help me do what
needs doing:
Cheryl & Pam are coming later on this week, when the weather permits, to help me fill the cremains box and little urns. They are good and faithful friends – true blessings.
I really do have to learn to stand on my own; and
learn to live confidently again – wholly and self-sufficiently; with Yeshua’s
help, of course.
My husband’s family has tried to be supportive
and helpful, but they are getting tired and perhaps a little frustrated at my
continual need for help. All I can say is this … we did not plan on his
dying: before that fateful day in August, neither of us had any idea that he
would die – we were as surprised as the rest of them when it started happening:
and did happen. We certainly would not have chosen the holiday season (Labor
Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving & Christmas) as {the time} for his exit from
our life and this planet.
There were valid reasons my husband did
everything for me – I am sorry that they cannot understand that; and I am sorry
that it was a necessity (because he had
died in 1981 and was totally dead for 25 minutes, his brain occasionally misfired; it was important that he be
able TO DO and FEEL VITAL in the doing: I let that happen knowing that I was hindering
myself – but I loved him and wanted him to feel he was still the man I married;
and 95% of the time he still was). My husband’s family is very blood-bond
conscious – I have never been a blooded family member … I was always referred
to as “Bobby’s wife”: his family is just weird that way; no spouse is ever
embraced and that is why there is so much marital strife and divorce in that
side of the family. We determined early on not to allow them to divide us; his
mother did try mightily the entire time we were married. And his sisters never
did embrace me as a sister; though they did, on rare occasions include me in
their conversations – but there was never any ‘coffee-time-chat-sessions’ get-togethers, no friendly invite to
join the sisterly shopping jaunts, no spontaneous chatty phone calls that did
not include specific cut-n-dried family business convo, no over-night
sleepovers or birthday invites with cousins for our daughter … though room was
made for my husband’s son AFTER the divorce between my husband
and his 1st wife (ex-wife shunned
when ‘wife’, and no longer a family threat as a spouse, was nonetheless welcomed
back into the family fold like a long lost daughter by MIL and SIL’s and I was
treated as the interloper! Crazy, I know). All of our married life, my
husband and I knew that we were not truly acknowledged as a couple – even as
late as this past September 2018 (http://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2018/09/fall-cleanup-and-forgiveness.html).
That is a sad commentary on them.
And now, when I desperately need family to come
around me and help me move forward to do what I must now do alone - and need support while I relearn to live confidently and productively again; there is no one, familywise, to turn to. Sure - they were there
during the final dying moments, but now that my husband has been dead for what
they consider long enough to move on without tripping up, they feel I should “get
past that; and leave it with Jesus”; seriously.
This has actually been said to me
recently by my eldest SIL - they feel they have done their part … and they
are ready to move on: he has only been gone from our 44 year life together 1 month,
23 days, 6 hours and 32 minutes … and the family umbilical cord is being
severed as I type. I am being cast adrift without a backward glance, to sink or
swim. I have left my husband in Yeshua’s hands and bosom, but I do not think I
will ever get over the hole in our life’s tapestry: I will learn to live with
the tear, but I do not believe I will ever “get past” that gaping hole. To “get
past that” would mean to forget him and our 44 years together – and I can never
do that. Never.
And the kids/grandkids? They have lives of their
own to live and tend to: they do call; but a phone call is not a physical hug/physical
p.r.e.s.e.n.c.e. And physical presence is what is missing. My husband’s son, to
be honest, has been very helpful when I call for help … but for how much
longer? He has no real ties/obligations to me – the only ties … and they were tenuous
at the best of times … he had to me at all, were effectively cut with his
father’s physical death. When he comes
to help, it is a real 4 hour sacrifice for him: 2 hours to, and 2 hours back
again: soon the trips to help me learn what I need to learn about house maintenance
on my own, will end. I know I need to learn … and crash-course-style; but I
learn best by being shown and then doing again and a.g.a.i.n. until it all “clicks”
– THAT takes active participation on everyone’s part. My husband understood
that about me. Everyone else is struggling to understand that about me.
My siblings? It’s an on-and-off thing; mostly
off: again, the ‘Christian’ vs ‘pagan’ issues. The last time I saw my younger
sisters was in October 2018 and November 2018 respectively – separate occasions
at the local hospital. The last time I saw my younger brothers was 12 years ago
for one … and 23 years ago for the other. All the occasions were brief, and all the occasions except the November 2018
hospital visit with my youngest sister, were contentious: their behaviors,
not mine. They are proud pagans who vociferously let me know how uncomfortable
they are around me. Again, a sad commentary on them, as well as the other
family branch.
Friends? Thankful for them! Could not have made
it this far in my ‘alone walk’ without them.
But, again, they have their lives to live, and
the help I need to learn to stand and walk on my own, will eventually become a frustrating
obstacle. I need to learn fast. I need …
I need; and there is not enough time to learn it all before I am cast
adrift. Again.
I do not think any of them actually realize what
it feels like to have half the heart amputated: NONE OF THEM have yet suffered
the loss of a spouse – divorce is not the
same thing: it does not even come in as a close second loss. My eldest SIL
said to me recently while we were talking, “with
everything else I am going through, I am glad I do not have to deal with the
death of someone I love – at least I don’t have to deal with that. Oh, I am
sorry! I hope I didn’t offend you”. Well, I wasn’t offended; but I was
momentarily stunned at the insensitivity. But, again, that is my husband’s
family – they are insensitive people totally wrapped up in themselves and
speaking without thinking. My husband used to be the same way before we started
building our life together – he changed his attitude and behaviors when he
learned to truly love … and enjoyed being
loved by me. I think it is too late for his family to change. 44 years has
not shown them the necessity for change. They think they don’t need to change.
For anyone. Or for anything. So they are for the most part, sadly alone.
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