NOW WHAT?

The decision has been made, but it’s not that easy to do.

The looming question remains, “Now what?”

THAT has not changed.

I do have some ideas that I will start working through in 2020 – but those things will take time to work out; and while I do have lots of time on my hands … I’d kinda like to get the ball set in motion and rolling: sooner, rather than later, now that I have decided to embrace my new life, and get moving in that direction.

After all, I’m not getting younger (having just passed another birthday marker yesterday, and every minute counts.
(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/today-is-my-birthday-d.html)

I think the best course of action, until something {clicks} and momentum kicks in, is to make a Monthly Bucket List – and check things off as the days, weeks, and months pass.

Whatever I do though has to be done on a frugal shoestring budget: I can do that; Bob and I did that for 44 years, and we had a pretty good, fun, adventurous life :-D Admittedly, the shoestring was shortened significantly before 2018 fizzled out; but, I am not in dire straits financially, and with calculated planning and careful saving up for big events, I believe I can pull it off ;-) After all, that was one of my major contributions to our marital success: I planned, “found” the $$$, and Bob got us to our planned destinations.

The thing is … I always did those things AS A COUPLE. My fun and good-time-adventures were shared happenings/events: that is not the case now. My husband is no longer here; the things we enjoyed aren’t as appealing as a solo lobo: situations are more complicated and circumstances have been severely altered. Also, it’s been a loooong time between 1974 solo events and the lobo limping of 2019: the one thing I for sure learned all of 2019 is that I am not sure HOW to go about setting up a lifetime solo lifestyle. The tail end of 2018 was surreal – all of 2019 was a limbo land in which I moved through in survival mode, barely engaging in actions or peopling interactions. 2020 is literally hours away … and I will be stepping into space, hoping to land someplace acceptable and accommodating to my new life.

I will be leaving behind every hoped for adventure Bob & I planned to do before our life together ended in a hospital room, in another State: we did hope to do more traveling (even got enhanced passport driver's licenses), but his physical dying was not ever {The Plan}: we never saw that happening coming down the Pike. WE will NEVER go on another fun filled daytripping adventure, together. I will be shelving memories of shared adventures (until appointed grieving periods set aside specifically for remembrances) for the time being. ALL my future fun, adventures, and memories will be made as a solo lobo

(https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/making-time-to-smell-roses.html). Bob won’t be a part of any of it, now.

It’s scary.

And people don’t understand why I am second-guessing myself.

I never second guessed myself before becoming a Widow. Before widowhood, I always knew exactly what I wanted – and 99% of the time, got it. I knew as soon as I set eyes on Bob that he was {it}: I wanted him! I had to wait 7 years to get him, but as soon as he crossed my path again and made himself available: I SNAGGED HIM. LOL. I knew the kind of life I wanted – I shared that desire with Bob: and we made it happen; Bob gave me a good life full of faithful and devoted love, and creature comforts that suited us and our income. We had a good life together for 44 years. I have a good life now, all things considered.

But, my new life has me second-guessing myself: A LOT. Too much, really; and every decision I have to make. I am not comfortable with the second-guessing. I got comfortable having Bob in my life to share things with: I got used to joint decisions. It felt good to have someone to share my life with – ALL my life.

Solo loboing can be liberating … but it can also be daunting.

Which begs the question, a.g.a.i.n.: “now what?”

Hopefully the dawning of January 2020 will shed some light, and bring some answers.