SOME SEMBLANCE OF HOLIDAY CHEER

This time, last year, was filled with so much emotion.

The local hospital here was bustling with activity as Bob was prepared by his medical team for his journey across the Columbia River to OHSU, in Oregon. Bob had refused the recommended blood transfusions – and I stood by that decision: it was his decision to make, and he was making decisions concerning himself, as long as he was able.  I respected his wishes; and his assigned medical team respected his wishes also, even when they strongly disagreed.

Around 11:26 AM, we got the word that Bob would be ferried via ambulance to OHSU within the hour. We were both apprehensive – there were no guarantees, and Bob was in a critically fragile condition. When the ambulance crew showed up in Bob’s room, and started setting the gurney up, and getting Bob ready to be transferred from the hospital bed to the ambulance gurney, they asked Bob how he wanted them to precede: they had been apprised that Bob had an active DNR Order in effect and they needed to be clear on how he wished the trip to OHSU to go forward. They asked him if he suffered a heart attack enroute, would he want CPR and other life-saving actions to go into force … Bob said, “No.” I heard his decision, and supported it. It scared me, but I wasn’t bound by fear – I knew Bob was bound for Heaven whenever that would be; but I didn’t know if I would be meeting my husband or a notification he had passed enroute, once I reached OHSU, myself: Bob’s son, Alex, would be driving me to OHSU and spend a few minutes with his father before heading back home to Salem, OR.; I can drive … but I thought it wiser if I didn’t, given the emotional upheaval I was dealing with.

When we arrived at OHSU, Bob had made it safely, and had been installed in his room there:

I was thankful I had not been greeted by unwelcome news.

Before the night was out, Bob was in an ICU ER downstairs with escalated heart palpitations; and out of sorts temper-wise – Bob had not been comfortable with change since he died the second time in 1981. He was in another State; and though he was as familiar with Portland as he was with Longview, he was in another hospital that he was not familiar with, in a situation he could not control. He felt powerless. He was not a happy camper and was snapping at everyone; including me.

I did what I thought best to snap him to of his funk, and said, “Bob, if you do not want to be here, we can go back home – right now. It is your choice. You do not have to be here if you don’t want to be.” That calmed him down. He basically just needed to know that he was still in control of his life and what happened with it.

For that afternoon, this time last year, things were going according to plan, despite the holiday pall that hung over our heads.

And this year, right now, I am taking control of my life and what happens with it …

And I’m desperately trying to revive some semblance of holiday cheer to buoy my sorrowing spirit – the first Christmas tree of the season has made its appearance at the end of my street here …

  

I saw this lit up tree walking through my livingroom ... so I put on my shoes and went outside to see it up close and personal ;-)

 

I walked around the Park this evening; there aren’t many homes lit up right now, but it was fun to spot the ones that were. 

… and I will be putting my own Christmas décor in place next week. I don’t feel comfortable around people yet during this holiday season (it doesn't take much right now for me to dissolve into tears), but I DO LIKE Christmas décor all around me for my birthday ;-)