WALKIN’ IT OUT IN 2 COUNTIES

There are times you just need to distance yourself from the world’s insanity and find some peace of mind.

Yesterday was such a time.

It makes me sad to lose people in my life (because I am very careful letting anyone into my private space – trust issues); and I’d lost one Sunday afternoon – the covid-19 hysterical fear started her withdrawl … and the animalistic riots with city burnings, lootings, and racial violence just cemented it. I don’t spend all day glued to the idiot box, drinking in and swallowing demoncrat swill; I don’t believe everything my kids tell me simply because they are my kids, and they are telling me what they perceive given their own political leanings.

By the time her call to me ended Sunday afternoon - and she'd let me know how she'd felt for months; I looked at the blank screen on the phone and wondered why we were even friends … she let me know there was nothing about me that makes her glad we were friends – I’m too loud (my voice hurts her ears), I’m too opinionated (I don’t agree with her, and I don’t think she’s the voice of God because she listens to dr. phil and oprah all day long), I’m too vocal (she’s an introvert and I am not introvert enough for her comfort), I’m too animated (I make her dizzy), she hates Trump and doesn't understand why I don't (uh ... I'm AN ADULT. I don't have to explain myself to anyone), I’m a Christian (she is not – her faith is in science and humanity, which will always fail).

In short, I’m too MUCH ME for her comfort.

Wow.

All I could think was, “Why bother calling me at all and bring up topics you know we will not agree on, if you just want to hear your own voice; and live in your own head?”

I’m 63 years old – I have been out of school for a loooooong time … and even in school, I never followed the herd mentality: I was always an individual; with individual thoughts and individual actions.

Bob understood that about me.

Bob loved that about me.

My lifelong friends – now laid to rest for several years – understood that about me.

Real friends don’t try to control you and force you to behave the way they decide you need to behave so they “feel comfortable”: aka: they want to dominate you.

I don’t even let my kids treat me badly.

Real friends love you BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE – that is what drew them to you in the first place. And THAT is like any relationship that involves real love.

If a {friend} does not allow for disagreement, individual thought and opinions; and flat out tells you that you stress them out because you are not wanting to “fall in line” and be in solidarity with anarchy (or any activity you find objectionable and destructive) … it’s time to let them walk if they want to walk away. They are shallow people, wanting their own way; and wanting to mold you into their opinion of acceptability.

They will never be satisfied – and there will never be enough that can be done to make you acceptable in their eyes.

I am trying to sort out - and rebuild my life after my husband's spirit left this Earth 17 months/28 days/7 hours & 46 seconds ago ... I do not need someone else deciding for me how to 'become'.

So, yesterday I woke up knowing I was going to get out for Dodge for the day to shake off the blue mood (I loved her – I will miss her; but not enough to let her heckle me); I left home in Cowlitz County a little after 9 AM for Toledo, and crossed into Lewis County a little out of Castle Rock – reaching Toledo’s South County Park at 10 AM.

Crept past a County Crew topping trees, out Coal Creek Road.

Back way to Toledo

Cowlitz and Lewis Counties Boundary Lines

Backroad way

Crews laying line this side of Toledo - thick, bulky, and orange ...

The morning air the breezed through the Park was refreshing after the night’s rainfall.

Though Bob & I had many times visited this little Park in Toledo, we never walked the trails … and I only walked one trail – half way; one time, with Cheryl & Pam last Fall: today, I decided to try another trail and see where it went. It didn’t go far – it ended a short way along the riverside Park perimeters, and cut back into the Park via a short, rough footpath that wound around the outside perimeters.

Little yellow mushrooms dotted the grass everywhere …

Restrooms were open. Some parks still have their restrooms locked tight.

New trail ... for me, anyway.

Trail led to the outer perimeters of the Park. Bob & I would have laughed together ...

Both sides of the lake were busy...

The blackberry brambles were in full blossom.

It only took half an hour to go around the entire Park … that includes the elk trail adventure. The time was 0.06 miles: very short.

But it was a nice morning walkabout, out of town.

Leaving Toledo, I decided it was really too early to go back home and start dealing with the new day’s political madness running like wildfire over this Nation; so, I extended my day’s outing by taking the Mt. St. Helen’s crossover road – I had ¾ tank of gas when I turned off onto that road with a hope and a prayer ;-)

Mt. St. Helen’s crossover Road.

There was wide open flat land for miles on the Mt St Helens Road; good farmland.

This interesting named road sign kinda tweaked my weird sense of humor …

Baby fawns: twins! Mama doe split first, and will find them as soon as they hit the bushes too. They were all standing in the road with Mama taking inventory, when my car spooked the little family.

I'll take the West Toutle – it leads homeward.

This is a general idea of where I’ve been this afternoon.

Backward glance at where I had just come from … and where this crossover road leads.

Turning towards home, I take a right; off of the Mt. St. Helens crossover Road from Toledo.

By the time I reached familiar territory at Tower Road road in West Toutle, I had only burned about ¼ tank of gas :-)

Tower Road is starting to slide, and there was a bit if a rough patch of a bad repair job (it slid pretty good), but I don’t think I jarred the car’s undercarriage too badly – I was careful driving over the rough patch; letting Bob’s words in concerning situations like that, run through my mind.

Tower Road is a nice backroad county drive – I’ve always enjoyed that road. Tower Road road melds into Spirit Lake Highway in Castle Rock, coming in on the backside of Drew’s Shell Gas Station/Minit Mart.

I’d only ever been in the Toutle area, and up the Spirit Lake Highway with Bob:  last September was my first solo daytrip that way – it went good. I’ll be going that way more often; not to see the volcano (Mt. St. Helen’s is just an ugly shell of herself now; and it doesn’t excite me), but to drive the backroads ;-)

I’m on familiar territory here.

Can you seeing me Baby: I DID hear you ... and I am drawing on everything you ever said to help me along my way. I love you ~ OX

Drew’s Shell Station & Minit Mart. Back in Cowlitz County again.

It was still early in the day – not quite noon yet; so, I decided to try the dike hiking trails in Castle Rock …

I was curious.

And once my curiosity is tripped … it’s in full out adventure mode ;-)

The dike hike was a new thing – Bob and I had planned to do that together, but life plans changed suddenly in the Fall of 2018, and by the Winter of 2018 those plans would never materialize because Bob was no longer on this Earth: my husband would never again walk by my side.

But, I did the hike yesterday.

And it went okay.

Even if it was 70-degrees H.O.T.

I’m still not used to Bob being physically gone – but solo loboing is getting easier.

Day by day; step by step.

An emotional moment at the start of Castle Rock’s Dike Hike Trail.

What a colorful boulder! I like stuff like this :-)

And another one too ... this picture does not do the coloration justice – there was bright splashy yellows and a pretty baby blue – the blue was what I had hoped to capture.

Riverside color along the trail - california Poppies, Foxgloves, Wild Daisies, Dandelion, Wild Sweet Peas ...

Street-side/Parking Lot area had been planted with rose bushes; the heady, pungent scent of the red Wild Roses was worth risking a deep breath for!

I learned something new today about a town I really like.

Decision time …

Bridges & overpasses make me nervous.

I prefer gravel roads; this one is supposed to tie in at the Bike Park.

I veered off onto a gravel road because it looked like it would add extra mileage to the hike … and it DID, in an unforeseen way ;-)

Backtracked to the Park’s Bike Park …

I researched ‘Biosod’ when I got back home – apparently, ‘Biosod’ is a Trademark Name for Biograss from a Utah Sod farm. Hmmm.

I had an enjoyable walk along the trail, and I know I’ll be going back. I have always liked Castle Rock; the hiking trail is another reason to spend the day in that small community :-D

Yarder tower.

River beach accessed through Camelot Mobil Home Park, off West Side Highway – across the river.

EEWW! A sewer outfall is any pipe or conduit used to carry raw sewage, or treated sewage, to its final point of discharge into a body of water. Disgusting … and people SWIM & FISH (for food purposes) IN THAT RIVER!

Castle Rock 1933 Flood Plaque.

Copy of the 1933 Castle Rock Newspaper Page covering the flood.

Background info on the 1933 Castle Rock flood.

Skinny footpath to the river ...

Leaving Park perimeter and entering the Castle Rock's Lion's Pride Park - a pubic fishing-picnicking area.

Taking a short break and looking downriver to how far I have to backtrack to the car.

Return hike loop past Castle Rock’s Pioneer Memorial.

Castle Rock’s Pioneering Families listed.

HOT! The shade feels good!

The darkening clouds look pretty ominous – I was only wearing a light tee ... it did cut loose while I was on West Side Highway, headed home.

1 of castle Rock’s founding businesses: Robin's Wood Shingles Mill.

 3.4 mile hike – 1 Hr-30 mins loop hike.

Next time I’ll be taking my walking stick with me so I can get to the top of that hill trail ;-)

AMERICANS NEED TO GET OFF THE CRAZY TRAIN

Lake Hike.

Even though it rained, we all enjoyed the walk around the Lake. Most of the hikers are around my age, but Ed & Trudy are 78 & 76: and still going strong.

Bill, from Castle Rock, hiked with us this morning; he is also a member of an Oregon hike club – and he is leading a local group this month; but I am not going on out-of-town hikes unless I know exactly where we are going and how to get there. I’ve done the frog-hopping-freeway-caravans … and got hopelessly lost when other vehicles on the freeway cut me off from the caravans and we lost sight of each other: NOT looking forward to that again; so, while the destination sounds like it would be a lot of fun, I will be sitting this particular hike out later this month.

An umbrella spoke broke when a gust of wind went under the canopy and bent it backwards - electrical tape to the rescue back at home.

I don't know how long the tape will hold ... but it seems to be doing okay right now. It will do until I can buy a new umbrella.

minneapolis has done away with their police department - to be replaced with social services that advocates FOR THE CRIMINAL!

Nine minneapolis city council morons announced plans Sunday to disband the city's police department. They did not offer a timeline or propose specific actions but said they are “taking intermediate steps toward ending” the force, and replace it with a new “community-based system” of public safety. They are obviously delusional. There is NO “public safety” without a present and active police presence in neighborhoods and cities.

Defunding the police is shorthand for a divest and invest model: divesting money from local and state police budgets and reinvesting it into communities, mental health services, and social service programs – that mindset is dangerous – and it helps no one.

I can’t stay silent while America literally goes up in flames, and people are willingly retarding themselves with the obamanite demoncrat bullshit.

I will not remain silent when I see wrong happening.

This Nation IS STILL AMERICA: and as long as it IS, I will call out wrongs as they happen, and rely on ACTUAL AMERICANS THAT LOVE THIS NATION to WTFU and shake off their apathy and lethargy … and take our nation BACK; out of the hands of those intent on destroying America, and subjugating Americans.

I will NOT be silenced: I will NOT have my thoughts analyzed by couch potato – or political wannabe – psychoanalysts’ that have been brainwashed by their particular chosen brand of craziness. I will NOT have my actions monitored. I will NOT have my words – or how I speak them – censored.

I will NOT BE TOLD what to think, how to behave, or what to say “so people aren’t offended”: it is NOT my responsibility to make sure people feel comfortable.

I will NOT be told that I “need to join in solidarity” with delusional racists bent on insane behavior and racial madness.

FUCK THAT!

I have never given sway to herd mentality.

I do not believe that States should continue this ridiculous and politically played shutdown that has destroyed financial security, ruined livelihoods, escalated mental instabilities, and APPLAUDS domestic terrorism like blm … WHILE castigating law-abiding citizens from getting on with their lives, freely gathering to worship-attend funerals-take their children to playgrounds (playgrounds off limits for children … RIOTS OKAY to take children to: see what is WRONG with this picture???)

Crazy Nancy highlighted her delusional mindset this week when she actually kneeled and bowed to george floyd and behaved in an incendiary manner – elevating flyod to sainthood! george flyod was NOT an angel that died a martyr’s death! He was A CRIMINAL CAUGHT IN CRIMINAL ACTIVITY. The whole charade was ridiculous, and yet another one of her crazy pathetic “I’m going to teach Trump a lesson” moves.

Reverse racism IS STILL RACISM.

This crazy bullshit has been going on since the 1950’s … and barak hussain obama whipped racism into a firestorm during his 8 year reign of tyranny – he is STILL flapping his racist yap and fanning the racial flames every chance he gets.

Racism has NO place in America – it doesn’t matter WHAT SKIN COLOR IS INCITING RACISM: IT HAS NO PLACE IN AMERICA!

Animalistic behavior has no place in America.

Socialism has no place in America.

Communism has no place in America.

Islamic Rule has no place in America.

Anarchy has no place in America.

FOREIGN RULE HAS NO PLACE IN AMERICA.

3^rd World politics has NO PLACE in America!

AMERICA IN THE GRIP OF RACIAL ANARCHY

A Minneapolis city council member said, “we need to consider if policing is needed at all – and in what form if so” – VERY DANGEROUS MINDSET; but it falls in line with the obamanite mindset that has spread like wildfire throughout DC and across America over the past 11 years.

While the mayor has oversight over the police, the city council has control of the budget and policy - and could work to dismantle the department through cuts and ordinances.  

Tucker: Liberal activists now want to 'defund the police'

minneapolis and calimexarabia have voted to get rid of their police deaprtments to pander to racists of color – in short, they are placing 1 race above another … that is blatant racism. camden, new jersey has already gone this route; that state gave into obamanitus in 2012.

Those mayors who do not agree to abolish their police force, are bullied, mocked, and ridiculed.

Minneapolis Protesters Throw Democrat Mayor Out After He Refuses To Commit to "Defund the Police"

The pandemic hysteria was NOT ABOUT a virus.

The riotous {protests} are NOT ABOUT a death.

What I have seen over the past few days of black activists forcing light colored people, and police TO KNEEL TO THEM and to denounce their skin color and forcibly join in solidarity with the black sector of society, makes me sick. That type of behavior does not belong in America, where ALL LIVES MATTER; not just black and brown ones. That police would actually KNEEL TO BULLYING RACIST THUGS was a sad day for America, and for the rest of the world – that looks to America as the bastion of Freedom.

BLM YouTuber forced white girls on their knees to apologise for 'white privilege'

IT IS ALL ABOUT POLITICAL DOMINATION.

New! Ilhan Omar Wants to Abolish Police, See Tucker 

Churches are being used to further racism … and POLITICIZED {prayers} are being DEMANDED AND OFFERED TO black people instead of to GOD!

The Church is NO PLACE for politics!

Insanity has taken hold.

RACISM: WILLIAMSON ASKED WHITE PEOPLE TO APOLOGISE TO BLACK PEOPLE

White Pastor Washes Black Mans Feet To Apologize For White Privilege

The racist black lives matter organization was started during barak hussain obama’s reign of tyranny and has been running roughshod over America and Americans ever since. All his wicked life, barak hussain obama sided with the criminal sector of society and placed twisted tarnished halos on their unrepentant heads – criminals are now elevated to sainthood, and law-abiding citizens are denounced, ridiculed, humiliated, and beaten.

Tucker: Kneeling will never be enough for the mob

It’s about the privileged elite (obama, winfry, clinton, biden, pelosi, schumer, hollywood tools, ect.) USING an angry sector of society to do their dirty work … to DOMINATE the Country.

Domination was the thrust of the obama coup.

Domination is the thrust of his lapdogs in the congressional House.

Domination is the thrust of the obama-biden Presidential campaign.

Domination is the hallmark of anarchy.

Anarchy is mob rule.

Mob rule is a choke hold on society.

I don't want to be around anyone "on the highway to Hell, ridin' with biden".

I don’t want to be around any people right now … people generally annoy the hell out of me; now they upset my stomach because they are caught in the grip of covid-19 hysteria, and diseased with noxious obamanitus; which has caused them to sink into rampant chaotic insanity. THAT ALL appears to be infectious.

Left tactic against racism: Attack people on basis of race

I don't want that putrid infection anywhere near me.

Yesterday evening, I ended a cherished friendship because of that mindset: I don’t know what version of the riotous protests she THINKS “is peaceful” – or what she thinks her son is relaying to her about “peaceful protests in Seattle” … but every view I’ve seen of the protests have led to violent rioting and cruel bullying tactics.

And, of course, if I dare to disagree with her, I am “stressing her out”; she would never consider for a second that she is stressing herself out by staying glued to the TV and listening to race-baiter media hosts.

I don’t want – or need – that kind of mindset around me.

AT EASE

I started my day, this morning, with a series of body strengthening exercises – if I lose pounds in the process, I’ll be happy … but that is not the goal. The goal is to tone and strengthen my body for upcoming hikes.

Hikes I will be able to do with ease.

Thinking of the upcoming hikes got me to thinking of how my life has lately become a life of ease.

That hasn’t been the case for quite some time.

At first, I was startled by that revelation … then my mouth curved into a smile :-)

I can get used to a life of ease.

Most of my life has been a struggle to fit in and be accepted – the struggle first started in my mother’s house … I eventually gave up when it became blatantly obvious to me that I would never be accepted, thus would never fit in; I was a misfit in school - again, I just gave up and enjoyed being the school rebel; Bob’s mother made it very clear to me that I was unacceptable … for Bob’s sake, I did try to ‘fit’: but there was no place for me – there was no place made for me to fit into: ditto for our daughter.

With our immediate family, I tried super hard to be the parent I never had – and our children let me know I was a failure on every level: I was not a glamour puss like the other mother’s (I am more the tom-boy type); I didn’t go to – or plan gossip sessions to tear other mother’s down and pacify the mucky-mucks; I didn’t go to – or plan ‘girl’s night out’ at the local bars; I didn’t further my husband’s financial opportunities by sleeping with his bosses or town chamber members; I didn’t smoke weed with my children, or throw beer parties for their friends … I did not okay sleepovers with their girlfriends or boyfriends; I did not work a 9 to 5 job so they could compete with the Jones’s kids.

Instead, I was a mother who stayed home (Bob and I agreed this would be best for our family; we both had working mother’s growing up); I enjoyed making a home for my family – I liked cooking wholesome meals instead of feeding my children mcdonald’s fast food. I liked sewing (the little bit I did). I liked knitting and crocheting (and got good at it, selling patterns to magazines & making good money at Bazaars); I liked gardening (my harvest hauls, with Bob’s hunting hauls fed us very well and we were able to save $$$); I liked planning family vacations that were educational as well as great outdoor experiences (the kids wanted disneyland and resort vacas – like Bob’s mother was treating their cousins to … and our kids weren’t invited to); I wanted my children raised with Godly values and principles (they rebelled at every turn along this path Bob & I walked); I believe in Home Education over public school, and that was always my plan from the get-go for my children’s education … and Stacey fought me all the way, after I finally removed her from public school and insisted she get her GPA up (which she did).

In short – I was not beautiful or acceptable in their eyes (they could not see me the way Bob did), I was not wealthy (and I had no desire to be: we were financially secure – that was okay with Bob & me), I was not a swinger (I took my marriage vows seriously – I loved Bob, and shared my body only with him), I was not atheist (this drove the kids wild! They were ashamed I was a Christian): I was not the parent our children wanted. And they let me know that all their lives; and because Bob had died for 25 minutes in 1981 before literally resurrecting miraculously from the dead (he was tagged for the morgue), and his brain could not handle a lot of stress, I scaled stress inducing situations from our life and insisted the kids behave – they refused, and that created a lot of tension in our home and in our life.

I was constantly caught between keeping Bob’s stress level on an even keel and trying to keep the kids/grandkids in Bob’s life … I had pretty much given up on them ever being a real and present part of my life – they didn’t want to be: and when they were, their chaotic dramas left chaotic wakes when they flew back out the door, which left me crying and shaking; and sent Bob’s stress levels high.

I was still trying to keep things together while Bob was dying: making sure his siblings and our children were kept up to date on his situations. I was still trying to keep the immediate family nucleus together after Bob’s spirit left his body – that trying blew up spectacularly in my face with each kid throughout 2019 (Blog & FB posts the end of 2018 and thru 2019).

I quit trying after those incidents.

I faced 2020 as a solo lobo with a clean slate.

I miss my husband; but missing him won’t bring him back. Missing Bob won’t make everyone else behave. I will love Bob for the rest of my life, and I will miss his presence in my life … but missing him won’t magically make everything okay.

My life, going forward will gain momentum based solely on me, my dreams, my desires, my decisions, my choices – I no longer have to consider anyone else. I no longer have to answer to anyone else.

I want to build and enjoy an easy life after a lifetime of painful judgments and snobbish snubby shutouts.

I wrapped memories of Bob’s unconditional love around me like a cocoon. I isolated negativity, and pruned toxic people out of my life. Being a widow has changed my outlook on life – I no longer tolerate things I used to tolerate for Bob’s sake. I only have time now for love and peace. I only surround myself now with people who are beneficial to my inner serenity. I demand balance in my new life … there will no more bitter upheavals allowed.

I gained confidence and solid footing as I found there are people in my neighborhood and county who like me just as I am, and want to be part of my life as it is – I realize I am capable of attracting and keeping friends all by myself; without Bob’s magnetic personality: these people, in my life now, didn’t know Bob; they will never know Bob … and they like me. For who/what I am. It is a strange feeling. It is an exhilarating experience. I am blessed, and thankful :-D

Aside from needing Bob … I don’t need anything.

The house and car are paid for. I am financially stable – and so, I have decided to let the Hospital Beneficiary Financial Assistance lapse; the program has changed, and they want too much personal information: I’m not comfortable with the prying, and I resent being told how much I can have in savings. If they’re that strict, apparently they feel I am rich enough on my piddly Social Security income to ‘insure’ (through savings) myself in regard to medical emergencies (I do not receive Social Security medical benefits of any type) – I only see Dr. Landry once a year to keep my asthma prescriptions current; and I am working on even stopping the inhalers – I don’t like what steroids do to the body.

Even missing Bob, I am happy I do not (and did not) need alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs as a distraction to work through the grieve cycle.

And though there are times it would definitely be nice to have a man around – like when I need a light bulb replaced, or a toilet tank issue repaired – I don’t feel like I need a man.

In fact, I feel nothing. Not in a negative way though – I don’t feel dead inside, I’m just at a peaceful place in my life: I am content.

Maybe I feel nothing because my life is finally hitting the ‘normal’ phase: my emotions have plateaued.

Maybe feeling nothing is my new norm.

I am at ease.

And I’m taking life easy.

Before Bob’s illness and subsequent physical death, most of my time was spent scared, worried, and trying to prove myself. Now, having stared death in the face and not been destroyed; having fought financial battles that would have sunk weaker people; and having weathered the storms the kids threw my way as I staggered lost and lonely through a bleak and grief-colored wilderness landscape … I find my life suddenly calm.

The ease is unfamiliar.

It’s uncomfortable in its newness – like a sudden weight loss.

I am surprised and excited: surprised because I expect to recognize the old me, and excited because the old me is no longer me.

I am emerging from my cocoon and unfurling my wings.

There are days I am feverishly busy trying to distance myself from the acute missingness of my husband in my life – and the poignant missingness of Bob, the man separate from husband.

And there are days when I do nothing.

Nothing at all.

I get into the car and go for solo lobo long drives – because I want to, and I can; I spend all day crafting without interruption; I exercise whenever and wherever; I watch movies back to back – 24/7 if I choose to do so; I listen to the music I like all day long; I read without putting the book down until it’s finished; I go for long solo lobo walks whenever and wherever; I nap and think about … nothing.

100% impossibilities before Widowhood.

The complexities of nothing is refreshingly weird and wonderful.

I feel balanced.

My life feels settled.

Not complete – not whole – not ‘done’: just comfortably settled.

I am a Daughter of the Most High God. I am Bob’s Wife. I am a Widow. I am a Mom. I am a Grandmother. I am a Friend. I am a 63-year-old person who is dying … everyone is dying: we begin to die the moment we take our first breath.

That knowledge brings me peace.

And whatever I feel at any given moment doesn’t stress me out anymore, because I know that it will pass.

It will pass.

There is contentment in that knowledge that imparts easy balance in my life.

I would never have known this ease if Bob’s life had not been part of my life. Bob was an easy-going person with a calming personality: with his love, he infused that calmness into my life. But I was not aware that transference took place until his physical body was dying.

Even in death, Bob was loving me and teaching me important life lessons I would need to draw on when he was gone from me. As I am growing into myself in the autumn of my own life, I recognize the powerful gift he gave me – the ability to confidently discover with comfort who I am and who I am not: because of his physical death.

As I am typing this post, I can clearly hear my husband lovingly asking me, “Have you learned anything?”

Yes.

Yes, I have, Babe.

And I thank you for teaching me how to live at ease.

I love you.

Always ~ OX