The month
of April is mostly happy … sometimes
sad: and always a month of possibilities.
Happy,
because when Bob became part of my life in the April of 1974, I learned that I
am worthy of love.
Sometimes
sad, because December 14th, 2018 ended anymore April’s with Bob in
them.
A
month of possibilities, because that first April when we started steadily
dating – led to our getting married four months later … with an ongoing
honeymoon 😉;
for 44 years, I lived my happily ever after – and I won’t settle for
less, now; I’ll never be that lonely.
The
first April without Bob was a journey out of the dark, and lonely depths, of a grief
that had me shaking and quaking as my body literally felt torn asunder,
following Bob’s physical absence: and my heart and mind struggled to come to
grips with the reality that Bob would never again be an active part of my life
… he would never lie beside me again; and never again join his body with mine/speak
words of love and comfort to me/walk through the front door again/walk
down the hallway/reach his long arm out as I passed, and pull me down on
his lap to nuzzle my neck and squeeze my waist/sit in the driver’s seat,
or passenger seat/smile that sexy smile he had just for me … Bob would
never do anything with me again. All of me missed Bob.
That
first April of 2019, was also a journey of survival; before I could
adjust to the loss of Bob’s life in connection to mine … legalities of joint
accounts I had shared with Bob were suddenly in question; and one by one, all
of the CEO’s legally removed/completely erased the memory of Bob ever
having had holding with any of them – made me sole owner of the new account (which
was just a name-removing-revamp of our ‘old’ joint account). By the time
the legalities were complete, I felt as though Bob had been so
completely erased from my life, perhaps the life I shared with Bob had all been
a beautiful dream … that only I knew he had ever been a real
part of my life for 44 years.
The
second April without Bob, was a journey about living; when April 2020
rolled around, I had started forcing myself to actively start reshaping a New
Life for myself on the ruins of what was left of the life I’d shared with my
husband. There has been much to learn: several failures to weather, as my New
Life got off to a sputtering start; many reroutes along the journey
forward; and numerous victories to celebrate as the “firsts” unfolded: the first
a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g.’s. I ever did without Bob’s input, or physical
presence beside me. There was a lot of second-guessing that piggybacked on
every Solo Lobo venture: for so long my life had been joined with my husband’s,
that my New Life had a hard time learning to adjust to life without Bob.
But
through it all, here I am – surviving, thriving … living as
full a Life as I can, Solo Lobo; in fact, the only thing really
missing from my life at this point, in the third April of my New Life, is Bob’s
presence in it. I have a home. I have a vehicle. I have relatively good
health for a woman my age. I have friends (that I gained Solo Lobo – without
Bob’s social butterfly influences). I have a volunteer job that keeps me actively
engaged in the local region. I have a fairly good community nucleus that
encourages physical, mental, and spiritual growth. I have food. I have good
financial stability. And all of this is because Elohei loves me, cares for me,
and provides for me 😊
In
my ever-evolving widowhood; I realize that being alone, is not the same as
being lonely. I’ve always had a healthy sense of self (even before joining
my life with Bob’s) – but I admit my life was in a fierce tailspin as
soon as we morphed into a solitary me. It took some
time for all of me to get comfortable in a Solo Lobo skin. Whereas the seven
Aprils of my life before Bob, I was always aware that Bob was walking around
and breathing somewhere … and the 44 Aprils of my life with Bob, had Bob in it
every day and every night – not just a dream lover anymore, but an actual
in-the-flesh lover; the April’s of my New Life have been/will always be
acutely aware that Bob no longer walks this Earth as a man, and no longer
breathes the air that I breathe. Every single April of my New Life moving
forward, I am aware that Bob will never again, share the specialness of April,
we enjoyed together. That life is forever over – even in the afterlife, when I
join him beyond the clouds – what we had, here on Earth, is finished.
Defunct.
When
April 2021 arrived, I had learned to laugh instead of cry, when life
whisked me off into the dizzying, and unfamiliar cha-cha steps in this dance of
life …
Best
Ballroom Dancers on Got Talent: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMpgga7ve7Y)
I
have learned that life is short: too short to make space for aimless and
pointless loop arguments that never go anywhere beneficial, or mean anything to
anyone but the arguer; too short to say no to spontaneous adventures; and too
short for taking a back seat on Life’s scenic ride.
But
most importantly, I have found a peace within myself.
Moving
through this April of 2022, I’ve found my rhythm in the 1-step forward,
2-steps back evolution of this New Life I am moving forward in 😉
I’ve
arrived at this April, with the realization that I have 100% survive the
unimaginable in life – and am confidently building a previously unimaginable
Life.
My
New Life, this new April, is opening to fully embracing the possibilities April
can hold 😊
