Today is National Widow Wednesday-USA.
I make that distinction, because some people
confuse today with International Widow Day … which is in June.
I also make that distinction because I do not
want to be classified with widowhood that is a direct result of terrorist
activity: Bob was not a brainwashed religious nutcase, and I am not a widow
because of religious fervor gone seriously wrong. Our life together was not
altered by a religious call to arms. I do not want to be bundled together with craziness
brought about by crazies.
I admit that all widows have hard time of it;
but I will not be acknowledging International Widow observances.
I am, however, acknowledging America’s
National Widow Wednesday – this is something I can get behind, and support (and not
only because I happen to be a widow, myself) because I like the background of this observance: https://whatsyourgrief.com/national-widows-day/
My acknowledgment will not be in a depressed
mood – my husband, Bob, is in a permanent happy place now … and though I,
myself, am not in a permanently Happy Place: I am not crying 24/7 like I was in
the early days, months, and years of my widowhood. I still have moments where
memories are triggered and tears fill my eyes; but I chose joy. I chose to
honor Bob by doing what he told me to do … I chose to live fully in the joy
of the moment. When tears threaten to whisk me into a blue mood, I remember
Bob’s zest for life, and I chose joy over despair that the love of my life is
no longer available to me.
It is true that I am a Widow: 3¼ years a
widow. How is that possible – and how have I managed to manage every second of
those 1,218 days and nights that Bob was not physically part of?
By the faithfulness of Elohim, and His grace.
By the loving embrace of friendship.
By the outpouring of love that sheltered my
battered spirit and broken heart like a comforting cocoon; until my fledgling
wings sprouted and strengthened enough to help hope take flight.
By learning to live in the moment – yesterday
is gone … and tomorrow is not promised: only today, this moment in my life,
matters.
It took me roughly two years into widowhood to
function as an adult Solo Lobo instead of an angry brat. It took another twelve
months for my foggy brain to reconstitute. And three months into 2022, it is surprising
to me how widowhood does not overshadow my life in the moment.
I’ve come a long way from where I was in the
grieving process.
And I like that people who are in my life now
are not cautious about saying Bob’s Name, and/or talking about him 😊Those conversations with people who knew Bob, and share their
memories of him with me, bring more joy into my life. We do not sit around
talking constantly about Bob … but when we do bring him into the conversation,
it is a sweet time of remembrance. And it warms my heart to know that Bob was
loved by so many people, besides myself.
So, today; on this day of widowhood
observance, I chose to ride the waves and go with the flow 😉
I want to age like sea glass.
Widowhood is previously unknown frailty.
Widowhood is living in a constant state of
missingness – of being alone in a crowd of people. It’s looking back even while
looking/moving forward.
I want to welcome, and ride the crest of the person
widowhood is shaping: the person Bob, and Yeshua, always knew I was capable of
being. I was always compassionate and empathetic … but today, I listen to
people in ways I couldn’t before. When Bob was physically with me, I
never experienced loneliness; loneliness was always a foreign thing to
me – and I couldn’t relate to the depth’s others felt it. After Bob graduated
to a higher level of living beyond the clouds, that foreign thing became a very
real, very present experience: my listening ability has been altered by life’s
tempests.
Widowhood is becoming a New Person in an
unfamiliar New Life.
Widowhood is murky shadowiness – even when
the sun is at its brightest.
I want all the garbage life throws at me, to
become something beautiful in the staggering, heaving, relentlessly agitating
waves of life.
Widowhood is rebirth.
I want to age like sea glass.
Widowhood is life changing.
That is what I will be acknowledging of today’s National Widow
Wednesday.
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