A Period of Adjustment

It is going to be a looooong day.

It is 4:33 a.m., and I have been up since 1:30 a.m.

Thinking.

Missing Bob.

Talking with other widows & widowers on FB.

I packed & sorted our house stuff yesterday until the garbage can was filled. I’ll get back at it today. Everything in the house that is going with me needs to be packed up and tagged for the movers. Tagging is going to be tricky because I won’t really KNOW what I can take with me until I get down south, scope the new digs out, and assess square footage: THAT will be the deciding factor. Some things, like the bed, a few recliners, ect. CAN be tagged now though. I will be downsizing to a 1-bedroom home, so I won’t be taking much. And truthfully, there isn’t much here: we seriously downsized our belongings 28 months ago when we bought this place; and didn’t have time to add more before the morons here at Heron Pointe killed my husband with their craziness. The only thing that will be difficult and will take the most time, is the shed filled with Bob’s man stuff. My BIL Kerry, is coming by later today to help me sort through that, and thankfully will be hauling away what he wants and can use. It will be a big help to me, and we will both be comforted in knowing that what was important to Bob will go to someone who understands what is in all those crates, boxes, and coffee cans. I have no freaking idea – and even if I do, none of it will be relevant in where my new life is headed.

I hope I can stay awake to accomplish everything that needs accomplished today …

One person on FB said they worry about liking new places. They are anxious about moving on.

I can identify.

BUT

I refuse to let those concerns hamstring me.

Bob is no longer here.

Bob would not want me to shroud myself in the past and wither away pining for a life that is no more.

Bob wants me to live. Fully. In the moment.

I worry about liking new places too. But, moving involves a new location & new places – so, I adjust.

I am a country girl: I could spend all my time in the mountains, and never get itchy to get back into town. Bob … not so much. Though Bob was born & raised in the country until he was a teen, & he worked as a logger and truck driver all his adult life, he preferred bright lights and big city. We compromised – we settled in Longview. Bob was a good husband to me: he knew I couldn’t stand being cooped up behind 4 walls: I needed wide open spaces; the wilder and more primitive they were, the better I liked it. Bob gave me county fixes A LOT during our 44 year marriage. We were on the go at least once a month. More so when he retired.

We spent most of our time hiking the trails of Mount Rainier. We have been to all the mountains of WA, Mt. Hood & Saddleback Mountain of OR, over the Rockies to Vermont and back (Bob got to see the country I was born & raised in as we passed through Minnesota, Illinois where I was born at the Naval Hospital in 1956, and Pennsylvania). Vermont was a treat – I like the scents and color of Fall, and Vermont has plenty of that; we drove through the desert of Nevada on our roadtrip to Vegas when our grandson was born 5 years ago, and came home over the Sierras. And in between these lengthy roadtrips, we covered all the countryside backroads of our corner of the PNW. Bob gave me a good life. He loved me. He wanted always to please me. And I adored Bob – just because he was.

But, Bob is no longer here.

It is an adjustment.

Our grandkids live in Oregon. Oregon is their chosen State. Oregon is about to become my new home too – the grandkids have been trying to get me to move there ever since Bob’s spirit left. Bob wanted me to keep our house: I tried. Financially, I can afford to stay here. But mentally & spiritually, I have got to go. I am not happy here without Bob; Bob liked Longview. Bob like Heron Pointe. I tried - mightily, for Bob's sake. The kids recently moved to a rural area of Oregon with farm country all around and have been pestering me to sell and move south where they can more easily & readily check up on me, and we can enjoy closer/deeper family time.

It is time.

There is nothing to keep me here anymore. I do have friends – good friends; but friends are not family. And I can drive back up this way for periodic get togethers.

There is nothing to keep me in Longview; nothing. Bob was it: he liked it here, and I love Bob. But Bob is not here anymore. It is an adjustment.

I want to see my grandkids. I want to watch them grow, thrive, “become”. When great-grands start arriving, I want to be able to enjoy them in the moment.

I got a good estimation for what I can reasonably expect selling the house we bought here 28 months ago, so I “went for it”. Doing this alone is an adjustment. Bob always had faith in me and knew I could so what needed to be done: I rely a LOT on remembering Bob’s love & encouragement – his love and encouragement, coupled with Elohim’s love and faithfulness, is what gets me through each day so I can face tomorrow.

I will learn to be content in another State, in another locale. Solo. It will be an adjustment. My life – as I knew it, with my husband, the only man I ever said, “I love you” to, is over. I will never again have what we had together. It’s finished.

That is an adjustment.

BUT … I CAN take Bob’s love with me. I CAN always be encouraged and strengthened by his love. I CAN rise to the occasions and get through difficult times because Bob’s love supports my broken wing while Elohim’s love is the wind beneath my wings, gently carrying me out of my comfort zone and into a new reality. It is an adjustment.

I am currently experiencing A Period of Adjustment. And no matter where I live, or what new places I have to get used to … I KNOW Bob will be there with me. Because his spirit lives on, and I am taking his love with me.

I will never be alone.

I love you, Babe.

Always.

OX