Wedding Song - God Knew That I Needed You

Saturday, April 16, 2022

APRIL REFLECTIONS


The month of April is mostly happysometimes sad: and always a month of possibilities.


Happy, because when Bob became part of my life in the April of 1974, I learned that I am worthy of love.


Sometimes sad, because December 14th, 2018 ended anymore April’s with Bob in them.


A month of possibilities, because that first April when we started steadily dating – led to our getting married four months later … with an ongoing honeymoon 😉; for 44 years, I lived my happily ever after – and I won’t settle for less, now; I’ll never be that lonely.


Three Dog Night – ‘Pieces of April’ song:

The first April without Bob was a journey out of the dark, and lonely depths, of a grief that had me shaking and quaking as my body literally felt torn asunder, following Bob’s physical absence: and my heart and mind struggled to come to grips with the reality that Bob would never again be an active part of my life … he would never lie beside me again; and never again join his body with mine/speak words of love and comfort to me/walk through the front door again/walk down the hallway/reach his long arm out as I passed, and pull me down on his lap to nuzzle my neck and squeeze my waist/sit in the driver’s seat, or passenger seat/smile that sexy smile he had just for me … Bob would never do anything with me again. All of me missed Bob.



That first April of 2019, was also a journey of survival; before I could adjust to the loss of Bob’s life in connection to mine … legalities of joint accounts I had shared with Bob were suddenly in question; and one by one, all of the CEO’s legally removed/completely erased the memory of Bob ever having had holding with any of them – made me sole owner of the new account (which was just a name-removing-revamp of our ‘old’ joint account). By the time the legalities were complete, I felt as though Bob had been so completely erased from my life, perhaps the life I shared with Bob had all been a beautiful dreamthat only I knew he had ever been a real part of my life for 44 years.


The second April without Bob, was a journey about living; when April 2020 rolled around, I had started forcing myself to actively start reshaping a New Life for myself on the ruins of what was left of the life I’d shared with my husband. There has been much to learn: several failures to weather, as my New Life got off to a sputtering start; many reroutes along the journey forward; and numerous victories to celebrate as the “firsts” unfolded: the first a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g.’s. I ever did without Bob’s input, or physical presence beside me. There was a lot of second-guessing that piggybacked on every Solo Lobo venture: for so long my life had been joined with my husband’s, that my New Life had a hard time learning to adjust to life without Bob.


But through it all, here I am – surviving, thriving … living as full a Life as I can, Solo Lobo; in fact, the only thing really missing from my life at this point, in the third April of my New Life, is Bob’s presence in it. I have a home. I have a vehicle. I have relatively good health for a woman my age. I have friends (that I gained Solo Lobo – without Bob’s social butterfly influences). I have a volunteer job that keeps me actively engaged in the local region. I have a fairly good community nucleus that encourages physical, mental, and spiritual growth. I have food. I have good financial stability. And all of this is because Elohei loves me, cares for me, and provides for me 😊



In my ever-evolving widowhood; I realize that being alone, is not the same as being lonely. I’ve always had a healthy sense of self (even before joining my life with Bob’s)but I admit my life was in a fierce tailspin as soon as we morphed into a solitary me. It took some time for all of me to get comfortable in a Solo Lobo skin. Whereas the seven Aprils of my life before Bob, I was always aware that Bob was walking around and breathing somewhere … and the 44 Aprils of my life with Bob, had Bob in it every day and every night – not just a dream lover anymore, but an actual in-the-flesh lover; the April’s of my New Life have been/will always be acutely aware that Bob no longer walks this Earth as a man, and no longer breathes the air that I breathe. Every single April of my New Life moving forward, I am aware that Bob will never again, share the specialness of April, we enjoyed together. That life is forever over – even in the afterlife, when I join him beyond the clouds – what we had, here on Earth, is finished. Defunct.


When April 2021 arrived, I had learned to laugh instead of cry, when life whisked me off into the dizzying, and unfamiliar cha-cha steps in this dance of life …


Best Ballroom Dancers on Got Talent: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMpgga7ve7Y)


I have learned that life is short: too short to make space for aimless and pointless loop arguments that never go anywhere beneficial, or mean anything to anyone but the arguer; too short to say no to spontaneous adventures; and too short for taking a back seat on Life’s scenic ride.


But most importantly, I have found a peace within myself.


Moving through this April of 2022, I’ve found my rhythm in the 1-step forward, 2-steps back evolution of this New Life I am moving forward in 😉


I’ve arrived at this April, with the realization that I have 100% survive the unimaginable in life – and am confidently building a previously unimaginable Life.



My New Life, this new April, is opening to fully embracing the possibilities April can hold 😊

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