In keeping with the promise I made to myself with
the waning of 2019, to step the game up a notch and actively pursue
restructuring and rebuilding of my New Life in 2020 – plan at least 1
social event every week, and plan outings to look forward to – I jumped
out of bed this morning determined to get started down that path.
I didn’t go to bed with the thought on my mind. But, as I was slowly waking up this morning, the thought, “Go
to the Bingo game in Castle Rock today”, popped into my mind, and I rolled with
it. I had paid for my Castle Rock Senior Center Membership Card, December 7th,
2019, when I did a Bazaar there; but I hadn’t seriously made the time to visit
the facility: Bob and I had checked it out before he’d ended up in the hospital
… and I have been dragging my feet about going there as a solo lobo.
I like Bingo; always have. Bob did not enjoy the
game at all, but when we moved here to Heron Pointe, he did humor me by going
to a Bingo Night event at the Club House. That was it; he never went back
again. And, of course, since tensions at Heron Pointe is the reason I no longer
have a husband … I no longer go to Bingo Night events at the Club House here
anymore, either.
But, today, I ended my Shabbat Rest in Castle
Rock, singing out “Bingo!”
I learned some new Bingo patterns, and won 5 of 12
games – I won my “bank” back, with extra $ to spare :-D I didn’t know, until
I won the first game, that they played for cash: it’s not bookoo bucks; just a
chance to win your card money back. I paid $3/12 cards; and won my $ back PLUS:
Winning my bank back was fun …
I brought some paperback novels home too ;-)
But what I really enjoyed was the verbal byplay (enjoyable
conversation) and cozy companionship (easy smiles and laughter): I
miss that, now that Bob is no longer here. It was enjoyable to hold
conversations with people my age; and older, who speak my language: convo
was not a politically inclined sidestep shuffle around {offensives}.
I am so glad Bob instilled confidence in me – I could
never have comfortably mingled with strangers if Bob’s love had not birthed
confidence in me. And if he had not told me, at OHSU, “I have faith in you,
Honey: you can do anything you set your mind to doing; you and I both know,
once you’ve made up your mind, it’s as good as done.” Even when he was dying,
my husband was giving me strength to pull on later, after he was gone. He is still
giving me a sense of direction. My heart relies on the memories of Bob to
confidently move me forward – no matter where life leads me (north, south
east, or west), his love is still my North Star; and it guides me true.
I had so much fun playing the game, meeting new
people, and enjoying fun convo, that I think I will make Bingo in Castle rock a
“weekend thing.”
I don’t know what tomorrow (Day 385)
will birth in this self-discovery-rebuilding process of my widowhood journey of
“What Am I Supposed To Do With The Rest Of My Life?” To date, it reveals bits
and pieces of the bigger picture, kinda like the revealing jigsaw puzzles Bob
and I painstakingly put together every Fall and Winter for decades: we never
knew how the pieces would fall together … and, now, as my new life is being
pieced together, I don’t even have a rough idea of what the final picture will look
like: this puzzle I am currently focused on, didn’t come to me with a picture on
a box cover. I’m piecing it together blind. And I don’t really think too hard
on how to go about pulling it together; because I honestly believe the big
picture isn’t up to me anyway.
My shattered heart is healing; and I’m sorting through
the life that was given me, with determination, grit, and resolution to find
the pieces that will build the bigger picture.
Every perfect fit is another mode of making bank
;-) And I have used every anguish, every triumph; every disappointment, every
mistake; every doubt, and every ounce of Faith at my disposal to highlight what
my widowhood trip looks like. I refuse to hide behind Pollyanna platitudes. I
have been brutally honest, and vulnerable about my grieving – about my personal
struggles … about the passion my heart still holds for my husband: m.y.d.e.a.d.h.u.s.b.a.n.d.
It wasn’t easy to get to today’s successful outcome;
to feel so comfortable in a group. Admittedly, it was a small group (15
total), but staying the entire time was a success for me, personally.
It was a major hurdle in the socializing realm.
I am finally coming to peace with the fact that
this is it.
Here I am – solo lobo.
On my own.
And I am owning it … making bank in socializing
triumphs, and reaping dividends in collecting friends … thanks to my
husband’s input in my life.
I love you, Babe.
Always.
OX
