Wedding Song - God Knew That I Needed You

Tuesday, November 22, 2022

COMPLICATIONS

I got a phone call last night from my niece, and was informed during the course of the convo of my brother’s (2nd sibling from me – I am the oldest) recent surgery. That concerned me; so, when I woke this morning, I jetted a text off to my youngest sister (3rd sibling from me) asking her about it.

The returned text reply was complicated – cancer is a complicated thing. There is no cure for cancer … no matter what medical talking heads will tell you. If you had cancer, you have cancer; it’s just a matter of time before it strikes again. But, people do not want to hear that; so I didn’t try to explain that fact to my sister.

I just thought a while on that complication, and talked to Elohim about it, while drinking my morning coffee. I didn’t fall to pieces … I just mused on the ramifications of the prognosis.

The I got ready for my Tuesday morning Pep Talk on the hill. I would be ferrying two people to the meeting this morning – and it was raining heavily with all the gusto a PNW Fall brings with it, so I left earlier than usual.

Sparkly 'Pearl' for brow line, 'Plum' for eyelid color, & 'Purple' for 'liner'; tinted Lip Balm & 'Pink Quartz Lipgloss.
'Auburn' Eyebrow Gel, 'Burgundy' Mascara, & Rose-tinted Creme Blush.

I was driving up 38th, passing the school there, when a second complication appeared on the day’s docket. I shouldn’t have been surprised, because this fella’s been flirting for a solid year … but I was. I haven’t given him any encouragement along these lines.

I talk about Boband the love I had and still have for him all the time. I had to pull over to the side shoulder and stare at the message for a good long time before answering.

I don’t believe this person knows what he’s wanting to jump into. My life is very complicated. I am a Widow – that comes with too much baggage to label and try to explain … and though this man has heard me talk, I don’t believe he has actually heard me: it’s not that I “used to love” my husband – I still love Bob! I will always love Bob.

If this man truly wants to date ME, and not just what he thinks {me} is, then he needs to understand that there will be three of us involved in this developing relationship: I won’t be dragging Bob into every situation on every occasion, but Bob will at some point, be very present in a moment, which will make life difficult for this man when that moment surfaces. An anniversary date of some sort (our March meeting, our April First Date, our August Wedding date, our daughter Stacey’s birth date, grandchildren moments, LIFE moments, Bob’s Eternal Life date, ect.): these dates will come up – and so will all the complex feelings those dates bring with them.

This man is divorced. Divorce is not death related. Bob and I did not want to end our life together. I am still coming to terms with that ending.

Admittedly, I am in a much better place today than I have been in the past 4 years; but the missingness is still there. While it’s true that grief does not stab my heart so sharply – or quickly – when a memory crops up … it does still cripple me emotionally, for a bit. My heart doesn’t know how to compartmentalize the loss it still feels, into a neat little Grief File, that will magically blur the lines between {then} and {now}; to make life easier for a new complication.

My heart actually hurt while I stared at that text message before answering it. I glanced at the dash clock and saw that I needed to make some sort of response, and get back on the road in order to make my morning appointment. My emotions were caught between holding on and letting go – and then, it was like I mentally heard Bob’s voice speaking to me again, like I had heard him speaking that Thanksgiving week in 2018, when he was trying to get me to go to Thanksgiving Supper at Merry’s house: he was trying to make me understand that I needed to get on with my life while his was ending. He wanted me to go to that Supper: I refused; I didn’t want to leave his side. Then, or ever. Those last three weeks of his life, he told me again, and again, “I want you to live, Val. Get on with your life after I’m gone.”

My heart was physically hurting with that leap forward that I took today as I replied to the risky text. I haven’t solicited the feelings being texted to me. I wasn’t sure I wanted to entertain them. All I knew for certain was that Bob wanted me to consider the possibility – and he had given me his approval of this possibility four years ago. So, I conceded.

I decided to {wing it}.

I have been asking Elohim for a companion; someone to spend time with, on a friendly basis. This man and I are friends. This man has seen all sides of my character; the good, the bad, and the ugly moments – he sees, and accepts me, as I am. He treats me with gentleness, care, and respect: even when I am being difficult, or emotional talking about my life with my husband, children and grandchildren before the Winter of 2018 severally altered all of our lives. He has listened, and never made me feel l am a burden to be tolerated. He has good-naturedly flirted off and on, but this morning he flat out stated his intentions.

His text message read similar to what I said to Bob 48 years ago (I have always said Bob was meant specifically for me, even though he jumped the gun with a premature marriage 😉). I always loved Bob from the moment my eyes first saw him in the Fall of 1967; he was trying to heal from a failed marriage when we got together in the Spring 1974. The {then} and {now} situations of my life are sounding eerily similar – the wording is different, but the emotion staring me in the face is kinda freaky! Does this man feel for me the way I felt towards Bob? Should I give him a chance … like Bob gave to me? Bob and I had a wonderful relationship for 44 years. Can this current budding {thing} become something just as deep and satisfying?

This man has told me many times, “I knew who you were the minute you walked into the room; I saw you in my mind’s eye 30 years ago, just like you are now. You may not know it – but I know it.” Should I take the risk? I have a lot of life to live, yet. I have a lot of love to give, still. Can I give this man all of that? Do I really want to go down this trail?

I did ask for a Christian companion, to pal around with; and to have deep discussions with: and here he is … making himself known.

So, these thoughts were what was on my mind when I picked Chrystal up with tears in my eyes. She asked me what was wrong, and I just handed her the phone. She read the message, and looked at me again, and said, “I’ll pray for you both.” She understands. I am rich in true friends; and yet, she is more than a friend. She is a sister of the heart.

She understands.

Then we picked up Pam – and she was clued in, too. She was clued in because she has been praying for two years that I would open my heart to the possibility of another occupancy. She said, “Val, this is great! Bob would not want you to go through the rest of your life alone. You’re still young. You have a lot of love to give yet.” I replied wryly, “I knew you’d be pleased.” And we laughed: me with wet eyes.

I kinda felt like Elohim was ganging up on me, three to one (four to one, if you count Bob’s encouragement, around this time, four years ago). This is a major step forward, for me.

The Tuesday Meeting today, went very well: I have no problem compartmenting in this area 😉

Later, on the way home from dropping Chrystal back at her house, I was brought up short by pretty tail feathers 😊

This is new: a peacock in the middle of the road; Old Pacific Highway. And ... another complication ... they were strutting back and forth, and effectively stopping traffic going both directions.
Ike & Tina Turner – ‘Shake A Tail Feather’ song:
Finally, they are both on the same side of the road! And traffic is moving again. LOL

At home, I got started thawing my Thanksgiving Supper stuff: nothing fancy, but it will “do” just fine.

Thawing my Solo Lobo Thanksgiving 'eats' ... this will be rounded out by mashed spuds, an ear of corn, and a supper roll: not as spartan as it appears.
Mr. Complication changed my solo-planned Thanksgiving Supper Plans; and he is hijacking Sunday afternoon, too ðŸ˜‰

Today was a big day, in so many ways. I need to work some complications out … exercising, like hiking, has always had a calming effect on me 😊

I may be chubby; but, I'm not a flabby chub ;-)