Wedding Song - God Knew That I Needed You

Sunday, December 27, 2020

MEMORIES AND REAL TIME LIFE

The FB “Memories” pop-ups can still catch me off-guard, but they don’t make me cry anymore.

I am healing.

And it is good to know that I am healing and growing instead of stagnating, or becoming emotionally crippled by grief.

The FB Memory today had been shared so much these past 24 months, that I didn’t share it again, today.

But, I did indulge in a bit of dreaming before I got on with the living of today – in the moment, as I promised Bob I would do.

My dreaming always takes me back to the first time I fell in love: and stayed in love.

I am still in love: even 2 years, 13 days, 12 hours and 3 minutes of knowing that love will never be returned.

I can’t help it.

I love my husband, Bob.

I have always loved Bob.

I will always love Bob.

I saw his face, and knew he was ‘The ONE’ for me: I waited with baited breath for him to walk past me, every school day; for a whole school year in 1967.

1967 – Bob; Naselle, WA & Bob in the house he lived in as a teen … the house I came to as a new bride. We lived there for 18 years before selling and moving.

1967 – Bob’s Yearbook picture.

I never knew his Name.

He never even knew I was alive.

He got married in 1968.

I never saw him in the flesh again.

But, I never forgot “The Face”.


For 7 years I dreamed of that face.

I did date; and I had a few steady fella’s … but I never said ‘I love you’ to anyone: I couldn’t. The Face had captured my heart, and it was not free to give anyone else.



I dreamed and played this record until the vinyl was worn and scratchy.

Everly Brothers-All I Have To Do Is Dream (Live) HQ

I knew Bob was off-limits … and that was easy to maintain because I hadn’t seen his face since 1967: and I didn’t know his Name. I knew absolutely nothing about his life.

All I knew was that he was tall and handsome – and he stole my heart without even being aware he had it.

It really was pathetic to be so helplessly and hopelessly in love with someone who didn’t even know I existed – let alone was pining for him!

Then, suddenly, one unexpected Spring night in 1974 … HE appeared; he was standing right in front of me, and we were talking.

He was 24.

I was 17.


“The Face” had a Name.

And he was a free man!

You Thrill Me (Through and Through) (Remastered Version)

My dream became a reality; we started dating exclusively and his Name also became my Name in the late Summer of 1974 ๐Ÿ˜Š.

Bob’s 1967 Senior Yearbook picture: “The Face”; & our 1974 Wedding Night picture.


A reality that lasted 44 years: I always teased him that if he had just waited for me to grow up, he’d never had been a divorced man ๐Ÿ˜‰


Thank YOU, Lord, for answering my prayers.


Bob was a good man.

Bob gave me love.


For 44 years, Bob gave me a good life.

And when he graduated to Heaven the Winter of 2018, it didn’t kill me; it disoriented me for sure, but Bob had died twice previously (1978 & 1981); so, for 38 years we both always knew the Grim Reaper may come to collect for good. From September 1981 to December 14th, 2018, we lived each day as if it were our last day together.

From December 2018 forward, I have learned to live without the love of my life actively IN my life.

The past 24 months have been challenging – but I made it through the fog. Bob loved me good; his love was a beacon that led me through the foggy days, towards the brighter days that are unfurling in my new life.

A new life I don’t want.

A new life that Bob encouraged me to live fully.


I am learning as I move forward: 1 day at a time; 1 step at time.

I slowly started re-engaging in life in 2019; more actively and purposefully, in 2020.

I intend to engage more fully in 2021.

I know I will be honoring my husband’s last request of me.

But memories of Bob will always be part of my new life – the past and the present dovetail: both represent who I am.

I cannot be ME without both lives.

2015 – On our Castle Rock River Hike, Bob was teasing me because I refused to cross that board. Bob had broken his thigh bone and shattered his knee in 1978; it never healed straight, but Bob never let it handicap him in life. I will learn the life lessons Bob exampled.

But I am wise enough to understand that Bob is a memory now; I’ve had 24 months to come to terms with that hard reality. Memories have a place in our lives: but memories are not the sole substance of our lives.

I had a life before Bob – I have a life after Bob.


I have to live my unfurling life, now, in the moment. Bob doesn’t exist on earth anymore: he won’t suddenly appear again – that time in our life is finished.

And now, like before our lives were forged together in 1974: whenever I want him, all I have to do is dream ... and remember the wonderful life I shared with him, when he was a flesh and blood man.

But live in the present, with my eyes wide open; and ready to SEE what Elohim has for me in the present life, in this present time.



Bob is no longer available to me.

T
hough my dreams are based on real events, that happened in my real life … that life is no more.

And those dreams are no longer a real reality in my real time as my new life unfurls, and waits for me to start living it.


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