It’s been a good day.
The pain I am currently dealing with, and … the recurring pain from those heart-breaking 106 days, the tail end of 2018.
This morning, I woke up thinking of everything that needs to get done this week: garbage out, and back in again; pick the mail up/pay bills; Thanksgiving – either at home; or at my SIL’s (still undecided – my leg will be the deciding factor, come Thursday).
While I was mentally running through the week’s itinerary, I slowly shuffled down the hallway to the kitchen to make a cup of tea …
Back in the bedroom, and sipping the fragrant tea, my mind went back to today – 2 years ago.
I had been at the hospital with Bob.
He had arranged for me to have Thanksgiving with Merry’s family … but I begged off because I did not want to leave him. He had been so violently nauseous, and was having his stomach drained. I didn’t feel like eating; nor was I in a celebratory mood. I didn’t want my mood to hang over his sister’s family gathering, so I stayed at the hospital with Bob.
The day before, I had just left the hospital, and shut the car off; when my cell rang.
I was relieved when I heard Bob’s voice,
instead of the doctor.
Bob said "You left too
soon; Dr. Chen just called and said I am going to OHSU Sunday to have a stint
put in my pancreas."
So I called the hospital back and talked to Dr.
Chen. OHSU has indeed accepted Bob and have reserved a bed for him Sunday with
a scheduled surgical procedure Monday.
The hitch was that Bob may decide not to
go.
We really didn't know how to feel.
On one hand, Bob had waited
months to get the 'GO!' to OHSU; on the other hand ... he was not a well man – seriously
not well. So much so that Dr. Chen was pushing him for a blood transfusion at 6
a.m. that morning; which he refused: to which she replied, "Then you will
go into heart failure". And if he agreed to go to OHSU, he would get the
transfusion in the operating room while undergoing surgery because it would be
a necessity given his current condition. He was not happy about that. Blood
transfusions carry serious risks of Hepatitis, AIDS, Syphilis, Shock,
Hypertension, and Heart Attacks. Bob felt (and I agreed) that getting
the transfusion could’ve been more harmful than what he is already going
through. So, everything at that moment rode on what Bob decided.
The kids felt he should go.
His mother and siblings felt he should go.
Bob was not so sure anymore.
He had been having mini heart attacks all week and administered metoprolol to
bring his heart back to a normal rate: going under anesthesia could’ve killed
him during surgery. It happens. And like I said, Bob was extremely fragile health-wise.
He was also tired of {medicinal help} that was doing more damage to his body
than good. And he was worried about how we are going to pay for all of that: the
ambulance ride from the hospital here to OHSU in Oregon ... AND BACK AGAIN, the
procedure itself will be done by top notch surgeons – that will pack a top
notch fee, and add to that the cost of a room at OSHU for at least 3 days or
more following the procedure.
After talking with Dr, Chen …
and with Bob, again; I shut the phone off.
And spoke with Yeshua.
During that horrible time of
suffering, anger at a frustrating situation, confusion due to conflicting
diagnosis’, unending questions, loneliness, and well-meaning, but always
misleading pep talks that always ended up failing us … Yeshua never let us
down.
Never.
Yeshua never failed us; not
once – though it may have seemed that way to anyone watching us go through that
horrible time.
But …
Yeshua is on call 24/7/365.
He listens without comment.
He comforts without unrelated comparisons.
He doesn’t interject the struggles he went
through.
When Yeshua says,
‘I am with you in this, you are not alone”, He means it.
He doesn’t just say that as
a social courtesy: though He may say that to a million people all at the same
time, on any given day, I can rest assured, knowing that Bob and I were/are His
primary concern all day long, for as long as necessary: He doesn’t have to
punch a time clock, He doesn’t have to run home to a spouse or a family, and He
doesn’t need sleep.
Yeshua is there … whenever,
wherever, for however long it takes.
Yeshua, though He took on a
human form 2053 years ago, for a limited amount of time … He is not human:
Yeshua is infinite, and He can be all things to everyone at the same
time.
So, I knew that when I
called out to Him during my darkest hours in 2018, He was immediately at my
side.
And when I asked “What do we
do, now?”, He calmly embraced me, and whispered: “It’s okay – I have it all
under control; just relax, and let Me handle things. All you have to do is
trust Me.”
WOW
For someone like me; who
finds it very hard to trust anyone, about anything, His comfort and His comforting
words meant a lot! It is comforting for me to know that when I have reached the
end of my rope, and the knot I sit on is slipping … He never lets me fall,
because He never fails me.
When my world tilts, and I
find myself in a whirling freefall, He is ‘on the job’ – and always sends my
guardian angel to catch me before I hit the ground. Then He whispers, “It’s
okay; I have it all under control. Just relax, and let Me handle things. All you
have to do, is trust Me.”
And I do.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iukRJ9Wnr6A)
I have trusted Elohei since
entrusting my life to Him in 1965.
And I can truthfully say
that even though the fall and Winter months of 2018 were the darkest days of my
life, heavy with gloom and deep sorrow; I could confidently trust Yeshua with every
nano-second of every day.
And Bob trusted Yeshua with his life, too.
So.
I did what Bob told me to do
before I went back to the hospital: I paid off the car … and the Visa balance (then,
I handed the card back to the Bank). Bob wanted those things out of the way
before his transport to OHSU over the weekend.
Plans were made with Bob’s
son, and his sister Merry, to take turns driving me to and from OHSU/home
because I wasn’t in any frame of mind to jet back and forth between the two
states; and I loathe city driving, in general.
We were not clear then, if
Bob would actually be coming back home as an out-patient, or back to a medical
facility for follow-up care, or (I could barely wrap my thoughts around the
possibility of the next thought!) … to Eden Valley, where his remains would
rest with his grandparents, and father: we always knew that was a real
possibility.
These are the
songs I played for Bob throughout
the night, while we waited for the transport:
Selah - "Wonderful Merciful Savior"
(Official Video)
The Lord is My
Shepherd - Keith Green
Keith Green -
Oh, Lord You're Beautiful (Live)
Vince Gill,
Alison Krauss, Ricky Skaggs – Go Rest High On That Mountain (Live)
The Isaacs. He Never Failed Me . 1994 ( Our Style
Live )
When God Has Another Plan by the Greenes.wmv
God Still Answers Prayer by Karen Peck & New
River
It is Well With
My Soul, Jars of Clay
The Valley Song
- Jars of Clay
Jason Crabb -
He Won't Leave You There
Jason Crabb -
He Knows What He's Doing
He Knows My
Name-McRaes LYRICS
This morning, I decided to have another cup of tea before tackling the day’s tasks.
Today is Garbage Day.
Normally, it’s not a big deal.
But ‘normally’ does not normally include a sore hip and a bum leg.
Gimping down the porch steps and eyeballing the distance from their place under the carport, to roadside placement for pickup – I wasn’t sure I could do the distance twice … one back and forth trip for the recycle bin, and one back and forth trip for the garbage bin: 4 trips.
Normally that would not be a big deal.
Today, I wasn’t sure I could do it; once … maybe. Which bin would be the one to be shifted?
Then, I mentally slapped myself up alongside the head, with a chastisement: “Snap out of it, Val! Bob went to work every day, fighting pain (all his life he battled back/leg pain) … you only have to walk a few feet, for Pete’s sake!”
Walking back to the carport, I noticed the
driveway was getting littered with falling leaves; they will just have to stay
there a while longer.
And closing the distance between street and
porch, I stepped on a large screw next to a tire.
I was thankful then, that I had
carried through with the day’s task!
I ate a quick lunch, made another hot tea … and went to lay down, and watch a movie.
I wasn’t in a lot of pain, but I do want to keep inflammation backed down, so I am taking periodic breaks – so not ‘normal’ for me.
But if I want to enjoy life, I have got to slow down.
Slowing down is good body stuff 😊
While watching the movie, I decided to make a cover for a worn cushion I use in the car (I’m a shortie – gotta have ‘a lift’ 😉):
Around Suppertime, it was raining so hard I thought hail might be falling: there was no hail, just heavy raindrops.
And the pain (due to the periodic rests, and teas) had backed down so significantly that I missed my 10 PM prescription – and glanced at the clock to see 10:40!
PRAISE GOD!
Oh, I pray that when the prescriptions run out, so does the pain: please, God.
That would be good body stuff 😉
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