Wedding Song - God Knew That I Needed You

Monday, September 14, 2020

STAYING AFLOAT


I can’t stand being cooped up – never could.


Overthinking is not a good thing.


Today, of all days, it is not a good thing.


Sitting here in Bob’s recliner, looking out the livingroom window.

Edgy with emotions memories are pricking.


21 months/1 hour & 15 minutes; in a year of covid-19 and wildfire madness.

No way to escape the missingness.


Normally, I would be outside dinking around in my garden area; gleaning what needs to be harvested, or tearing down structures that need to be stored overwinter. Maybe I’d even throw a short Daytrip adventure into the day’s unfolding … but, I can’t get outside. {Tolerant} anarchist stupids, insanely goaded with political fevered hatred towards 1 man and a lifestyle of freedom they have systematically been programed to destroy, have set the entire PNW on fire. The crazy amount of suffocating smoke that hangs in a sickening pall over 3 states keeps me trapped inside my home: something covid restrictions never could.

Just can't catch a break: 9:30 AM - 1:58 PM - 4:52 PM & 7:12 PM
September 14th, 2020

And being inside is wearing on the nerves.


My home is a cozy little trap … but it IS a trap, nonetheless. Through no fault of my own, I am confined to an indoor environment – and my movements are limited. I am not limited by the size of my home; by scale, my home is actually too large for one person. Neither am I limited by handicap restrictions. What makes my cozy trap limiting, is the fact that oxygen is very precious right now, during these days of in-house-confinement: there is no way to refresh the inside air as it recycles. Recycling stale air simply moves stale air around – it does not freshen it with healthy fresh air. I’ve been in-house since last Tuesday: fresh air is quickly being soured and becoming toxic.

Outside fresh air is a luxury that won’t be available for months.


And, of course, ALL the demonrat governors are reviving the need to “get serious about climate control!” They should be focusing on getting control of the blm rioting and firebug activity connected with the rioting. THAT IS THE PROBLEM with what is happening here in the PNW; climate control can best be “controlled” by controlling the useful political tools creating the chaos resulting in the toxic air quality DIRECTLY LINKED TO the blm craziness SUPPORTED BY the crazy demonrat governors in every PNW state.


It’s political madness run amok.


It’s an unnecessary complication.


When I considered the end days of my life … I never thought of dreading my favorite time of the year – I used to anticipate Fall and Winter months with joyous anticipation: now they just hold painful sadness that is very hard to push past. I want to rush past the painful memories and skip forward to Spring, and the busyness Spring brings with it, that keeps my mind too occupied to entertain sadness.



Bob had this picture on his cell phone screen (10 years); ‘til the day he replaced that phone 2-½ years ago, with the smart phone I now use.
Precious & Me, 2007. I was 51 yo; Precious was 2 yo.

Bob knew if I was crying, I was feeling frustratingly trapped. If I was feeling trapped, I was mentally pacing like my wolf – looking for an {open} so I could spring free. The first time Bob brought company home and saw Precious pacing back and forth because she did not know them, and she felt trapped; he laughed, and said, “Val … she looks like you do when you need to break loose.”

Right now, these stinking wildfires are giving me no escape route from memories I do not want to relive: memories of Bob’s life starting to slip away 2 years ago.

Mentally pushing against the overwhelming missingness.

Feeling the essence of Bob everywhere – and nowhere.

Alternately crying and laughing; mood depending on whatever memory pops into my thoughts, and plays itself out in living color.


Doing my level best not to whine too much on facebook – on my personal Page, or in the widow’s groups I am part of. People in the path of wildfires are posting their experiences on facebook too, and people do not want to hear about my 2-year struggle concerning a dead man when there is current real-time life and death happening in the moment/every moment. People in the present have lost their towns, their homes, their material possessions … some lost lives.


I am better off than some.

I KNOW THAT.

But my inner balance is being tipped – I know that too.



Overthinking … trying to stay afloat.

Refusing to feel helpless and hopeless.


Praying fervently to Almighty God that these shut-ins are not going to morph into ‘the new norm’.


**NOTE: I heard rainfall right after this post was posted – what a blessing! We’ve only had 2 brief rainfalls all year long … this rain is VERY WELCOME. Especially now :-D


2 comments:

  1. I just found you! All your feels! I feel them. Trapped but not by smoke. Trapped and scratching the door to get out! I feel it! Hugs and thanking God for the rain. Praying it’s long, steady and just heavy enough to put the fires out! Hugs

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